


Sunshine State

by strawberrycupcake_huckleberrypie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boy Scout with a filthy mouth, Childhood Sweethearts, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Happily Ever After, Heartbreak, High School, Kilig, Meant To Be, Modern AU, OTP Feels, Opposites Attract, POV Rey (Star Wars), School, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, True Love, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey, angst and so much fluff you'll die, you’re gonna suffer but you’re gonna be happy about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16400924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrycupcake_huckleberrypie/pseuds/strawberrycupcake_huckleberrypie
Summary: The first cut is the deepest.A love story about first times and last chances.*****From the moment Rey Sunshine sat behind Ben Solo in freshman English, she just knew his rich boy, smart mouth would be trouble...and now she will never be over him.COMPLETE





	1. Freshman Year

**Author's Note:**

> chapters update every Wednesday at 7pm EST  
> art by the incomparable [@rileybabe](https://rileybabe.tumblr.com/)  
> xox  
> Berry  
> find me on [tumblr](https://strawberrycupcakehuckleberrypie.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/berrywrites)

  


  
**Chapter 1**  
**Freshman Year**

 

 

  
*********

This was not going to go well if she couldn’t even see the board.

 

“Gwendolyn Phasma?”

 “Here.”

 “Benjamin Solo?”

 “Here.”

“Reyanna Sunshine?”

“Here.”

 

A snort, and then the boy whose head she couldn’t see over propped an elbow on her desk and swung around.

 

“Reyanna Sunshine _?_ ”

“That’s me.”

“That’s your actual name?”

“My actual name.”

“What are you, some kind of cartoon character?”

 

His eyebrows arched and he smirked at the redhead beside him before meeting Rey’s eyes again. She cocked her head at him.

“What are you, some kind of plastic drinkware?”

He rolled his eyes and turned around, shoulders crooked as he slumped nonchalantly in the desk.

 

Hopefully, every class wouldn’t be alphabetically assigned seating, or Rey would be stuck behind the blonde girl and the giant boy all year.

 

*******

 

“Seventy-five cents,” Ms. Holdo said, holding out a hand. “It all goes to pay for school dances and the sports program, people,” she said, raising her voice.

 Rey dropped three quarters into her palm and chose a red Blow-Pop, dropping the wrapper into the trash on her way. Morning sunlight streamed through the windows, catching the dust particles as they danced through the classroom.

 Dropping into her seat, she slurped the lollipop as the cherry flavor exploded on her tongue and opened her English Honors notebook.

 As usual, Ben turned and hitched an arm on her smooth desktop, watching as Rey wrote her name at the top of the clean page.

 

“What’s new, Sunshine?”

 

“Not much, Solo,” she said, concentrating on copying notes from the blackboard beyond his head.

 

“You got something against the uniforms?”

 

Rey pulled the lollipop free of her mouth and glanced down at her navy collared shirt and khaki, pleated skirt.

“I’m in uniform.”

 

“You’re wearing rainbow knee socks.”

 

She tucked the lollipop back inside her cheek and shrugged, returning to her copywork.

 

“Student handbook says we can accessorize uniforms at our discretion.”  

 

_Prepositional phrases always start with a preposition, and end with the next noun._

_The noun that ends a prepositional phrase is called the object of the preposition._

 

“And you think rainbow knee socks fall into the category of ‘discretionary accessorizing.’”

 

She sighed and popped the Blow-Pop out again, as Hux slid into the seat beside him and the Tico twins sat to her right, dropping backpacks on the floor loudly.

 

“You clearly don’t.”

 

He shrugged and Rey felt his eyes on her while she sucked on the red lollipop before holding it above her paper to copy another sentence.

 

_An appositive phrase is a noun or noun phrase that identifies or renames a previous noun._

_An appositive phrase includes the appositive and any modifiers._

 

“You’re distracting,” he said.

 

“Well, good thing you don’t make the rules here, Solo.”

 

“Ben,” Hux interrupted, tugging him into a conversation.

 

Relieved, Rey went back to note-taking as his body angled away from her desk and she swallowed.

 

She leaned over to Rose’s desk as soon as she was finished to carefully hand back the charcoals with a silent _thank you_ before Ms. Holdo began lecturing.

His dark hair was long enough to curl around his neck, but Rey saw the tips of his ears poke through the waves sometimes. Every time she drew them, they ended up too elvish.

She sketched broad shoulders, graphite waves resting on a blue collar, and outlined the edge of an ear in the corner of her notes.

 

“Reyanna?”

 

_Shit._

 

“Uh. Yes?”

She slammed a hand over the doodles as all eyes landed on her, and Ben twisted to plant an elbow on her desk.

“Can you name a few prepositions for us?” Ms. Holdo said, seated on the edge of her desk, leaning forward.

 

“Uh. About, above, across, after, against, along, among, around…”

 

“Great. Thank you. Okay, who wants to take the next few?”

 

Blushing fiercely, she met Ben’s eyes as he lingered, watching her fiddle with the lollipop, pushing it back into her mouth as she kept her paper covered.

 “What?” she whispered as he watched her.

 

“Nothing,” he muttered, turning to face the front.

 

*******

 

“You almost went down in flames in English,” Finn said around a mouthful of pizza.

 

“I know. That was a close one.”

 

“Holdo’s scary,” Paige nodded, shoving a bagel into her mouth. “The way she smiles when she’s angry? Yeesh _,_ ” she shivered.

 

“She’s harmless. They all are,” Poe said, propping an arm on his hitched knee. “They can’t really do anything.” He tossed a Coke can into the trash on the far side of the breezeway where they all sat lazily.

Rose shaded her eyes and lifted her head, peeking at Poe where she lay under the relentless noon sun on the grass.

 

“They can suspend you. Or kick you out.”

 

“Nah,” Poe shrugged, hands laced under his head as he laid back on the grass beside Rose. “Who’d pay their paychecks if our parents withdrew us?”

 

Rey’s cheeks heated as shame bloomed in her belly, and she cleared her throat.

“Ro, can I borrow your watercolors in art again?”

 

“Sure, babe,” Rose said, laying down again, just as the bell rang.

 

*******

 

“Are you cutting your hair right now?”

 

Rey’s eyes remained on her task, trimming the split ends of her locks in the flooding daylight. Fine hazelnut strands fell one at a time as she snipped carefully, one long Dutch braid pulled over her shoulder as she studied the end.

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

“So weird,” Ben muttered.

 

“You don’t have to watch, you know. No one’s forcing you.”

 

Her eyes flew to his before landing on his parted lips as he studied her actions.

 

“Who _does_ this?” he said under his breath. “You’re crazy.”

 

“Why? What are you, some sort of long-haired Nazarene?”

 

“A what?”

 

“Nevermind.”

Tossing the braid over her shoulder and collecting the other, she traded the scissors to her other hand. Glancing up, she watched as he strode to the front of the room and made an exchange with Holdo, hurrying to look down before he could catch her staring.

The lollipop landed on her desk with a soft clack, a smug grin on his face when she looked up.

 

“For me?”

 

“For you, sweetness.”

 

Instead of speaking, she unwrapped the candy and popped it into her mouth quickly, willing herself not to blush as she reached under her seat to the silver shelf. She dragged up a textbook and opened it carefully, pulling out a familiar sheet of sketchbook paper.

 

“Thank you,” she said, handing it to Ben.

 

She twisted the lollipop in her mouth as he opened and studied the drawing. It was one of her latest, and the best so far.

A flash of recognition crossed his face and Rey released the breath she’d been holding.  

She pushed her glasses up higher onto the bridge of her nose and smiled.

 

“This is...me?” he said, meeting her eyes.

 

She nodded and pointed to his ears on the paper, careful not to smudge the gray color.

“Look familiar?” she grinned mischievously, her smile widening when he broke into a grin.

 

“You’re really good, Rey. Wow. This is...wow. Who knew? A real artist.”

 

“An artist with a cartoon character name maybe, but an artist. Yep,” she shook the red lollipop at him.

 

He smirked and looked back at the page before folding and handing it back to her.

 

“You can have it,” she nodded to the drawing.

 

“I already know what I look like. Is that what you’re gonna be someday? An artist?”

 

“Not gonna be. I already am,” she said, tucking the paper inside her history book.

 

“Yeah, you are.”

 

“Solo, we on for Friday?” Hux said, getting Ben’s attention.

 

Rey went back to trimming and tried not to listen.

 

“Yeah, Friday. Hey,” Ben turned to her. “Party Friday night. You in?”

 

It was bad enough she could hear party plans being made, she didn’t want a pity invite.

 

“Her?” Hux scoffed, batting Ben’s arm.

 Ben shrugged his hand away without turning.

 

“You in?” he repeated.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

She considered her braid thoughtfully, as if it were the most interesting thing on earth, carefully avoiding his eyes as Hux watched them.

 

“I might have plans.”

 

“Cancel them. Come on. It’s gonna be wild.”

 

She rolled her eyes and met his direct stare. “I don’t...I don’t want wild.”

 

“Well, it’ll be good then. Not wild. Definitely won’t be wild. So calm you could bring your grandma.”

 

“I don’t have a grandma,” she smiled down at the desk and crunched the cherry candy.

 

“You can bring mine. Come on.”

 

“I don’t know. My dad…”

 

“Come _on_. It’ll be fun. Promise.”

 His eyes were dark brown, not washed out or toned down. They were russet in the sunlight, and onyx in a shadow, and she wondered what they’d look like in the dark. Whether she could capture it with pencil.

  
“I don’t know,” she repeated cautiously, pulling the Blow-Pop from her mouth.

 

“Solo,” Hux said, annoyed.

 

“What?!”

 

“Ready to join us, Mr. Solo?” Holdo said as he turned.

 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

 

“Just think about it,” he said quietly over his shoulder to Rey a moment later. “K, Sunshine?”

 

“K,” she whispered.

 

*******

 

“I dunno. It might be fun.”

 

“Ugh,” Paige said, popping glossy lips against each other as she puckered into the paint-spackled mirror in the first floor girls’ room. “A lot of snooty islanders and jocks at a kegger? Sounds awful. Count me out.”

 

“Yeah for real, Rey. I’m sorry, but it does sorta sound lame,” Rose said, pulling her thick, black hair into a ponytail. “Maybe next time?”

 

Rey stood behind and threaded Rose’s silken hair between her fingers, braiding a headband around her crown while Rose watched in the mirror.

 

“It could be fun,” Rey suggested. “Why not? What else is going on Friday night?”

 

“Ohh! I heard the new K-pop documentary is opening at the indie theater in Bartow!”

 

“My dad’ll never let me go all the way to Bartow,” Rey sighed. “And besides, how would we even get there?”

 

“I can get Snap to take us,” Paige said confidently, meeting their eyes in the reflection as she zipped her purse closed.

 

“Yeah, my dad is definitely not letting me go to Bartow with your boyfriend driving.”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

“Whatever,” Rose said, shoving her slightly. “He wants to be.”

 

“Yeah well, that’s why he’d drive us to Bartow.”

 

*******

 

“That’s a far piece, kiddo. I don’t know that I want you going that far with some kid I don’t know.”

 

Rey grabbed a kitchen towel and tossed it to her father as he settled into a coughing fit. She filled the sink with soapy water and started washing while she waited for it to subside.

 

“You think it’s a good idea?” he said from his recliner once he’d recovered.

 

“I dunno,” she shrugged.

 

Coming to stand beside her as she rinsed and stacked their plates, he leaned a hip against the counter.

 

“It’s fine if you want to go. Just make good decisions and come back in one piece. Deal?”

 

She nodded, and leaned into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of pipe tobacco and Old Spice.

 

Leaning back, she looked up at him and smiled, wet hands diving for another dish.

“How about we go night fishing instead? We haven’t taken the boat out since school started.”

 

“Yeah?” her father said, eyes sparking. “Ya wanna?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Old girl needs to get the lead out every once in a while,” Rey said, lifting a soapy hand to pat the round window above the sink. The dock bobbed lazily as a wave rocked beneath them, and her father reached for the clean towel over her shoulder to dry dishes.

 

“Sounds good to me. I’ve been hoping to snag a marlin for weeks. I’m game.”

 

“Good.”

 

“But, don’t you wanna go see the movie? With your friends?”

 

“Nah. I’d rather do this with you.”

Her father planted a kiss atop her head, warming Rey head to toe as she drained the dirty water from the sink.

 

*******

 

“Where were you Friday night?”

 

“Out on the boat with my dad.”

 

“A likely story,” he said, twisting to face the board.

 

“We’ve got a huge test coming up next week to wrap up first quarter, people. Get out your notebooks, we have a lot of ground to cover,” Holdo said, rising to erase the board.

 

“I thought you’d be there,” Ben said as Rey tugged her notebook open and found a clean page.

 

“We’re discussing the _Odyssey_ this semester, and I know by now you’ve all had time to annotate it completely, so let’s get started.”

 

“I just couldn’t,” Rey whispered back, copying Holdo’s outline onto her lined paper.

 

She watched Ben’s head slowly shake, and she wilted.  

 

“Maybe next time.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He peeked back at her, a brown eye peering over his blue shoulder.

 

 _“_ Maybe.”

 

“Maybe,” he repeated under his breath, shaking his head again.

 

“What’s wrong with maybe?”

 

“What’s wrong with ‘yeah?’”

 

“Nothing,” she squirmed. “I just don’t really know your friends, okay? Or like, where you live. Or, really, you _._ ”

 

“Is that not why you go to a party? To make friends?”

She gulped as he met her eyes over his shoulder.

 

“What are you so afraid of, huh, Sunshine?”

 

“Who says I’m afraid, Solo?”

 

He lifted an eyebrow, head snapping forward as Holdo cleared her throat to continue.

 

“Alright, maybe I’m a little afraid of her,” Rey whispered, heartened when he snickered into his notebook.

 

********

 

“Finn!”

 

“Live a little!” he said, arms wide as he spun in the downpour.

 

He tugged her out from under the breezeway, rain drenching her in under a minute as she pocketed her cat eye glasses and faced the wet sky. Hair plastered to her head, joy bubbled up into a giggle as she ignored her streaming mascara.

Laughing, she stomped a puddle as Finn raced her to grab Paige.

 

“Come on in, the water’s fine!” Rey said.

 

Gray clouds billowed as thunder cracked loudly overhead. Her navy shirt clung closely as her saddle shoes filled with water, squelching as she kicked through a river.

 

Finn turned circles with Paige as the few students still on campus hurried beneath canopies, dodging raindrops.

 

“I’m soaked!” Paige said, pulling her shirt from her stomach, grinning.

 

“Me too!”

 

“Me three!”

 

Splashing along the flooded blacktop, they laughed and sang noisily, mostly oblivious to anything but their own glee as they headed for the bike rack. 

She was thinking about how to draw the downpour when a tall boy with long, dark hair, dry under the portico caught her eye. Hands deep in his pockets, brown eyes bottomless as they watched her, she grinned and waved until a smile cracked his mouth, and he shook his head at her.

 

*******

 

“I mean, I love the trumpet, don’t get me wrong. But music theory? A whole other thing.” Finn said, exhaling hard.

 

“But, you’re so good at it,” Rey said. “I’ve heard you. You’re a regular Dizzy Gillespie.”

 

She spun the lock left and right, working the dial till the locker swung open, and her Earth science book tumbled into her hands.

 

“Yeah well, jazz trumpet and marching band are two different things. It’s like your drawing. You gotta know all that shit about Matisse and Picasso and...and...fucking Monet, right? I gotta know music theory.”

 

“Well, I think you’re an amazing musician,” she said, slamming her locker closed as she stuffed books into her messenger bag.

 

“Hey.”

Her heart lurched as Ben fell against the locker beside hers, thumbs tucked into the backpack straps against his chest.

 

“Hi,” she said.

 

“What’s up, Freeman?” he said to Finn with a lifted chin.

 

“Uh, hey...Solo,” Finn said hesitantly before nodding at Rey. “See you later.”

 

“Yeah, bye.”

 

“What’s new, Sunshine?”

 

“Social studies. What’s new with you?” she said, wrapping her arms tightly around a book.

 

“Not much. What’s this?” he said, taking the book from her hands where she’d held it protectively against her chest. “ _The Complete Works of Lucy Maud Montgomery_ ,” he read.

 

“Mmhmm. For our English research paper.”

 

“This is what you’re doing it on?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Bad news, Sunshine,” he said, ticking his cheek. “That’s the book I picked.”

 

“You picked the author of _Anne of Green Gables_.”

 

“Near and dear to my heart,” he said, eyelashes fluttering emphatically. “One of my favorites.”

 

She smiled and rolled her eyes dramatically, grabbing the book away before turning to walk down the tiled hallway. Voices echoed and people hurried as they snaked their way up the wide, curving staircase, the smooth bannister warm under Rey’s hand as they climbed.

 

“That so?”

 

“Maybe,” he said, earning an erupted laugh from Rey who looked at him over her shoulder through crinkled eyes. His lips quirked with pride as he snapped gum, following on her heels as she climbed the stairs.

 

“I would’ve thought you’d be more into superheroes or space battles.”

 

“Way to stereotype with traditional gender roles, Reyanna,” he said, a hand over his heart.

 

“Well, I apologize,” she said, turning at the top of the stairs to look down at him a step below her, eyes meeting on level ground for once. “I won’t bore you with my vast knowledge of the MCU and Wookieepedia trivia, in that case.”

 

“Hey now,” he said as she turned to head for her classroom.

 

Waiting under the deafening bell while it rang, he looked down at her. He looked ready to speak again when a blonde girl in a cheerleading skirt bounced up to his elbow. A hand-painted, yellow paw adorned her right cheek, blue war paint streaking her cheekbones.

 

“Hey, Ben!” she said, curls bouncing. “Ready for tonight’s game?”

 

“Uh. Hey, Jess,” he said with a glance. “Yeah.”

 

“See ya later,” Rey said, heading into art class with a smile.

 

She pulled her sketchbook free of her bag, tucking the novel inside to take its place.

 

*********

 

_Loverboy buy you another lollipop?_

 

Rose grinned knowingly as Rey read her note, crushing it into her backpack as she bent over her paper. She pulled out the red lollipop, sucking hard before placing it in her opposite cheek.

 

A hand caught her eye as Hux smacked Ben’s arm, and he punched him firmly in retaliation. Hux whined and chuckled, clutching his arm.

Without turning, Ben held an open palm behind his head and Rey placed her candy wrapper inside. Rising, he walked their garbage to the can, trashing them together.

Sucking a purple Blow-Pop, their eyes locked as he walked, sliding into his seat smoothly.

Gripping the edge of her desk, one hand sliding between his warm back and the chair, she curved around his shoulder and tugged the lollipop free.

“Thanks,” she said quietly, watching from behind as a smirk emerged, a thick shoulder bouncing once.

 

“It was nothing.”

She watched the purple candy roll inside his mouth, plump lips smiling around the white stick.

 

“Not to me,” she whispered, heart hammering as she sat back.

 

********

 

“Hey. New girl.”

 

“Don’t just call her ‘new girl,’ Jyn, that’s fucking rude,” Q’ira said, tossing curled, brown hair over her slim shoulder. She crossed her arms and smiled at Rey.

 

“Reyanna. Is that right?”

 

Rey gulped and looked at Jyn’s reflection in the mirror before flicking back to Q’ira.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m Q’ira. This is Jyn. She has no manners, don’t pay attention to her.”

 

“Oh. Um, okay. Hi.”

 

Jyn spun around and stood touching shoulders with Q’ira.

 

“So, you’re new here, right? Like, you just moved here this summer?”

 

“That’s right,” Rey smiled brightly.

She hitched her messenger back onto her shoulder and glanced at the bathroom stall door.

 

“So, where’d you move from?”

 

“Uh...a lot of places, actually.”

 

“What does that mean?” Jyn asked, eyeing Rey’s clothes openly.

 

“I lived all over. I was homeschooled.”

 

Both jaws dropped as the girls stared at Rey.

“You’re kidding,” Q’ira said. “Oh my God, you’re not kidding.”

 

Q’ira turned to her friend.  “I would literally die. Seriously.”

 

“That sucks so bad,” she said sympathetically, looking back to Rey. “I feel so sorry for you.”

 

“Yeah, you poor thing,” Jyn said.

 

“I liked it. I learned a lot.”

 

“I would, like kill my mother if I had to be cooped up all day with her, wouldn’t I, Jyn? She’s the actual worst.”

 

“Oh my God, the worst ever.”

 

“My mom is totally chill to you,” Q’ira said, narrowing her eyes at Jyn.

 

“Well, my dad taught me, and he’s a good teacher,” Rey said.

 

“Your dad taught you? Like, to read and add and shit? That’s wild.”

 

“It’s really not. Lots of people are homeschooled. Actors and athletes, even royalty. We had fun. Really.”

 

“Royalty?” Q’ira said as Jyn snorted.

 

Rey watched as Jyn turned back to the mirror, touching her lip gloss again.

 

“I gotta go.”

 

“Wait! I’m totally just kidding,” Q’ira said, rolling her eyes. “Hey, listen. There’s a party at Phasma’s Friday. You should come. We’ll be there. You’re new here. We’ll introduce you to the girls.”

 

Rey looked between them as Jyn continued surveying her outfit through the mirror.

“I have to work on Friday.”

 

“Come on,” Q’ira said. “Everyone will be there.”

 

She took a step closer and grinned, scrunching her shoulders, freckled nose wrinkling.

“You have to,” she said when Rey hesitated, one more glance at Jyn who lined her eyes with kohl pencil. “Trust me.”

 

“Okay. I’ll try,” she said, letting the door fall behind her. “Thanks.”

 

*******

 

The spectacle of the sunset over the bay wasn’t easy to capture. There wasn’t any way Rey had learned to depict the sparkling waves under the anchored boats as they rocked, water shimmering like sprinkled diamonds. She erased again, before closing her sketchbook, frustrated.

 

Clambering up the rocks, her cheap, black flats slipping on moss as the waves lapped, Rey brushed the sugar sand from her tan, pleated skirt and gathered her pencils.

She’d straddled one leg over the chain barrier when she heard a rhythmic knocking, _thunk thunk thunk_ and her breath caught.

 

“Hey! Sunshine,” Ben grinned, sweat dripping off his thick, black waves as he captured the basketball at his hip. “Whatcha doin’?”

 

Rey gulped as her cheeks burned, suddenly aware whose property she’d trespassed.

 

“Oh! I - uh...I was just taking a walk.”

 

“You live around here?” he said, mopping his face with the hem of his t-shirt, firm abdomen flashing her.

 

“Yeah. Not far.”

She scanned the huge, white house beyond the hoop, grand and fashionable. The shiny cars in the circular driveway led to three red, brick stairs, seasonal blooms peppered cheerfully from tasteful window boxes.

 

“What were you doing down by the water?”

 

He motioned to the sketchbook under her arm with his chin.

 

“Artist,” she said, pointing to her chest. “Remember?”

 

“Yeah. I know,” he smirked. “Can I see?”

 

He came a step closer and she backed up.

 

“No. It’s not done, yet.”

 

“Is this like ‘a magician never reveals his secrets,’ or something?”

 

“More like, it’s not done and I can’t look at it one more time tonight or I’ll scream.”

 

“Alright, alright.”

 

He turned and shot a basket, jogging to retrieve the ball when it bounced under the hoop.

 

“How ‘bout when it’s done?”

 

“Maybe,” she offered, holding the book behind her back.

 

“Always with the _maybe,_ ” he said, shooting again.

 

She watched his leg muscles and as he jumped, dark hair against firm, diamond calves blinking as they contracted.

 

“Shoot a few rounds with me?” he said as he approached again, a hand running through his drenched hair.

 

“I’m not...I don’t play,” she said, motioning to her school uniform.

 

“Come on. We won’t keep score. Play with me.”

 

He tugged the sketchbook from her hands, tossing it into the thick grass of his manicured yard as Rey dropped her pencils with a groan.

 

“I don’t know how,” she apologized.

 

“I’ll show you,” he said, crouching. “Get low. And put your hands out like this to stop me.”

 

Concentrating, Rey stared at his thick thighs as he faced her, and followed suit. Her braids swung wildly as she leapt at him, reaching for the ball while he dodged her.

 

“Yeah! Good! Keep it up! Come get me,” he grinned, darting around her as she spun to keep up.

 

Shots whooshed through the basket as Rey panted, hands flying to snag the ball. He laughed and sidestepped, teasing her. She’d only landed one solid smack when he tugged her braid, before she breathlessly planted hands on her knees.

 

“You’re too good. No fair.”

 

“I never have anyone to shoot with. Only child. Have to wait for my dad to come home from a trip, and even then the old man sucks.”

 

She huffed and stood upright, walking to the grass.

 

“You okay?” he said, flipping her braid behind her shoulder as he fell into step beside her.

 

“Yeah. I’m made of tough stuff, Solo.”

 

“Don’t have to tell me,” he said, turning to shoot again. “I’ve seen your English grades.”

 

Biting a lip, she bent to retrieve her notebook while Ben scooped up her pencils.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“So, uh, you got plans this weekend?” he said, walking the sidewalk beside her.

 

“Got invited to a party,” she said, glancing at his face sideways to see his reaction. “By Q’ira and Jyn.”

 

“Oh yeah? To what, Phasma’s?”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

“You gonna go?”

 

He dribbled as they walked, matching shadows lengthening on the concrete in front of them.

 

She shrugged. “Maybe,” she said, checking to see his grin.

 

“Maybe,” he muttered as he shook his head, smiling.

 

“Well, I have to work after school Friday and I just got this job at Consignment Castle.”

 

“Ah. The Castle. But, still. Doesn’t that place close at a decent time?”

 

“Yeah. Will you...will you be there, do you think?” she ventured.

 

“Yeah. Will you?”

 

“Maybe,” she grinned widely as he laughed out loud, tossing the orange ball into the dark sky before catching it.

 

“I’m good from here,” she said, speeding off towards the harbor alone, anxious for her route to be obscured.

 

“See you tomorrow, Sunshine,” his voice called in the humid night.

 

*******

 

“Ignore him,” Rose murmured as Hux left the front door open, turning on his heel after slowly eyeing Rey, head to toe at the threshold.

 

They stepped cautiously into the two-story entryway, blaring music and screaming teens packed wall-to-wall around them as they shimmied through the tight space.

 

“Let’s find the guys!”

 

“Okay!”

 

Squeezing through the hallways, dodging couples plastered to one another, they meandered towards the rear of the sprawling house. People spilled onto the pool deck, splashing and squeals piercing the noise. Familiar faces loomed and several people nodded at Rey as they walked until finally Finn and Poe emerged from the crowd.

 

“Hey!” Poe said above the din, leaning in to hug them.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Want a drink?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Handing them each a plastic cup with neon liquid, Rey turned to hear a voice calling her name.

 

“Reyanna!” Q’ira said, around a mouthful of her own beverage. “You made it!”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And your friends all came too. Cool!” she screamed, leaning close to Rey’s ear.

 

Rey winced but nodded enthusiastically.

 

“Jyn, there you are!” Q’ira said as Jyn and the blonde cheerleader from school appeared.

 

“You came,” Jyn said, seeing Rey.

 

“Yeah, I did.”

 

“Hey, Rey! This is Jess!” Q’ira said over the music as she shoved the blonde forward. “She wanted to meet you!”

 

“Oh. Hi!” Rey said to Jess who raised a single eyebrow.

 

“Hey.”

 

Rey sipped her drink nervously and looked towards Finn who was deep in conversation with Poe.

 

“This is my friend, Rose,” Rey said.

 

“Yeah, we know. I remember you from middle school. The Tico twins. Where’s your sister?” Jyn said.

 

“We’re not conjoined!”

 

“What?”

 

“I said we’re not conjoined!”

 

“You’re not annoyed?”

 

“Nevermind,” she shook her head. “She’s not here!” she said, leaning in to whisper to Rey. “I gotta pee. Will you be okay? I’ll be right back.”

 

Rey nodded and sipped her Mountain Dew, watching until her black ponytail disappeared into the throng.

 

“So, what’s up with you and Ben?” Jyn said, a lazy arm around Jess’s waist.

 

“Ben Solo? N-nothing,” Rey said, head snapping to the girl. “He sits in front of me in English.”

 

“Jess went out with him in elementary,” Jyn said.

 

Rey pushed her glasses higher and nodded a tight smile, taking another sip and looking over their heads on tiptoes.

 

“Hux says you’re a regular chatterbox,” Q’ira said with a head tilt. “Nothing much to say now though, huh?”

 

“Is that…is that your school uniform?” Jess said.

 

All eyes landed on Rey as her cheeks flushed.  The Army surplus jacket she’d bought from Maz earlier adorned with rainbow and peace sign patches apparently failed to conceal the outfit beneath.

 

“I...I worked…” Rey began.

 

Jyn threw a hand over her mouth, stifling a snort as Q’ira’s eyebrows raised.

 

“I just...I didn’t go home, I worked all afternoon.”

 

“Shut up, you guys,” Q’ira said. “She has a job, you lazy bitches. Where do you work?”

 

“The Castle.”

 

Her mouth was sticky and her palms sweaty around the perspiring plastic cup.

 

“With that short, freaky lady? Maz?” Jyn asked. “She’s so fuckin weird.”

 

“Oh my God, so weird,” Jess said.

 

“She’s cool. She’s been great to me. And I like it there.”

 

Jyn snorted again, turning her face from the circle to sip her drink.

 

“I get it,” Q’ira said, shoving Jyn who was giggling at Jess beside her. “Hand-me-downs are really cost effective.”

 

Jyn snorted louder and Rey’s gaze darted frantically, breathing faster as she looked for Rose.

 

“Shut up you guys,” Q’ira said to Jess and Jyn. “Maybe that’s what homeschooled kids wear. No one ever showed her how to dress for the outside world before. It’s not her fault.”

 

Hot tears welled as she stumbled away quickly, bodies striking hers as she fumbled towards the front door.

 

“Sunshine!”

 

Wiping furiously, she hurried forward as Ben caught her wrist.

 

“Hey! You made it! Even though...Rey, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

The forest green sleeve stained darker with tears hung limp in her hands as she avoided his gaze.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Nothing! Alright? Nothing happened!”

 

“But you’re...Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine! Just don’t...don’t…”

 

Frantically, she ripped free of his direct stare, escaping to the vacant bathroom. Slowly, she recovered, staring at her swollen, pink nose and crystalline irises in the vanity mirror before composing herself and opening the door to the noise.

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Q’ira?”

 

Even over the racket, Ben’s furious voice boomed from the kitchen and Rey crept closer to hear.

 

“She’s a stuck up bitch, Solo. Thinks she’s some sort of royalty. She said so herself,” Jyn said.

 

“She grew up in a cult!” Jess said as Rey listened.

 

“Yeah, and she’s always coloring on her paper in class like she’s a toddler! Like what the fuck, I’ll bet it’s some kind of voodoo art!” Jyn added, a hand on her hip as Rey peered around the corner.

 

“You’re such a liar,” Ben said.

 

“Told you, man!” Hux said above the ruckus, a hand on Ben’s shoulder as he stepped into view.

 

Rose jogged up to Rey, giggling before her face fell instantly when they made eye contact.

 

“Hey,” she said, reaching for Rey’s shoulder. “What’s wrong? Rey, what happened, babe? ”

 

“Nothing, I...I’m ready. Let’s just go. Please.”

 

“Come on,” Rose said as she grabbed Rey’s hand, heading for the front door again. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

*******

 

Rey liked the quiet of the public library downtown. It gave her time to think and draw, and it was close to work, which was important.

Her dad needed her, and she wouldn’t let him down.

They’d make out fine, just like they always had since Mom died.

 

“Hey,” Ben whispered.

 

Rey gripped the armrests and stifled a gasp. Thick, dark lashes fringing semisweet chocolate eyes looked up at her where he knelt beside her chair.

 

Resting an elbow on his knee, he leaned against her seat.

 

“What’re you doing here?” she said, looking around.

 

“Studying. Rudyard Kipling,” he said. Holding the spine aloft, he raised his eyebrows at her. “ _The Jungle Book_. See?”

 

The weekend safety of the public library ruined with his proximity, she flinched and peeked around nervously.

 

“Can I sit here?” he asked, creeping slowly into the chair beside her.

 

“Umm, no. Scoot down one.”

 

She lugged her messenger bag up and dropped it into the seat between them, making him scramble into a seat opposite her.

 

“I’m not gonna bite you. Jesus,” he said, dropping his pile onto the table and cracking books open.

 

Rey stole a glance at him and willed her heart to calm. She only had an hour left to finish the assignment and she’d meant to squeeze in some time to draw before she had to show up for work.

 

_Sorry, I just have to concentrate_

 

She tossed the triangular note onto his open book where it landed under his nose. Without meeting her eyes he pulled it open and read before leaning over and scrawling an answer, sending it sailing back to her end of the table.

 

_So concentrate._

 

Fifteen minutes later, she sent it back with a cartoon drawn above a self-portrait of herself falling asleep over her books followed by two words in fancy script.

 

_I’m bored_

 

He sent it back in under a minute.

 

_Stop distracting me. I am a serious high school student._

 

She huffed at his response and he smirked at his paper. She was used to seeing the back of his head in English class, but not the front. Rarely was she granted an opportunity to study his face, and she made quick work of it, cataloguing the dips and planes of his cheeks, the slope of his nose, the philtrum at his plump upper lip.

 

With slightly better lighting, she could probably have begun sketching right then.

 

Two stick figures eating sandwiches were drawn sloppily under a shared thought bubble that said _food_ on the next note he skimmed across the table at her.

 

She struck through the cartoon and flipped it over, redrawing the two people in a pool filled with French fries and he grinned when he saw it.

 

Gathering his things, he slammed her book closed and nodded at the door.

 

“Now I’m starving. C’mon.”

 

********

 

“These are the best fries,” she said as she shoved two more into her mouth. “Crinkle cut is my favorite.”

 

“Shoestring. Shoestring all the way,” he said, shaking his head.

 

“Ugh, how can you eat that? There’s like fluid or something leaking.”

 

“It’s juice. Meat juice.”

 

“Gross. It’s dripping onto your plate.”

 

“Mmmmmm,” he said around a mouthtful of rare cheeseburger. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

 

“I know exactly what I’m missing. Hormones, animal fat, stored toxins, antibiotics, a few insect parts.”

 

“Jealous.”

 

“Stop taking my fries,” she said, pulling the platter closer.

 

“I’m not. Hey, what’s what?” he said, pointing behind her head.

 

“Very funny. Not falling for it. Stop stealing the ketchup!”

 

“Just take one bite.”

 

“No.”  
  
“Come on, Sunshine. Just one teeny, tiny bit of meat,” he said, burger dancing in front of her eyes as he edged closer.

 

“No,” she laughed. “Quit it, Solo, I’m not eating your E coli on a bun.”

 

She shoved his hand away while he took a huge bite.

 

“More for me.”

 

“I’ll put that on your tombstone.”

 

“Yeah, do that for me please, would you? Make sure it has a photo of me with a double cheeseburger and large vanilla shake, too. And shoestring fries.”

 

“Crinkle cut holds all the salt in the grooves. Like precious, little, buried salt treasures in every bite.”

 

“It’s like you’re making love to it,” he said as she moaned around a bite.

 

Rey flushed bright red and dropped the rest of the French fry, wiping her greasy fingers on the thin paper napkin before sipping her water.

 

“I gotta get going,” she said, glancing at the clock above The Buttery’s register behind the counter.

 

Grabbing her bag and the bill for her water and fries off the table, she slid out of the plastic booth quickly.

 

“Hey, I’ll get that,” he said, rising to reach for the wallet in his back pocket.

 

“No, I got it. That’s okay.”

 

“Rey, come on. I got it.”

 

He reached for the bill and opened a leather wallet, digging inside as Rey held the check in both hands.

 

“No, I got it, Solo. Thanks anyhow. I gotta go.”

 

“Wait,” he hurried behind her, slipping out of the booth and meeting her as she walked to the register. “I wanted to ask you about something anyhow. And I thought maybe you might wanna make fun of my lunch again tomorrow so we can talk about it.”

 

“Uh,” she said, “no, I…”

 

Handing five dollars to the cashier, she glanced up at Ben beside her and shoved her embroidered change purse back into her bag. Late morning light slanted through the blinds beside the register, and an amber ripple in his dark eyes caught her.

 

She shoved the glass door wide and pushed her glasses further up her nose, reaching to tighten the sloppy bun on her head.

 

“So, that’s a no you don’t wanna have lunch with me again? Or no you don’t want me to ask you anything?”

 

Ben caught up to her as she headed for the consignment shop as panic bubbled.

 

“Yeah. I mean,” she sighed and paused, blinking at the bleached concrete sidewalk as cars whizzed by on their way to the beach. “I don’t have lunch with people. Boys.”

 

“We just did.”

 

“I just had fries.”

 

“Well, I had lunch and you were with me.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t lunch for me. It was just food. And I wasn’t with you-with you. I was just with you.”

 

“Well, now I’m completely fucking confused.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry.”  

 

“So, wait,” he said as he quickened his pace to catch up with her. “You don’t eat lunch with any guys at school?”

 

“That’s different.”

 

“How is that different?”

 

“It just is,” she huffed, glancing around again.

 

“What are you looking at? Why do you keep looking around?”

 

“I’m not, I just have to get to work. I don’t want to be late.”

 

“Okay, so what’s stopping you? Let’s go.”

 

“No. I don’t want to walk with you.”

 

“You...Christ, Rey. What the hell? You don’t want to be seen in public with me or something? What did I do?”

 

“I just…” she said, frustrated. “I just can’t. I’m not allowed to be out alone with boys. I’m not old enough. So, no I can’t have lunch with you and no, that wasn’t lunch that just happened.”

 

She stomped in the direction of the Castle as Ben caught up with long strides.

 

“Fine,” he said, elbows locked as his hands dug inside his pockets. “So when can you date? Just out of curiosity?” he asked as they hurried through a crosswalk.

 

“You don’t want to date me.”

 

“Oh my God,” he said, “just tell me. Sunshine, for fuck’s sake.”

 

“Look, Ben,” Rey said as she came to a stop on the Castle’s sidewalk. She squinted as she met his eyes with a deep breath. “Those girls? At the party and at school? They’re not fans of mine.”

 

His face screwed up as Rey reached for the silver handle and tugged the door open, cold air spilling onto the street as he followed her inside.

 

“Who - Q’ira and Jyn and them? Who the fuck cares?”

 

“Shhh! I work here!” she hissed, separating the beads and entering the back storeroom.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, hunching closer as she walked to the rear of the shop. “What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Uh, clearly it has a lot to do with everything.”

 

“Uh, clearly it does not. You’re not making any sense.” He ran a hand through his hair as he stood to full height. “What do those jerks have to do with anything?”

 

“They’re sort of terrifying, in case you haven’t noticed. And I think they’re your friends? Right?”

 

“So? You’re my friend, too. Aren’t you?”

 

“Yes.” She stared at his shoes as the front door chimed in the distance.

 

“Well then, who gives a fuck?” he said, moving closer and raising his eyebrows when Rey met his eyes. “You hear me?”

 

Nodding, she wrapped her arms around herself.

 

“I gotta get out there. I’m on the clock.”

 

“Okay. But, just - hey. What if I bring food in here? Does that count? Will your boss be okay with that?”

 

Rey tipped her head side-to-side while she thought, considering the ceiling.

 

“Maybe.”

 

He stepped around her with a smirk and pushed through the hanging beaded doorway.

 

“I’m taking that as a yes,” he said over his shoulder while he headed for the front door.

 

*********

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	2. Sophomore Year, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a whole slew of people I trust read this and I ended up indebted and amazed.[@slipgoingunder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slipgoingunder/pseuds/slipgoingunder), [@voicedimplosives](https://archiveofourown.org/users/voicedimplosives/pseuds/voicedimplosives), [@Whiskey_and_Rye](https://jyn-mojito.tumblr.com/), my sister [@delia-pavorum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/literaryminded/pseuds/delia-pavorum) and my ride-or-die, [@newerconstellations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewerConstellations/pseuds/NewerConstellations) all made this work better.

  
  
  
**Chapter 2**

 **Sophomore** **Year** , **Part** **1**

 

*******

She’d never missed school because of a hurricane before.

 

The storm wasn’t slowing, and even the diehards were boarding up. Rey and her dad anchored the Falcon, locking her up tightly, and took a bus to the nearest storm shelter to ride it out.

 

“Oh my lord, what a circus,” Paige said as they carefully stepped through the enormous church auditorium.

 

Blow-up mattresses sat beside cardboard boxes, makeshift bedrooms politely separated by orange traffic cones. Arms wrapped around knees, they sat against the baptismal and watched the general population squabble over square footage.

 

“This is insane.”

 

“This is a hurricane party,” Rose said.

 

Half the city was having a sleepover as a Category 4 storm bore down on the coast, and Rey was grateful her two best girlfriends were hunkering down with her.

 

“Look,” Paige said.

 

Thicker and taller than he’d been in May, Ben Solo stepped gingerly between quilts and coolers, picking his way to a solitary folding chair. He propped an ankle over his knee and tugged a ball cap down over his eyes, inky waves tumbling against his t-shirt collar as he folded his arms over his broad chest.

 

Rey hadn’t seen him the entire summer.

 

His politician mother in the state capital, and pilot father a mystery to her, Rey had been deeply disappointed when Ben mentioned he would be at camp in Tennessee for 12 weeks.

 

“Woah,” she’d said. “That’s a long time.”

 

“You gonna miss me, Sunshine?” he’d said, tugging the end of her braid where it laid over her shoulder.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Maybe, huh? You and your maybes.”

 

She’d grinned bashfully, unable to speak while working through the tangled conflict in her chest. Instead, she’d spent the entire summer working at the Castle, watching the door.

  
All those weeks no one brought her a veggie wrap from The Buttery. No one moonwalked around the thrift store in a discount fedora, trying to make her laugh. No one propped their feet on the counter while she made change for a customer.

 

Not for 12 weeks.

 

She’d gotten tan with Finn and Rose on the beach, worked for Maz, and learned about boys’ camp in Tennessee on the computers at the library instead of completing the required reading for sophomore English honors.

 

“I’m gonna get some fresh air,” Rey said to her girlfriends as she stood.

 

She propped the sketchbook under her arm and headed for the side door. The king palms swayed in the brisk breeze, low, gray clouds layered with hot Gulf air.

 

“There’s my girl.”

 

Something inside roused and stretched at the sound of his voice as her pencil hovered above the pad.

 

He hugged a long arm around her shoulders where she sat on a picnic table and climbed up to join her.

 

“Hey, sweetness.”

 

“Hey, Solo,” she said with a grin as he tugged her beneath his arm crooked around her neck. His fist hung like a charm around her neck as she met his melted chocolate gaze. “How are you, stranger?”

 

“Happy to be home and ready to sleep in my own bed again, to be quite honest, but tickled as all get-out to see you here.”

 

“Tickled as all get-out? Did they turn you into a proper southern gentleman up at that camp, or what?” she said, elbowing his ribs.

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

He chewed at his cheek, jaw sliding as he smirked and winked at her and tipped his baseball cap until she laughed.

 

“Can you believe this? Missing the first week of school for a hurricane?” she said, eyes on the massive branches swinging fifteen feet above the table.

 

“Yeah, we haven’t had a good hurricane day off school since fourth grade. I’m not complaining, though.”

 

“Why are you here and not at home in your fortress of a mansion?”

 

Her heart sped as she looked at him, the familiar scent of his cologne wafting towards her on the warm wind.

 

He shrugged and lowered his arm from her shoulders, leaning back against his palms on the wooden table.

 

“Mom’s in Tallahassee. Dad’s god knows where. I’m still a minor. What about you? How’d you get here?”

 

“My dad’s inside.”

 

“Oh yeah? Chewie’s here?”

 

She watched as he twisted to see the glass door behind them, looking towards the church. Was his jaw always that defined? She couldn’t remember seeing stubble along that ridge before, and she memorized it for later.

 

“Yeah. He’ll be ready for a card game whenever you are, I’m sure.”

 

“Played poker all summer,” he said, eyes falling to the tiny lake they faced. “Maybe I can give him a run for his money now.”

 

“Yeah, just make sure they’re penny stakes, Solo. Ya got that?” she said, bumping his hip.

 

His jaw rolled as he eyed her before turning away. Sticky air gusted briefly, rifling her sketchbook pages while the ponytail against her neck danced in the breeze.

 

“So, what’d you do in this town all summer? Got some sun, I see.”

 

“A little, yeah. I’m a proper Floridian now, ya know. Gotta look the part.”

 

“You’d better not start looking like everybody else around here. I won’t recognize you without long hair and crazy clothes.”

 

“My clothes are not crazy. They’re an expression of art represented by my wardrobe. Teen Vogue had a whole article about it.”

 

“Please. You’re like a teenage version of a crazy cat lady.”

 

“Shows how much you know, I don’t even like cats. I’m a dog person. At least, I think I am. Up till now I’ve only been able to be a bird person, but I’m actually very committed to the idea of being a dog person.”

 

“No way. You’re a cat person. You’d regularly claw me to shreds if you were able.”

 

“I would not! I’m precious and cuddly. Total dog person.”

 

“Uh, I have a dog, and I’m telling you, you are not a dog person. I’m the dog person.”

 

“I mean, you’re not wrong. I’ve never seen bigger puppy eyes on a human boy than you.”

 

He batted his eyelashes and stuck out a bottom lip as he whimpered and Rey dissolved into laughter immediately. Warm, saucy goodness filtered through her gears, filling in all the vacant space the summer had left behind.

 

“Does that work on you now?” he grinned, bumping her shoulder with his own. “The puppy dog eyes work on you now, Sunshine?”

 

“They always worked on me,” she said quietly, fidgeting with the notebook spiral in her lap. “What did you do up at camp all summer?”

 

“Eh, you know,” Ben shrugged, looking out at the rippling lake. “Camp stuff. Mostly boring shit.”

 

“Yeah? Like what? I’ve never been to camp. Tell me.”

 

“Oh, you know. Sports and whatnot. Hiking. Little bit of conditioning. Mostly lots of smelly guys doing stupid shit and trying not to get caught.”

 

“Sounds a lot like the school co-op on the commune.”

 

“Does it?”

 

“Lots of smelly boys running around, making a mess amusing themselves and getting into trouble? Exactly like the commune.”

 

“Yeah? You never really talk about it.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. I guess not.”

 

“How come?”

 

Rey shrugged.

 

“It was great when I was little. Ya know, lots of wide, open spaces and fresh air in Oregon. Once my mom died, and we bought the boat, I think I just started to forget. Ya know? Like, I wanted to forget.”

 

Ben nodded at the water while she doodled on the sketchbook cover, throat scratching like it always did when she thought of her mom.

 

“It was good though. My mom...the commune was pretty. In the summer, especially. Apple orchards as far as the eye could see.”

 

Ben smiled as he caught her eye, turning briefly as Rey cleared her throat.

 

“So…” she gulped, “no camp romance to write home about?”

 

“I mean, plenty of cute guys up there for sure, but I don’t really go in for that sort of thing,” he smirked down at her as she risked a glance at him. “And no. No cute girls up there at the all-boys camp.”

 

She shook her head and studied her hands, cheeks burning while she felt his gaze on her.

 

He exhaled and drew an arm around her neck, tugging her gently against himself again.

 

“No living sunbeams, that’s for sure.”

 

Looking up at him fully was out of the question, so she squeezed one eye closed as she glimpsed up at him beside her while he chuckled down at her. Thunder cracked as the afternoon sky brightened with a flash of lightning, and she jerked as Ben’s arm twitched around her.

 

“And, that’s our cue to go inside,” he said, climbing down from the picnic table top.

 

Her heart tightened in her chest as she hugged her sketchbook close, and threaded an arm through Ben’s as they walked to the church door.

 

Watching sprinkling rain all afternoon, and then splattering drops, and finally a torrential downpour, they shared a can of lukewarm Coke while the storm bellowed.

 

A town’s worth of strangers hunkered down to wait out the hurricane and Rey and Ben stretching onto their bellies to watch the starless sky deepen as night arrived behind black clouds.

 

When she curled onto a second-hand comforter between Rose and Paige in the sanctuary, she made sure to angle herself. A hundred people separated them as the church’s lights dimmed for sleep. Ben twisted his ball cap so the snaps held his hair against his forehead, and he crossed his arms as he leaned into his chair.

 

When her eyes finally slid shut to sleep, they’d been staring at one another for an hour.

 

******

 

It was impossible to tell where one boat ended and the next began.

 

The smashed marina decks and collapsed pilings impaled the jumbled boat hulls that laid beached on the hot sand, a chaos of splintered wood like incomplete toothpick projects.

 

Chewie climbed through the Falcon’s wreckage as Rey shouted nervously from shore. One wrong step spent recovering destroyed memorabilia and he’d fall.

 

What money they’d saved was gone by the end of three weeks’ hotel stay.

 

Moving into Hux’s father’s section 8 public housing project was humbling, but necessary. Rey tugged her knee socks high and kept her chin lifted, even when Hux’s smug smile haunted her as she marched down the hall between Finn and Rose.

 

The Gulf sun burned brightly as fall blazed on, and Rey planned a new walking route to school.

 

When Ben started swinging by to pick her up instead, she tossed her bag onto the bench seat before swinging an arm around his shoulders and kissing his cheek, grateful for his heart of gold and black pickup.

 

******

 

“No way,” Poe said, chewing through a handful of grapes. “His boss finds out about it, I guarantee he’s going to juvie.”

 

“I’m tellin you, man. Snap says he saw the kid pocket a five like three times a shift, and nobody ever noticed,” Finn said. “I wasn’t there, I’m just telling you what he said.”

 

“I believe it,” Paige said, eyes closed where she lay in the sun. “He’s been trouble since we were in second grade at Parkridge.”

 

“I agree,” Ben said, “kid’s a punk. I used to play ball with him. He’s a sneaky bastard, lemme tell you. Stole more than one base from me. Slimy motherfucker.”

 

He crunched a bite of green apple and laid his head in Rey’s lap, ankles crossed where his legs extended into the sun. Rey planted her hands behind her and closed her eyes, head tilting back as she listened.

 

“Yeah, you’ve got a point there,” Poe said. “I just don’t know if he’s smart enough to get away with it.”

 

A crunch filled the silence as Ben took another bite and Rey watched light dance behind her eyelids. Four hours till last bell and then work.

 

“Hey, who wants to go to the fair this weekend?” Paige asked, changing the subject and sitting up.

 

“Me, I wanna go,” Finn said.

 

“Yeah, I’m in.”

 

“What day?” Rey asked. “I work Saturday.”

 

“Sunday?” Paige asked, as everyone else nodded.

 

“Cool,” Rey said, closing her eyes again to enjoy the end of lunchtime.

 

Ben helped her stand when the bell rang, a casual arm hooked around her shoulders as she held books against her chest, accustomed to the cadence of his gait beside her.

 

“Sunday?” he asked.

 

“Sunday.”

 

She didn’t wrap her arm around his middle the way Paige walked with Snap through the halls, but she smiled on the way into Algebra 2 as he walked away after kissing her temple.

 

******

 

“Oh my God,” Rey said, whining as she craned her neck to see the towering ride above them.

 

“It’ll be fun,” Rose said, tugging her along. “Promise.”

 

“It’s the best ride ever,” Finn said, sandwiching her between Ben and Rose helplessly as they moved through the line. “You’ll love it.”

 

“It looks like a death trap,” she said, staring up at the yellow cars rocking above them on the fairgrounds.

 

“You’ll be fine,” Rose said, grinning as she walked. “No one has died on this in like a month at least.”

 

“She’s kidding,” Finn said, laughing as Rey groaned.

 

Ben laughed and squeezed her shoulders, leaving his hands on her as they walked behind their friends.

 

“Tell my father I love him,” she said over her shoulder as they walked, catching his eye.

 

“Come on, drama queen.”

 

Rey held up the remnants of her icy drink and he finished it off as they wound their way through the queue. Leaning back against his chest, she watched the ride spin screaming people above them.

 

“I’m too young to die.”

 

“I gotcha, sweetness.”

 

The metal door snapped shut and Ben pulled the bar across their laps. He touched a finger beneath her chin once they were squeezed together tightly and Rey’s wide eyes flew to his as her heart sped.

 

“Hey,” he said, bringing her closer. “C’mere.”

 

His lips pressed against hers before she thought to close her eyes, but they slipped shut anyway, whiting out as Ben overwhelmed her in a spinning blur. Her stomach bottomed out as the car swung them high, twisting as her hands grasped for the bar and her lips clung to his. When her eyes sprung open as a shout tore through her at the ride’s speed, her breath caught with wonder and Ben found her hand.

 

She blinked a flushed smile at him as the ride whipped the hair off her neck, shocked as they sailed through the sky.

 

She didn’t die.

 

Breathless, she tumbled from the yellow bucket onto the packed dirt as the ride ended, beaming as Ben pulled her towards their friends.

Her heart jogged joyously as they walked, and Rey wound her other hand around Ben’s arm. Her fingers laced between his while he laughed with Poe, and the stars twinkled high between the fairground lights.

 

******

 

“Don’t!” Rey said, eyes wild with insistence as Ben bit his lip and reached for her again. “I mean it, Solo! Do not tickle me again!”

 

“Or what, Sunshine?”

 

His long arms gave him too much advantage, and Rey escaped behind the counter as he lunged again.

 

“Or I’ll...I’ll...I’ll spank you,” she said, grabbing the fly swatter from beside the cash register.

 

Twitching, he faked left and then right as his playful gaze held hers, grinning as he taunted her. The door chimed and Rey straightened from her defensive pose, glancing at the door as Ben stood straight again, too.

 

“Solo,” Q’ira said as she walked into the Castle with Jess. “What’s up, buddy?”

 

“Your Highness,” she said to Rey as she walked past Ben, looking at the fly swatter in her hand. “Nice scepter.”

 

She smiled cruelly as she sauntered, Jess at her side as Rey’s cheeks burned with simmering anger.

 

“Hey, Ben,” Jess breathed.

 

“What are you doing here, Q’ira?” he said.

 

Rey stood frozen, heat rising in her chest as she twirled the fly swatter, resisting the urge to slam a gratifying _thwack_ across the counter.

 

“Just looking at trash obviously, Solo.”

 

“There’s probably nothing here for you, Q’ira,” Rey said, her voice trembling as both girls turned from the rack to face her. “We’re not accepting consignments right now.”

 

Q’ira smiled. “Got all the junk you need for now, Reyanna?”

 

Furious shame sealed her lips as the girls slid past Ben. Jess touched his arm and he flinched.

 

Rey dropped into the seat beneath her as they door jingled their departure. Within seconds, his body between her knees made it impossible to ignore Ben.

 

“Look at me. Rey, look at me, Sunshine.”

 

He tilted her chin, bringing her eyes to his as tears slipped down her cheeks. With warm hands, he brushed them away and leaned down to kiss her gently. His plush lips pecked at hers before sliding, fingertips under her jaw as he held her face.

 

Breathing fast, her tears ceased as she caught his elbows. Pushing her knees apart as his chest brushed hers, her hands wandered to his belt loops as he kissed her again, tipping her face, licking at her opening mouth as she gasped.

 

“Ben Solo,” Maz said, loud voice erupting from the tiny woman as she approached. “Rey is on the clock right now and you are behind the counter.”

 

Rey jumped as Ben broke the kiss, backing away as Maz stepped between them.

 

“Sorry, Maz,” he said, a hand to the back of his neck.

 

“S-sorry, Maz,” Rey said, brushing dried tears tracks from her cheeks.

 

“Alright, alright. Get out of here,” she said, hands flapping as she shooed Ben out the door.

 

“I’ll call you later,” he said, pulling the door closed behind himself.

 

*******

 

“Are you serious? You’re already thinking about college?” Poe asked, reaching for another water bottle. “We’re sixteen.”

 

“It’s not me, man,” Ben said. “My mom. She’s on my case every time she’s home.”

 

Rey scooped fine granules of the crystal sand through her fingers, watching as it slid to a pile under her hand. The seagulls circled the cooler between them as Rose handed Finn a bag of chips.

 

“Does she want you to be a senator, too?” Paige asked.

 

Ben’s body moved behind her, and Rey kept her eyes trained on the white sand. It felt like he’d probably shrugged, but Rey focused on listening silently.

 

“I dunno. She talks a lot about law school, yeah. I have pretty much zero interest in becoming a lawyer, though. I’d much rather fly, like my dad.”

 

“Where’s he fly?” Rose asked. “Like, for an airline or something?”

 

“Something like that,” Ben said. “Private clients, small airports, big businesses. I don’t even really know.”

 

“Well, it’s awesome that he can just fly you where ever you wanna go look at schools. That’s amazing,” Finn said.

 

“I guess,” Ben said, brushing fallen hair away from Rey’s neck as sand fell through her fingers.

 

“C’mon Solo, wanna throw the ball around?” Snap said from beside Paige, tossing a football into the air, squinting into the late afternoon sun over the beach.

 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

 

He planted a kiss at Rey’s temple and jumped up from her towel, brushing sand from his board shorts and twisting his hat backwards as he jogged beside Snap down the sand.

 

Rey glanced up as they slapped one another hard, rounding up two random guys to play tackle.

 

“So, that’s a thing now, huh?” Finn asked. “You and Solo? Officially?”

 

“What? No.”

 

“No?!” Finn stared at her, a hand over his eyes as the sun’s glare beat down. “Have you seen you two?”

 

“We’re just hanging out. We’re friends.”

 

She closed her eyes as she laid down, soaking up the bright light as the hollering guys nearby carried on.

 

Finn snorted and followed suit, facing the sky as he spoke.

 

“Yeah, right.”

 

“I’m serious. We’re just friends. Best friends.”

 

“Uh, yeah. Okay.”

 

“For real, Finn.”

 

“Rey, you’re delusional. He is absolutely your boyfriend.”

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“Like hell it isn’t. You hold hands and kiss Poe goodbye in the halls at school, too? Because I know that’s not how you and me are, and we’re best friends.”

 

She huffed and felt for the sand beside her towel, digging fingers into the deep chill until it embedded beneath her nails.

 

“We’re just affectionate.”

 

“You sure he knows that?”

 

“Yeah. We’ve talked about it. He knows I can’t be serious.”

 

“Alright well, for best friends who agreed not to be a couple, you two sure hang all over each other an awful lot, that’s all I’m saying.”

 

“So?”

 

“Look, all I know is Poe called him to come shoot hoops Wednesday night and he was at your apartment playing cards with your dad, waiting til you got off work to pick you up and drive you home because it was dark.”

 

Rey turned to watch the boys tackle Ben to the sand, laughing as he threw the football to Snap, a wobbly spiral that landed short.

 

“That’s not a best friend,” Finn said. “That’s a boyfriend.”

 

His words hung like lazy cotton clouds overhead as the sun drifted to the water’s edge and orange beams reached through purple sky to the waking stars. She leaned back against Ben between his knees, committing the colors to memory as she planned a drawing.

 

When Finn’s eye caught hers as she swallowed her minty ice cream and Ben reached for her cone to take a bite, she looked away and watched the sun dip lower.

 

He still tasted like ice cream and sand when she kissed him in the front seat of his truck, parked in front of her apartment after dark. When his hand found her ass in the high waisted bikini bottoms beneath her damp towel, she trembled against his lips as he toyed with the edge.

She pulled his hat off and ran her hands through his gritty hair, sunburned cheeks heated as he slid a hand gently over the front of her halter top.

 

“I have to go in.”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

Ten minutes later she tried again, as she withdrew her arms from his sandy, bare shoulders.

 

“Have to go in.”

 

“Call me tomorrow,” he said against her throat, kissing the fine sand from her skin. His huge hand swallowed the globe of her breast, squeezing until her head fell back as she moaned quietly.

 

“Work tomorrow,” she whispered, eyes closed as she tugged his face against herself and pulled at his hair. “Have to go. Have to wake up early.”

 

“Call me tomorrow,” he repeated, lips leaving a trail from collarbone to ear. His fingertips grazed her through the nylon, nipple taut as his touch teased her.

 

“Okay. I should be able to around break,” she said, finding his mouth covering hers.

 

Recklessness traveled through her as she opened her mouth to suck on his tongue, moaning louder as he wrapped tight arms around her waist. Flush against his hot chest, she was panting when he groaned into her neck.

 

She arched into him, a final goodbye as he kissed down her breast towards the center, nosing her bikini top as she pulled back. Both hands tugged her bottom closer.

 

“No. Not enough. Say you will, baby,” he grumbled, kissing her again.

 

“Okay,” she said, kissing him twice before climbing out of the truck. Forehead against his as she caught her breath, she rubbed her nose against his as she disentangled herself.

 

“Maybe.”

 

She laughed, bounding up the stairs to the door she’d enter while he watched, sure he was waiting to know she was safely inside.

 

*******

 

It wouldn’t get cool until February or March, Rey remembered from the year before, but she grabbed a cardigan anyhow.

 

“Reyanna Merridee,” her mama would have sung from the kitchen before Rey went to gather eggs or climb trees. Her dark hair would be knotted in a maze of braids above her apron straps. “Take a sweater,” she’d call.  

 

Her mother’s face was impossible to draw now. It had been too long. Her hair, though, was a constant in Rey’s memory bank.

It wouldn’t grow grey, it wouldn’t thin. Her mother’s hair would always fall from Rey’s pencil dark and complicated, twisting coils and perfect tendrils.

 

“God,” Jyn groaned as Rey stepped into the art room on the second floor, layered under the cardigan just in case. “Another thrift store find?”

 

She held a brush aloft while surveying Rey openly, eyebrows high while she assessed her.

 

Rey had learned not to respond, so she swallowed the insult whole and pulled the baby pink sweater around herself tighter.

 

“This is it, Mrs. Mothma,” she said, placing the page on her art teacher’s desk after school.

 

Her teacher looked up at her before studying the drawing Rey had dropped.

 

Her dad’s beard looked a bit too Santa-esque, but she’d captured his sad, sweet eyes well, Rey thought, even if it had taken two months.

 

“This is excellent, Rey. Truly a vast improvement, and that’s saying something, considering you’ve always had such a keen eye.”

 

Rey blushed and bit her lip, hoping to keep the conversation quiet between herself and her mentor.

 

“Did the subject know he was being drawn?”

 

“No. Well, I mean, not exactly. It’s my dad, so I know what he looks like, but no. He didn’t sit for me or anything.”

 

“So you did this all from memory? No reference for perspective?”

 

She nodded and looked from the sketch to her teacher.

 

“You’ve got such a good hand. This is remarkable.”

 

“Thank you,” she said, cheeks pinking under the praise.

 

“I mean it,” her teacher said, rising. “Well done. Really.”

 

She turned as Mrs. Mothma’s hand found her shoulder, heading for the door, thankful Jyn wouldn’t have a chance to speak to her again before exiting.

 

“You’ll be ready to enter competition next year. And honestly, work like this will be great for applying to art programs, as well.”

 

“Thanks, Mrs. Mothma,” she beamed, stepping into the hall.

 

Ben kicked off the bank of lockers as Rey met his eye, grinning as he surprised her.

 

“Anything I can do to help, let me know, Rey. Seriously.”

 

“Okay, I will. Thank you.”

 

“Ready?” he asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he planted a kiss into her braids.

 

“Mmmhmm,” she smiled, arms folded over the books against her chest.

 

********

 

“Happy birthday, Reyanna!” Paige said, as she ran up behind her.

She handed Rey a gerbera daisy, and squeezed her tight as they stood in the moving river of students.

 

People rushed by as Paige faced her, twisting the stem in Rey’s hand until it broke. She tucked the flower behind Rey’s ear, anchored into her Dutch braid and smiled.

 

“Perfect.”

 

Arm-in-arm, they wove between high schoolers to fifth period Economics.

 

“What’d you get the birthday girl, Solo?” Paige asked Ben, tossing her backpack to the floor between their desks.

 

Rey busied herself, half-listening as she secured the flower and sat down in front of him.

 

“It’s a surprise,” he said, gently tugging Rey’s braids, his favorite Econ pastime.

 

Rey looked over her shoulder and grinned at him, showing off her birthday daisy.

 

“I’ll bring your gift when I pick you up from work tonight,” he said, reaching to touch the flower behind her ear. “K, birthday girl?”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

********

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

“They’re closed.”

 

“No peeking.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Okay. Hang on,” he said.

 

“Solo?” she said after a minute. “Ben? Hello?” She peeked between her fingers as he approached the Castle door from the parking lot again. His broad shoulders hunched over and Rey zipped her fingers together over her face.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“I’m ready. Can I move my hands now?

“Okay. Open.”

 

A tiny, grey kitten sat dwarfed inside his large boy hands, whiskers twitching as it sat motionless, staring at Rey.

 

“Oh my god! Is that for me?!”

 

“Yeah,” he chuckled as Rey squealed and ran around the counter. “Happy birthday, sweetness.”

 

“Oh my god! She’s so soft! Is it a she or a he? Oh, isn’t she the tiniest, sweetest, cutest, most precious thing there ever was?”

 

She scooped the kitten from Ben’s hands and pulled it against her chest, staring at the small face and curious eyes.

 

“You like her?”

  
“Are you kidding? She’s the best gift anyone’s ever given me!”

 

Rey pulled his shoulder forward and kissed him on the lips before her head landed at his collarbone while she looked at her little cat.

 

“Thank you,” she said as he wrapped arms around her.

 

“I wasn’t sure you’d like her. You know, you thought you were a dog person, but I had a feeling.”

 

“You were right. You were right,” she said, nuzzling the tiny creature curling into her hands, harmless claws stretching into Rey’s school shirt as she moved. “I’m a cat person.”

 

“Good. I’m not sure my dog wanted me to keep her.”

 

“I love her. Thank you, Ben. Thank you,” she said, lifting her face to kiss him again, eyes shining.

 

“Chewie thought you’d like it,” he said, rubbing the kitten’s soft head against Rey’s chest.

 

“I do. You know me.”

 

Ben kissed her head and squeezed her tightly. “Ready to lock up?”

 

“Mmhmm,” she said, kissing the kitten gently. “You ready to lock up, sweet, little lamby? Hmm? Want to lock the store with me?” she murmured, walking to turn off lights.

 

The kitten curled in Rey’s lap as Ben leaned over to kiss her soundly when he dropped Rey at home, careful not to crush the cat.

 

“My favorite gift from my favorite person,” she said between kisses.

 

“Remind me to give you more gifts,” he said, smiling against her lips.

 

********

 

His bedroom was easily three times the size of Rey’s. It smelled like his cologne and the bleach she’d seen the housekeeper carry downstairs when they’d passed on the stairs.

 

“Are you sure no one’s here?” she asked, craning to see the door.

 

Ben lifted his head from her neck, hair hanging in his eyes as he looked down at her.

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“It’s just, I...it’s broad daylight.”

 

“There’s nobody here, sweetness. I promise. It’s just us.”

 

“Okay.”

 

His leg landed between her thighs as he kissed her, a hand sliding under her school shirt as his knee teased the apex of her legs. When he reached her bra, Rey tensed, and her lips froze as he looked down at her again.

 

“Too much?” he asked.

 

“I’m just nervous.”

 

He blew the bangs from his face and climbed off the bed, offering her a hand as she tugged her shirt down over her stomach.

 

“Let’s go watch TV.”

 

When they reached the door, she pulled on his hand and tugged his head to hers for a deeper kiss than she’d granted on his bed.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Sunshine. You call the shots,” he said, kissing her knuckles as they walked into the hallway.

 

He made plenty of space for her to make choices, but within a half hour she’d decided she wanted less space, anyhow.

 

“Why do you have to be so good-looking? It’s not fair,” she said, whining against his lips as she straddled him on the couch.

 

The movie played behind her as his hands crept up her back till they played with her bra strap so long she unhooked it herself.

 

“The universe made me how you’d like me, Sunshine. You’re doomed,” he said, sucking a purple bruise into her neck as his hands slipped into the soft cups of her loose bra.

 

“You’re the devil.”

 

“I’m an angel.”

 

“You’re evil.”

 

“I’m a puppy. You said so yourself.”

 

“You are a puppy. You’re my dark angel puppy.”

 

“You love it.”

 

“I hate it.”

 

“You love me.”

 

“Touch me more, _hhnngghhh_ , Ben, touch me more.”

 

********

 

“What?!” Poe said incredulously, eyes flashing to Rey’s before they settled on the road again. “Are you kidding me?”

 

Rey shook her head and rolled her eyes, turning to stare out the window next to her. Finn piped up from the backseat.

 

“They’re not a couple, Poe. You heard her. They’re, quote ‘affectionate,’ unquote.”

 

Poe turned to her sharply as he sputtered and Rey watched the pine trees speed by on their way to Ben’s basketball game.

 

“Rey, seriously. You know that’s nonsense, right? You two are in serious love. Everyone sees it. Like, everyone.”

 

“I’m sixteen, Poe,” she said, eyes on the landscape. “I’m not gonna get married at 17 like my mom.”

 

“Pfft, okay,” he said, shaking his head. He angled the rear view mirror to peek at Finn behind him. “She’ll be denying Ben’s her boyfriend while she’s pushing out his baby.”

 

She glared at him and folded arms over her purse strap while Finn sputtered a laugh.

 

“Would you stop it? Ben’s my person.” She turned to watch the trees again. “He knows that. I don’t need to explain it to you two clowns.”

 

“Yeah, well all I’m saying is make sure your person wears a rubber.”

 

“We’re not having sex!”

 

“Yet,” Poe said. “Don’t look at me like that, Sunny, we’ve watched you two maul each other all year. He’s got it bad for you, girl. Real bad.”

 

“Yeah, he does,” Finn said from the back. “Ben’s whooped.”

 

“We’re best friends. Best-best friends. Next-level best friends.”

 

“That’s called being a couple,” Poe said.

 

“Yes. A couple of best friends. Why does it even matter what label we use, huh? I’m barely sixteen.”

 

“Just tell me this. Why are you opposed to the title of girlfriend? Hmm? Don’t you like him? What - do you not like his goofy ears or something? Is that it?”

 

“I love his ears.”

 

“Alright, well what then?”

 

“He hasn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend.”

 

Poe shot her a withering look and then muttered something before looking at the road.

 

“I’m for real. Me and Ben we...we belong to each other. I know we do, I’m not stupid. I just...I have my reasons for being like this. There are factors.”

 

“Like what?” Finn said.

 

“Like Hux and Q’ira hate me. Like I’m broke and he lives on Bayshore Avenue.”

 

“Like your mom passed away at 26 and she’d only ever been with your dad?” Finn said.

 

Rey watched the trees zoom and said nothing as Poe drove.

 

“My dad would say that’s like following the letter of the law versus the spirit of the law.” Finn added.

 

“Call it what you want,” Rey said. “I love Ben more than anything and he knows it.”

 

“Does he?” Poe asked.

 

Rey met his eyes and cocked her head.

 

“Of course he does.”

 

*******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	3. Sophomore Year, Part 2

 

**Chapter 3**

**Sophomore Year, Part 2**

 

 

***********

 

“How is it?” Rey leaned between them and tenderly touched Ben’s braced knee, bent to relieve pressure as he hopped to the bus. “Does it hurt?”

He balanced elbows on her shoulders and pressed his forehead to hers as he sighed and Rey held his arms where they hung between them.

“S’fine. No biggie.”

“That was a hard hit. Are you sure?”

“Yeah. He fouled, it’s all good. You see that shot I made?”

“Of course. Didn’t you hear me scream?”

Ben smiled and kissed her nose as she looked up at him.

“C’mon, Solo. Hop on the bus with your bum leg,” Coach Ackbar said as he passed, popping his clipboard against Ben.

“K, Coach,” he called, looking at Rey. “Facetime me tomorrow night after work?”

“Yeah. You sure you can still go to your mom’s event with your knee busted like that?”

“It’s fine. I’ll have a tux on. I can just hobble around and no one’ll even notice.”

“What time is your dad taking you up to Tallahassee tomorrow?”

“He likes to get in the air by like nine, so early.”

“I’ll miss you,” she said, twisting his damp jersey in her hands while his hair tickled her forehead as he leaned closer. He hopped a foot forward and planted his hands on her hips while he kissed her, ignoring a teammate who smacked him as he passed.

“Better medicine than anything Coach can give you, that right, Solo?” they called as they climbed onto the waiting bus.

Ben smirked and tugged her braid.

“I’ll pick you up Monday for school.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Rey,” he said, as she wound an arm around his waist, walking him to the bus steps. “I’ll miss you.” He leaned to kiss her once more, hands on the rails and a foot on the first step.

“I’ll call you tomorrow night. Be careful,” she said, kissing him before stepping back as he jumped up each stair.

 

Arms around herself as a brisk chill swept through the parking lot, goosebumps erupted as Hux slid up beside her while she watched Ben move to the back of the tinted bus.

“That’s your fault, you know.”

“What?”

“Solo. Tonight. That’s your fault he got injured.”

“Wh-what?! What are you talking about?”

“Always the innocent,” he muttered, shaking his head with a tiny smile at his lips. “Princess Rey. Weird, little street urchin in a castle, thinks her prince will save her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She stared at the window Ben sat beside as he winked at her, turning to high five a teammate who stood in the aisle.  
  
“You ever think about how little he plays now? Maybe he should practice every once in a while? Why do you think he got injured out there on the court tonight?”

“I...I…”

“Sad seeing my best friend turn into such a pussy. For a piece of trash.”

The air left her lungs, vision whiting at the edges as his words slammed into her. She waved as Ben met her eyes and the bus lurched away a moment later, before walking dazed to Poe’s car, eyes swimming with tears behind her glasses.

 

******

 

“Hey,” Rey said, locking the front door.

Her dad lounged in the recliner like a slumbering bear. He’d likely been snuggling her kitten for hours by the time she got home.

“Hay’s for horses. What’s new?”

“Nothing much, daddy-o,” she said, rubbing the kitten’s head where she sat curled on the arm of the recliner.

The TV played quietly while she dropped her denim jacket on the couch, kicking penny loafers off as she laid back. The neighbors were fighting again and she could hear it through the thin walls.

“Ben bring you home?”

“He had to ride the bus. And he twisted his knee during the game. It looked awful. He says it’s fine, but it had to have hurt.”

“Honey, he’s not gonna admit it hurt to you, not in a million years.”

The kitten stretched and leapt from the chair, sauntering towards Rey as she dangled a hand off the couch. Her peach fuzz fur caressed Rey’s fingertips as she rubbed herself under Rey’s hand.

“Hey, dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you play sports in high school?”

“What, back in the olden days? From the top of my dinosaur?”

“Stop it,” she grinned. “I’m serious.”

“I should’ve. I grew up playing baseball in the Bronx out in the street when I was itty-bitty with your Uncle Tony. But, when he went off to Vietnam and I stayed home to protest, I turned into a pothead. Didn’t think about anything but getting high and making love, not war. Barely made it through school.”

Rey studied the water-stained ceiling and played with the kitten’s soft fur as she purred.

“I wasn’t like Ben,” he said. “Kid’s going places. Got his head on straight.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Or like you. You’ve got your head on straight, too, kiddo.”

“Do I?”

“Sure. Look at you, getting grades good enough to scholarship every year, drawing like Da Vinci, working at the Castle making good money. Taking care of Lambchop there,” he said, pointing to her cat. “You’re such a great kid. I lucked out.”

“Dad,” she groaned.

“I’m serious. Your mama would be so proud.”

“Ya think?”

“You kidding? She’d be a crying mess all the time over how awesome her kid was.”

Rey played with a thread from the couch cushion.

“I don’t know. Some people might say I’m hypocritical. Or...trashy.”

“What? You show me who said anything like that and I’ll show you a good-for-nothing snake. You’re priceless, Reyanna. Worth far more than rubies. Just like your mama.”

“Thank you, daddy,” she said into his beard as she hugged him before she walked to her room with Lambchop tucked into her arms. “I love you.”

 

*******

“What can I order you from the Buttery today, sweetie? I’m putting in the order now,” Maz said, bobbed silver hair swinging as she peeked around the doorframe.

“I’m good. I brought a yogurt. Thanks, Maz.”

“A yogurt? That’s it?”

She disappeared into the backroom again, and heard Maz add to the order over the phone.

“I’ll take a veggie burger too, Rex, please. I’ll head over in a few minutes to pick it up. Thanks.”

Stepping through the beaded doorway, Maz walked to the counter where Rey sat sorting consigned clothes. Most of the unwashed, discarded items belonged on a burn pile, but Rey and Maz had a system for discerning hidden quality. Rey had rescued more than one piece from the dumpster only to see it restored and sold for an impressive profit.

 

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” Maz said, lifting a velvet shrug from the black trash bag. Her bracelets tinkled as she held it up, inspecting it for damage as Rey nodded and hummed agreement.

“So, where’s Romeo today, hmm?” she asked, sitting in the chair beside Rey.

She tucked her short arms into a pretzel and leaned back to watch Rey organize clothes and studied her over the top of her glasses.

“Oh. Who, Ben?” Rey said, holding up a plaid button-down.

“Yes, Ben, of course. The only boy I’ve seen you smooch in my store, that’s the one. He’s normally a fixture around here by this time on a Saturday.”

“He’s out of town,” Rey said, digging through the plastic bag. “Tallahassee.”

“Ah. His mama’s stomping ground.”

“Mmhmm.”

“You ever been up there with him?”

“Me?”

“Yes. Has he taken you to the state capital yet? Introduced you to the matriarch?”

“No. No way.”

“Why no way?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t fit in up there, for one. And for another thing, he’s not my boyfriend. I don’t need to meet his mother.”

The desk chair creaked as Maz shifted behind her.

“Not your boyfriend, eh?”

“Nope. My best friend. That’s all.”

“Mmhmm,” Maz said, smiling. She leaned back again and Rey glanced at her before reaching for another black bag. “And what’s this about you wouldn’t fit in up in Tallahassee?”

“Oh,” Rey said, “you know what I mean. All those rich and powerful grownups and their…” she motioned widely “all their...ya know.”

“No. I don’t know. All their what?”

“Money,” she shrugged, inspecting a pair of loafers. “It’s not who I am. I wouldn’t be comfortable around all that.”

“You seem pretty comfortable around Ben. At least, your lips seem pretty comfortable smashed up against his from what I’ve seen.”

Rey rolled her eyes and lifted a pair of heavy stilettos.

“Ben’s not like the rest of them,” she smiled.

“Hmm. Well, now, I don’t know. He’s a Solo, isn’t he? Comes from money, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.” She gulped at the admission, wondering who she was betraying as she agreed, herself or Ben.

“And he seems a decent fellow.”

“He’s a decent fellow, yes,” Rey grinned, turning over her shoulder to see Maz’s face. “The best fellow I know. Besides my dad.”

“And awfully cute.”

Rey blushed and snapped a vest closed, turning it over to see the label.

“Deadly cute,” she agreed, picturing the drawing she’d been working on, the one of his face from her view, just above her and smirking at something he was teasing her about.

“And you seem crazy about him.”

Rey turned and opened her mouth to speak before Maz held up a hand and cut her off.

“...Or you would be crazy about him, if he was more than your best friend, I mean.”

“Alright, probably,” she whined. “Yes, alright? He’s gorgeous and amazing. And I trust him. You’re right about that.”

“So, money doesn’t have anything to do with your comfort level after all, then.”

Rey’s hands fell into her lap atop the Christmas sweater she folded as she turned to face her boss.

“What matters is what’s in here,” Maz said, poking at her chest with a ringed finger. “Not what’s in your pocketbook,” she said, eyeglass chain wobbling as she shook her head. “Don’t ever let anybody steal your worth, Rey. And don’t be fooled into judging anyone without remembering theirs.”

 

She nodded as Rey studied her face and rose. Her tiered skirt swished along the floor as she headed for the front door, bell jingling as she stepped into the bright noon.

“Hold down the fort,” she called. “Back in a few.”

 

*******

“What are you doing here?”

She pulled him by the hand inside the apartment, as a cold breeze assaulted her, unprepared for the dark, March night in cotton shorts and oversized sweatshirt.

She yanked the stretched collar onto her shoulder and wrapped her arms around Ben as the door closed behind him.

“I thought you weren’t gonna be home til late!”

“We left Tallahassee early. My parents were fighting. Works for me,” he said, laced fingers at her back as he tugged her closer. He kissed her hungrily as she shivered, his chilled jacket and jeans cold against her house-warm skin.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too. Where’s Chewie?”

“Bed.”

“Will he mind if I’m here?”

“You’re fine. God, I missed you.”

“Mmm, you smell like cotton candy.”

“I took a bath. That’s my lotion.”

“You smell like a goddamn cupcake.”

“Come here,” she tugged him to the couch and sunk to her knees, shoving his leather jacket from his shoulders, running her hands over the firm muscle.

“You smell like,” she leaned close and smelled his neck, pressing a line of kisses against his throat as she inhaled. “Boy.”

“Gross.”

“Not gross. Good,” she said, surprised how like her cat she sounded. “Like my boy.”

She leaned back into the couch as Ben crawled over her, opening her knees until his jeans pressed against her center. Bare legs climbing around his hips, his hands slid under her ass as he kissed her, melting into the couch cushions.

“Fucking vanilla cake and icing,” he said, kissing her throat. She dragged his hand over her sweatshirt till it cupped her breast, and tugged his mouth over hers as she opened wide.

“Can you take your shirt off?” she said, fingers crawling under his t-shirt sleeves.

“Can’t,” he said, threading long fingers into her hair. “Dangerous.”

She huffed and pulled at it anyhow, hands splayed against his back as he slowly pressed his hips against hers. His firm body crushed her deeper into the couch as her breath quickened, core throbbing as he thrust into her, devouring her mouth.

“Can’t get close enough to you,” she said, whining.

Ben drew back and met her eyes, abruptly sitting on his heels to yank his shirt over his head. He glanced at the bedroom hallway and tugged her sweatshirt.

“You, too,” he whispered, pulling it over her messy bun. “Shit, you’re naked,” he hissed, palming her bare breasts with his hands as Rey laughed at his shock.

“Come here,” she said, pulling him to lay against her. “Cover me.”

Arms around his broad shoulders, she moaned as his thumb brushed over her nipple before his wet mouth melted around it.

“Shhh,” he said without lifting his head, his other hand moving to cover her mouth.

She nodded under his palm and her eyes rolled back, lost to his lips shooting flaming arrows through her blood.

He took his time kissing her, down the slope to the valley, leaving a hot trail as he mouthed her other nipple, pressing hard against the thin material of her shorts as they rode up higher.

He only paused when she lifted her hips to move against his, seeking out the friction of his body. His hands skated across her skin until they pressed at her damp panties.

“You sure your dad’s asleep?”

“Yes,” she said into the space between their lips. “More.”

She gasped and he silenced her with his lips.

“Ride my hand,” he said as Rey squeezed her eyes shut. He teased the material as she writhed under him, _almost, almost, almost_ close enough as she panted quietly.

“So fucking beautiful.”

“Ben,” she moaned, a gasping, clawing mess as she ground herself against his fingers.

“Yeah, baby. I got you.”

Nonsense spilled from her lips as she clutched at him, touching the void and cascading backward as she tumbled. She squeezed tightly under him as she whimpered, catching his hand between her legs as they slammed shut, kissing him hard.

“I love you,” he said, breathing into her neck.

“I...I…” she said, struggling to think straight and catch her breath.

She ran a hand against the rigid length trapped against his jeans zipper and he moaned into her hair, moving her hand away.

“No way. I have to drive home. I don’t want a mess.”

“But…” she said, blinking with guilt and adoration.

“It’s okay, sweetness,” he said, kissing her again. “No rush.”

“But...I love you, too.”

His eyes flew between hers as he studied her and she ran a hand against his stubbled cheek.

“I love you, Ben,” she breathed as he grabbed her up, holding her to his chest tightly.

When he pulled away from her neck, flushed with pink high on his cheeks, hair falling over his forehead as he spoke, she traced his lips and imagined pencil lines in the perfection of the curve.

“What if I hadn’t gotten home early tonight? Can you believe I would’ve missed that?”

She laughed as he pulled her upright, handing the sweatshirt to her and tugging on his t-shirt.

She curled into his lap while Lambchop jumped onto the couch to join them, and stared into his eyes while he pulled his jacket on.

“I’ll be back in the morning.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Are we one of those couples?”

“No. We’re us.”

“God, you’re so pretty. I fucking love you, Reyanna.”

“Go. Before I freeze to death,” she said, shoving him playfully as she shivered in the doorway.

“I love you,” he said, pecking her lips, hands against the doorframe.

“Benjamin,” she said with a laugh, “go!”

He winked and turned to run down the steps.  

 

******

 

“What did he say? How did this happen?” Rose asked.

“He said, ‘Paige, you’re a great girl, but I think this ran it’s course and I need to move on with a clean slate,’” Paige said, deep voice imitating Snap’s. “A clean slate. Can you even?”

Rey handed her a tissue as Rose rubbed her back. Paige shot off the bed and paused to rip three photos of him off her mirror, shredding them before slumping onto the bed where Rey took over consoling.

“I’m so sorry, Paige,” she said. “I’m completely shocked.”

“He’s an ass,” Rose announced, laying nose-to-nose beside her twin. “What a thing to pull two weeks before prom. I’ll never forgive him. He’s dead to me.”

Paige groaned and blew her nose again, reaching for another tissue.

“Just because,” she sobbed, “just because he’s graduating, he thinks he can shit all over the people he’s leaving behind like we’re nothing.”

“It’s his loss,” Rey said, stroking her hair as tears fell over the bridge of Paige’s nose. “He’ll be sorry, Paige.”

“No, he won’t. He’ll have a new girl at college in a minute and he’ll never think of me again. Meanwhile, I’ll be here stuck with all the morons we’ve known since first grade for two more years till we graduate.”

Rose sighed and tucked Paige’s hair behind her ear.

“He’s the worst,” Rose said.

“The living embodiment of assholery,” Rey said.

“He’s a shithead,” Paige said. “I really loved him, ya know? It’s like...it’s like I didn’t even see it coming, either. He just did it out of the blue. I’m so stupid,” she cried.

“No, he’s just a typical guy,” Rose said. “Love ‘em and leave ‘em, like the rest of ‘em. His ego got too big and now he thinks he’s gonna score some college girls so he’s shitting on you. It’s not fair.”

“Two years. Two years I put into that relationship and what do I have to show for it now?”

Rey patted her back and listened, ignoring her phone when it buzzed and hoping her dad wouldn’t mind her coming home late.

 

********

 

“What do you think, guys? Ya like the hat?”

Finn spun around wiggling thick eyebrows beneath the beret, catching his eye in the mirror and winking.

Rose snorted and tugged a pair of combat boots on beneath a chiffon skirt and twirled beside him.

“I like this. I’m getting it.”

“That looks fantastic, sissy. You should,” Paige said, popping another M&M into her mouth.

“What about you, P?” Rey asked from the counter, erasing an errant stroke in her sketchbook. She brushed the pink shards aside and looked up. “What are you wearing?”

“I’m not going,” Paige said, eating another candy as the shop erupted in outrage.

“What?” Finn shouted, spinning to face her.

“Like hell!” Poe added.

“Because of that bastard, Snap?” Rose said, stomping as she faced her twin. “He can’t rob you of prom, Paige! Don’t let him do it!”

Rey stepped around the counter and stood beside Ben where he sat listening, feet propped on the clothing rack. He wound an arm around her hips as she leaned against him, arms folded as she watched Paige’s response.

“It’s whatever,” Paige shrugged.  “I’m not going to go to prom without a date, and I’m not going to watch him show up with someone else. It’s fine.”

“Paige, come on. It’ll be fun,” Rey said, brow furrowing. “We’re all going together...we’ll miss you!”

“I don’t even have a dress.”

“I literally have the absolute perfect thing for you,” Rey said, grabbing a jade green dress from the farthest rack. “I almost put it aside for you when it came in, but I wanted you to have a look around first,” she said, walking over with the gown carefully draped over her arm.

“Here,” she said, pulling Paige to her feet while she groaned and stuffed several more M&M’s into her mouth. “Take this. Try it on. Tell me it’s not perfect.”

She shoved her gently into a dressing room and sat in Paige’s vacant seat as her friends twisted in front of the mirrors. Smiling smugly, she met Rose’s eye.

“What are you wearing, missy? Hmm? Haven’t seen your prom dress yet.”

Rey blushed and bit her lip, glancing at Ben where he sat watching the spectacle in a top hat and basketball shorts. He folded his thick arms over his chest and smirked encouragement at her in amusement.

“Maz is holding it in the back,” she said quietly as Finn grabbed her arm to drag her from the seat.

“Go put it on for us!” he said as Rey stood reluctantly, whining.

“No,” she said, as Rose pushed her to the rear of the Castle.

“Yes. Reyanna Sunshine, put the dang dress on.”

With reverent awe she touched the raw lavender silk as she carefully drew it from the storeroom closet, safe from resale while she earned her way to it.

It was the dress she’d pined for that Maz had seen her admire, and it hadn’t ever made it to the shop window like most of the choice pieces did.

“Ro, come help me?” she said to Rose, pulling the beads back to find her girlfriend’s attention.

Ben met her eyes and held her gaze as she waited for Rose to swish through the store, and her heart beat harder.

“Ooh, pretty.”

“Ya think?”

“Rey, this is gorgeous. Put it on, I’ll zip you up.”

Quickly, she shed layers, covering herself as she dropped the bra, eager to feel the smooth chill of the satin lining against her skin. She grinned as Rose zipped the back and unlaced her braids, hair falling in waves over her bare shoulders. The skirt swung around her calves as she walked, and she tugged the bodice under her arms in the mirror before leaving the backroom bathroom.

“Wow,” Rose breathed. “Ben is going to die.”

Rey rolled her eyes and smiled, tugging off her knee socks before walking barefoot through the beaded doorway.

“Woah,” Finn said, a sideways smile tugging his mouth into a grin.

“Mamacita,” Poe said, eyes flying to Ben as he looked at Rey.

Rey clicked her tongue at them and avoided Ben’s eyes as she weaved between the racks, hands finding her pockets as she made her way to the mirror.

Ben stood and took her hand, lifting their arms as he twirled her.

“I…” he said, shaking his head and smirking, “I’m speechless.”

“Yeah?” she asked, meeting his eyes when she stood in front of him.

“Paige! That dress was made for you!” Rose exclaimed as Paige exited the dressing room.

“Beautiful,” Finn agreed, nodding.

“Come here, hot stuff,” Poe said, dancing her in circles till she laughed.

Rey rang them all up in her vintage gown as Ben watched, hands laced behind his head in her peripheral vision as their prom clothes went home in white, plastic bags.

“Thank you for shopping at Consignment Castle,” she said as they paid.

“What are we doing after prom?” Poe asked as Rey found her way into Ben’s lap. His hand cupped her knee as she draped an arm around his shoulders, listening. He placed his top hat on her head and she rolled her eyes, smiling when she dropped it on the floor beneath his chair.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered while their friends talked.

Rey met his eyes, sparkling in the evening light and felt him squeeze her knee. Had there always been green specks there? Time to invest in colored pencils.

“You took my breath away,” he whispered.

“What are you gonna wear, anyway?”

“Doesn’t matter. Nobody will be looking at me.”

“Someone said something about an after-party at Jess’s house,” Paige said. “Anyone know anything about that?”

“Yeah,” Finn said, “I don’t know, though. She’s a bitch. I don’t know if I wanna go chill with that crowd.”

“We’ll find something,” Rose said.

“It wouldn’t be that bad,” Ben said as Rey watched his face. “They’re just regular people.”

“Nah,” Poe said, “they’re really not. That whole crew, they’re assholes.”

“You’re an exception, Solo,” Finn said. “The only exception.”

“You guys won’t leave me alone that night, will you?” Paige said. “I can’t handle showing up and being abandoned while Snap’s there with someone else.”

“No way, P,” Finn said. “We’ll be right with you.”

He tossed an arm around her shoulder and Rose did the same. “We’ll roll in like a posse and own the place.”

“Yeah,” Rey said, standing to join. “We’ll be six deep and nobody’ll mess with us.”

Poe and Ben joined the circle as Paige looked around smiling. Ben’s warm hand landed warmly against the back of Rey’s neck and she leaned into him as they all huddled.

“One big, happy family,” Poe said.

“Yeah, we’ll take prom pictures together and everything,” Rose said. “All six of us. Well, maybe except for Rey and Ben. So, all four of us will take a picture together,” she giggled.

“Hey! I wanna be in the photo, too!” Rey said.

“No way, you take your own lovey-dovey photo with your own boyfriend,” Paige said, rolling her eyes as she grinned. “Legit couples get legit prom photos. It’s a whole thing.”

“We’re not a couple,” Rey said, chuckling, as she shook her head at Paige.

Silence fell as all eyes bounced from Rey to Ben, and she felt him stiffen.

“I just mean, we’re all friends,” she said as she smiled brighter. “We’re all the best of friends. I love you guys.”

Ben hand fell from her neck, and the store’s AC swept across her bare shoulders as Ben stepped away.

“We love you too, Sunny,” Poe said as he took a step back, his eyes on Ben behind her.

Arms dropped as everyone backed away slowly.

“I just mean we’ll all be together. No need to worry, okay P?” Rey said, seeking Paige’s eyes as chairs were folded.

Ben walked to the far end of the store and ran a hand through his hair as Rey watched from behind.

“Ben?” she asked, walking towards him as plastic bags rustled.

“We’re not a couple,” he said, bewildered eyes meeting hers. “Really, Rey?”

“Uh oh,” Finn said quietly. “Mommy and Daddy are fighting.”

Rey spun around. “We are not. We’re not...Ben, come on. You know what I mean.”

“Do I? What did you mean?”

“I mean…” she said, looking around as her throat tightened, unable to continue.

Eyes cast down, their friends hurried to collect items, righting the store as they headed to the door.

“I gotta get going. Who’s coming in my car?” Finn asked.

“Thanks, Sunny,” Poe said, kissing her cheek as he went to shake hands with Ben. “You alright, man?” she heard him say, pulling Ben’s hand towards himself as they spoke in hushed tones.

“See you tomorrow. Call me,” Paige said as she hugged Rey goodbye.

“Sorry,” Rose said, hugging her.

“We’re not a couple,” Ben repeated, hands in his pockets as he looked out the storefront window once they’d left. He shook his head as Rey approached and met her eyes in the dark glass. His reflection was blurry, but his wounded look pierced her anyway. “So, what are we then, Rey?”

“We’re us,” she said, threading her arm through his where they stayed in his pockets.

“Uh huh. And what does that mean?”

“I don’t know. We’re...we’re...you know what we are.”

“Apparently, I don’t. That’s the problem, Sunshine. This whole time I think you’re my girlfriend and you think I’m what, your secret make-out buddy?”

“No. You’re my best friend. You’re my person. My...my…”

“I’m your boyfriend, Rey. How are we not clear about that?”

“Ben, we talked about this. I told you I wasn’t going to date, and you said you understood. Or, I thought you did,” she said, removing her arms from his.

He turned to face her and furrowed his brow.

“No, you said you needed time and I waited it out. And we were friends and now we’re more. Clearly, we’re more.”

“We are. We’re us.”

“You keep saying that, but I don’t think you and I are on the same page about what that means.”

“Well, what do you think it means?”

“I think we’re a couple,” he said, getting louder. “We’re together.”

“Yeah. We’re best friends. With benefits.”

“Best fr...are you fucking kidding me?”

He stomped towards the counter and shoved a chair, legs clattering as he wheeled around to face her.

“So, what? You hang all over other friends like this?”

“I do not hang on you! I’m sorry you’re so inconvenienced by my attention!”

“I’m not. You know I’m not, I love you, Rey. I’m just...I’m just confused.”

He ran frustrated hands through his hair again and looked at her wearily.

“Are we not together? Do you not love me?”

“I do. Ben, I do, I swear I do,” she said, coming closer as she extended a hand to him.

“You are my best friend on earth.”

Ben stared down at her as if he saw her for the first time and drew a breath.

“That’s what you think this is.”

“What’s wrong with that?” she howled, hands flailing. “Are you not my friend? Do you not care about me as a person? What, are you just trying to get into my pants or something?”

“I have enough friends,” he shouted. “I’m not looking for a friend. And, I sure as hell wasn’t in a relationship with you all this time thinking you don’t care about me the way I care about you.”

“Ben,” she said quietly, “I do. You know I do. Look at me.”

His eyes lifted slowly from the ground while his chest heaved slightly and Rey took his hand. Bringing it to her cheek, she looked up at him and smiled gently.

“You mean the world to me. You know that. Right?”

He met her eyes, doubt lingering behind the honey brown, and Rey wished away the hurt.

“You’re my girl. I’d do anything for you.”

He dragged his arms around her as Rey laid her cheek against his shirt and she rolled a button between her fingers. His heart thumped steadily under her cheek and his voice rumbled through her as he spoke.

“I’d stay if you asked me to. I already told my mom I only want to look at local colleges.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I don’t need to go somewhere far to play ball. I can stay close, figure something out.”

Rey looked up at his face. “Why would you tell her that?”

“Because you’re my girl, my - fuck it, my best friend if you want. My best friend with benefits.  Call it whatever the fuck you want. I don’t care.”

“No,” she said, pushing from his chest to see his face. “Why would you say that about school?”

“I just meant I could stay close. Do whatever. I don’t have to go to Brown or Yale like my parents want.”

“Brown or Yale.”

“Yeah. I don’t have to go there.”

“To rich kid school.”

His face screwed up as if she were speaking another language, and Rey headed to the back room.

“The fuck does that mean, ‘rich kid school?’” he asked, following her.

“I’m getting changed,” she said, grabbing her clothes to step into the single stall bathroom. “Can you unzip me?”

She lifted her loose hair, exposing the zipper to Ben while she stood facing the empty bathroom. Her cheeks burned as her stomach churned, gritting her teeth as she waited for release from the constricting dress.

“There’s no reason to even be fighting about this right now,” he said, dragging the zipper until it hit her ass. “We’ve got time to figure all this out.”

Stepping inside the stall, she closed the door without turning around and exhaled. She wrapped her arms around the bodice, holding it to her body with tension, and swallowed.

“You were always going to head off to rich boy school one way or another.”

She waited and stared at the exposed pipes above the stall, leaning her naked back against the cold metal door.

“I knew this would happen,” she said quietly. “We were never going to work, Ben. We were always going to be better as friends.”

“What? That’s not true.”

“It is. You were always gonna be able to walk away and stop slumming with me as soon as you saw some better life, and we both know it. I’m just saying it out loud.”

“The fuck are you talking about?! Slumming?!” he shouted, close to the door at her back. “You’ve literally never said any of this shit to me before, and you’re wrong, Rey. You’re straight up, one hundred percent fucking wrong!”

“I’m not, Ben. I’m not, and maybe it’s better to get it all out in the air now. Just admit it. You know I’m right.”

“The fuck I do!” he screamed.

Something solid hit the wall and fell with a clanging as Rey squeezed her eyes closed and tears ran down her cheeks as she leaned against the door. She sniffled as she heard him whimper and thrash.  
  
“So that’s it? You’ve been leading me on? All this time, you’re just what, using me?”

“What? No?! I wasn’t using you, I was protecting you!”

“Protecting me. From what?”

“From this,” she said to the empty bathroom. “This was always gonna happen. You were always going to go off to your fancy school and your fancy life and your rich friends and I was going to stay here.”

“I just said I’m not leaving! I don’t want to leave you, ever! You’re the one saying you’re not even my girlfriend!”

“Yeah? For how long, Ben? How long till you see I’m a weird, starving artist and you’re over it? Huh?”

“You’re not even giving me a fair chance to show you I’ll stick around, Rey! You’re fucking dismissing me before I even have a say in it!”

“I don’t just want you sticking around for me!” she said, swinging the door open wide as she held her dress against herself. He scowled as she yelled, riding the tide of panic and shame swelling high. “This won’t last. Love doesn’t last. It dies. Things die, Ben. They don’t last.”

“Then you’re a liar.”

Rey gulped and shrank, tears cascading in rivulets down her chin as his hard stare dissolved her where she stood. His crossed arms rocked over his heaving chest when he spoke.

“And a tease.”

She stared back while his glare concentrated, fierce and roiling behind midnight eyes.

“All those times you said ‘maybe.’ Just leading me on.”

“No, Ben. That’s not...I wasn’t. Wait…”

“Let me make this simple, Rey. Are you breaking up with me? Yes or no.”

“I am not breaking up with you. We are not together, so there is no breaking up.”

His fists clenched as he stared at her, jaw flexing in his cheek as he watched her. Turning on his heel he headed for the door, simmering rage beneath his concealed anger.

“Wait! Ben, wait! I’m sorry, just wait!”

He shook his head and peeled out of the parking lot far too fast, and when she’d pulled her clothes on again, she texted her dad to come get her.

When he agreed and said he was ten minutes out, it ended up being the only text she received the rest of the night.

 

*********

 

It felt like a lie pulling on the lavender tea-length dress for prom.

The generous skirt felt heavy, and the satin lining shockingly cold. She struggled to zip the bodice closed, avoiding herself in the mirror.

She hugged her dad goodbye alone before Poe showed up, and waited for his coughing fit to end before snapping a selfie with him.

“There she is,” Poe said as he helped her into the car. “Your chariot awaits, my lady.”

Paige and Rose sat crammed beside Finn in the backseat, and Rey stifled tears even while Poe winked and grinned at her as he pulled out of her complex. The five of them rode in near-silence as they crossed town to the waterfront, and Rey pressed her glossy lips together nervously as they approached.

“Ready?” Rose asked, as they stepped inside the decorated ballroom.

Rey balanced on strappy heels as she entered the hall, teetering with each step. She clutched her embroidered handbag tightly and glanced at the disco ball, eyes adjusting as the music pounded.

“It’s so loud!” she said to Finn who bobbed happily and headed to the dance floor with Paige immediately.

“Let’s go!” Poe said, tugging her hand.

She grabbed Rose at the last second and pulled her along, concentrating on staying upright.

She bounced experimentally as her eyes scanned the crowd.

When her gaze fell on Ben, her heart seized and all the blood in her body stood still.

Familiar hands on another girl’s hips, his pelvis crushed to her backside, Rey watched from across the dance floor as Ben and his date moved in time to the suggestive beat. One long arm held high in the air, he gyrated against her as his long, black hair swung wildly. Tux jacket flapping as he danced, his face pulled into a grimace, he yanked her by the hips against himself as Rey watched.

“Oh god,” Rose said, following Rey’s line of sight.

“Who is that?”

“Bazine Netal. She’s a junior.”

“It’s Ben. My Ben. It’s Ben.”

“I know,” Rose said, tugging her frozen arm. “Rey, come here. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Hux and Q’ira obscured her view of Ben’s date momentarily, sharing a laugh as they danced. Hux slapped Ben on the back and his date laughed out loud, head thrown back.

His hands wrapped around her middle as Rey watched them grind on on another, bouncing obscenely to the rhythm of the song.

“Shit,” Poe said, finding the source of Rey’s interest, and trying to get her attention. “Rey, come on, babe. Come over here.”

The song slowed and Ben’s hands left his date, and his cheerful face melted to sorrow as his eyes met Rey’s across the floor.

A hundred people separated them as the dance floor’s lights strobed. Ben’s pitch black eyes drilled through hers until the song changed, and she ran to the parking lot faster when she heard his voice behind her.

 

*******

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	4. Junior Year, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Hang on, bb's. It's always darkest just before dawn.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my betas for this mess, my girl [@jyn-mojito](https://jyn-mojito.tumblr.com/), and my ride-or-die [@newerconstellations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewerConstellations/pseuds/NewerConstellations)

  
  
  
 

**Chapter 4**

**Junior Year, Part 1**

 

  
  
**********

 

“Hey, peanut. How you doin’?” Finn said.

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah? Whatcha been up to this week? I haven’t seen you at all.”

“Oh, ya know. Work. Portfolio. The usual.”

“Hmm. Okay. I just wanted to check on you because, ya know.”

“I’m fine, Finn. Really. Just busy.”

“Because, if you weren’t fine, I still have the rest of that Double Chocolate Chip in my freezer we didn’t finish, and the second half of Golden Girls we can marathon.”

“Thanks. Honestly, working is really good for me right now. I’m fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Well, how ‘bout we go dancing this weekend? Or to Orlando for the day next week? Get in some time at the Mouse House. What do you say? Want me to round up the twins and Poe?”

 “Mmm, I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m not really trying to spend money right now.”

 “Okay, well, how ‘bout we go to the beach? Soak up some rays, splash in the surf? What’s on your agenda Sunday?”

 “Um, I don’t know. I’m trying to get in all the hours at the Castle I can right now. Summer art classes start at the college in like three weeks, so I’m trying to work as much as possible.”

 “Rey,” he sighed. “I know you’ve got to still be broken up about what happened.”

 

_Silence._

 

“I just want you to know that if you want to talk or scream or hell, I don’t know, if you want to egg his house I’ll help. Shit, I’ll buy the eggs." 

“Thanks,” she said. The sadness dragged the words in single file from her mouth as she twirled the graphite pencil between her fingers. “I don’t want to egg his house. I just want to forget, mostly.”

“Huh,” he said, thoughtfully. “That...that doesn’t sound possible. Or healthy…”

“Yeah well, I don’t know any other way. I just...I gotta do what I gotta do. Hey, thank you for calling me, Finn. I appreciate it. I’ll see you later, alright?”

“Sure. No problem. And hey, Rey,” he said, “will you at least tell me if you need anything?”

 

_I need Ben._

 

“Of course I will. Thanks,” she said around the lump in her throat.

“Sure thing, peanut,” he said before hanging up.

 

A jogger hustled past the storefront, headphones pumping with the pace as she whizzed by, and Rey tracked her graceful movements until she disappeared.

 

_Running._

Running took her right back to the night of prom. 

……..“Rey!” Ben yelled. Fear, anger, panic, it all rang through his tone across the parking lot, jolting Rey in its unfamiliarity. “Stop!”

 

She fumbled with the embroidered bag swaying from her wrist as she caught her breath. Tears blurred her eyes, frustrating her as it pinched tightly around her pulse point.

There was no escape.

Poe had driven, and there was nowhere for her to find refuge under the blazing parking lot lights. Fury and humiliation flooded as she panted.

She turned abruptly as his footsteps approached, trapped as tears ran through her makeup under the glaring light.

 “What, Ben?!” she spit, chest bowing furiously at him as he slowed.

 

His elbows straightened, shoulders dropping as he stopped ten feet away. The lights overhead lit his hair to light brown and he looked at her with pleading eyes. The bags beneath them tried to gain her sympathy.

 

“What?!” she screamed again, angrily wiping away tears.

 “Just...just stop running.”

 

She turned away fully when he took a step closer, chin tucked to her chest. A hot breeze blew and drew her arms tightly despite the humidity.

“You’re always running away from me.”

A sob caught in her chest at the accusation.

 

His hands found her biceps, and she flinched. He tightened his grip and Rey fought the desperate drive to sink back.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Rey, I’m sorry, alright? I’m...I’m…”

“Don’t,” she said as a tear landed on her skirt, darkening the pale purple as the moisture spread through the raw silk. “Just don’t,” she said, shrugging away.

 

His hands fell as she stepped away, dropping her arms.

She knew his hands too well.

She’d drawn them, held them and just watched them on another girl.

 

“Can you just..can we just talk? Can you look at me?”

She held still as he came closer. He touched her hand where it hung listlessly, and she felt his fingers twisting between hers.

 

He’d held her hand this way.

Cradled her kitten, tugged her braids.

She swallowed as her throat ached painfully and blinked up at the glittering stars.

 

Voices of other kids floated by as the doors to the auditorium they’d left behind opened and closed, heavy bass beat fading as the doors slammed.

“Rey, look at me,” he said, squeezing her fingers.

  
“I can’t keep doing this, having this same fight over and over. It hurts too much...not after that. What I saw. In there. I can’t.”

“I’m sorry. Alright? I’m sorry for everything. That,” he said, growing closer as he neared, “was nothing. It’s nothing. She’s nothing. I love you, baby. Please."

“Ben!” a girl’s voice called, heels snapping as she hurried behind them. “We’re leaving!"

“In a minute,” he called before lowering his voice and leaning into Rey. His fingers tightened as a warm palm landed on her bare shoulder. She closed her eyes and instead of turning, memorized his touch.

“Please,” he whispered, closer as Rey’s head tilted to find his shoulder. His arms wound around her middle as she surrendered. “I’m sorry. I miss you. Let’s figure this out. I love you. Please.”

“I can’t,” she croaked. He squeezed her breathless as she felt tears run fresh down her cheek. She was so tired of crying. 

“Come with me.” 

His lips brushed her ear as he came close, tugging her against his chest. Her knees melted until she turned in his arms and he kissed her. Her arms wound around his neck instinctively, purse falling against his tux jacket as he tugged her close and he moaned against her lips. When her mouth opened to his tongue she breathed in an unfamiliar aroma.

He tasted different.

 

“Is...have you...been drinking?” she asked, pulling away. Her arms left his shoulders as he frowned, and she stepped backwards.

“No,” he said, stepping towards Rey as she backed away further.

“Alright, yeah,” he said, extending a hand to her. “A couple beers with Hux. Before the dance. It’s nothing.”

 

_Hux. Of course._

“It’s not nothing, Ben!”

She walked further as she spun to gain distance between them.

 

“What do you want me to say? I’m pissed, alright? I’m bummed. I’m a goddamn mess. You think this has been fun for me the last two weeks? After you fucking stomped on my heart? I just wanted to stop feeling for a minute!”

“I’m not gonna talk to you like this. This isn’t you.”

“Running from me. You’re always running from me like I’m some sort of monster.”

“You’re not…” she said, huffing a breath, “you’re my best...” she said. She peered into his eyes as he stepped in front of her, lit by lamp light. His pupils were bottomless, expanded black holes of hurt. “You’re not yourself right now.”

“I’ll be whatever you want. Just please. Rey. Come on,” he said, reaching with one hand to touch her crossed arms.

“I can’t.”

His jaw flexed as he sighed, hands running through his goddamn perfect hair before folding in a knot over his tuxedo lapels. His stance widened and he peered down at Rey as she looked away.

“Please. Reyanna, please. Just come with me. Come be with me. Talk to me.”

“I...I can’t. Ben, I just can’t do this again.”

 

She pushed his arms away, stepping further. Her hands wound around the lamp post as her forehead leaned against the cold metal.

 

“You won’t even look at me. You won’t even give me a chance. You’re supposed to be my best friend,” he said louder. “And you won’t even look at me.”

His eyes pooled with regret and hurt when she met them, hands braced on the cool pillar for support.

 

“You can do what you want. I’m not gonna stop you, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch it with my own eyes, either.”

“Rey, please,” he said, frustration bleeding into his voice, “just come with me.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “It’s better this way. We’re just friends and that’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re...you’re free to go.”

 

He shook his head at her slowly before turning a circle as his dark eyes searched the stars. Dropping his arms, he faced her.

“I don’t want to be free. I just wanted to be with you. And you know it.”.......

She sat there too long, phone to her ear as she watched a single car pass the glass windows of the shop before the door jingled, shaking her from her reverie.

 

*********

 

“That you, kiddo?”

 

Dropping her keys onto the hook beside the door, she slammed hard to make sure it stuck this time, twisting the deadbolt.

“Yeah, dad. It’s me.”

 

Lambchop dropped from the countertop gracefully as Rey entered, a grey ghost purring her evening greeting while Rey shuffled to the pantry for cat food.

She kicked her sandals off beside the rickety kitchen table and rubbed the kitten’s head as she nosed the food, running a hand along her spine as her father ended a coughing fit.

 

“You alright?” she asked as he joined her at the table. He brought a pot of macaroni and cheese over, and handed Rey a bowl as he waved her concern away.

“Fine, I’m fine. How’s work today?”

“Good.” She tucked into the creamy noodles hungrily, mashing a tangy clump of yellow cheese with her tongue.

“Anything new?”

Shrugging, she poured a drink for herself, handing one to her father before taking another bite.

 

“That much, huh?” Chewie said as Rey scooted her spoon between the macaroni.

“Nothing’s new. Shop’s quiet.”

 

Silence fell as they ate until Lambchop jumped onto the table to inspect their dinner, too, and Rey dropped her to the floor with a correction.

 

“Getting your project ready for art class while you sit at the Castle, then?”

“Mmhmm.” Her spoon twirled figure eights in the sauce between the noodles.

“Must be coming along well, since you’ve had three weeks of summer to be working on it.”

“Mmhmm.”

“So, it’s probably getting close to done, I’ll bet. Whatever it is.”

“Mmhmm. Yep.”

“Not that I know what it is, of course, since you won’t tell me about it or let me see.”

“Mmhmm.”

“So...are you? Done? Or not?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Mmhmm-what?”

 “Mmhmm.”

  _“Reyanna.”_

 “Yes?” she said, meeting his eyes.

“I said is your drawing done?”

 

She focused on his face moving until his words made sense. 

“Your art. The drawing? Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

  
She sighed and put the spoon down, leaning elbows on the table as she tugged her braid over her shoulder.

“Sorry. I’m tired, I guess.”

“Tired,” Chewie repeated, narrowing his eyes as he studied her. He took a bite of mac and cheese and swallowed before tilting the bottle to empty his beer and Rey watched as he set it on the table. “That’s it, huh? Tired?”

 

She nodded and looked into the bowl, hoping happiness might be under the next scoop so she could swallow it down and feel whatever it was she needed seep into her belly and fill her up.

“Seems like more than tiredness to me.”

 

She shrugged and took a small bite, forcing it down as she reached for the water.

“Because I’ve seen you carry a full load of honors classes, work twenty hours a week and still have time to go with friends to Ben’s games without ever complaining about being tired.”

 

Tears blurred her eyes as she set down the glass, and it tipped and spilled noisily over the table. The water spread instantly, soaking the napkins and pouring off the edges, dripping onto the linoleum as Chewie’s chair scraped while he moved to stand.

Rey sniffled as she hurried to mop it up, but her father gently pushed her chair aside with her inside it, leaning over to help.

 

“I got it,” he said, wasting half a roll of paper towels to sop up the water. Rey watched helplessly as silent tears rolled and her father cleaned up her mess. 

“What’s a matter, honey?” he asked as he sat down heavily again, facing Rey. “Can’t ya tell me?”

Rey looked at him bleary-eyed and sniffled, wiping tears beneath her glasses as she met his eyes.

“Cause it’s not like you to be blue. Not like this, not my sunshine...my only sunshine…” he sang. His eyes sparkled hopefully as his moustache twitched, the baritone melody filling their small kitchen. Rey smiled weakly and sniffed again.

“You make me happy when skies are grey…” he continued. 

Fresh tears coursed down Rey’s cheeks at his sympathy and she folded her arms over the tabletop and laid her head on them. Her cries cascaded over the formica as her father’s huge hand landed at the back of her head gently and he sang while she wept.

 

“...you’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away." 

His voice hung in the air as Rey cried and he patted her braids.

Tears dripped off her nose and chin and she made no attempt to stop them, reveling in the pain.  She wished again for the mama whose apron she’d cried into, who would rebraid her hair with a smile once she was calm. 

“I lied. I haven’t been drawing. Not at all,” she said finally, lifting her head slightly to remove her glasses and mop her face before sitting up. Her nose felt swollen and her lashes clung together. “I’m sorry." 

“Inspiration comes and goes. You gotta follow your muse, kiddo. Go with the flow.”

“It’s not just that,” she said, shaking her head. “I blew it, dad. I made a huge mess and there’s no way out.”  
  
“Rey, I promise. Whatever you’re blue about, maybe I can help?” 

“No, daddy. You can’t. No one can.”

“You sure? I’m a pretty good fixer.” 

“I’m sure. It’s...it’s unfixable.”

“Aw, honey,” he said, eyes unbearably soft. Rey looked away and pulled knees to her chest. Wrapping her arms around them, her chin landed atop and she sighed. “Is it that bad?”

She nodded and barely noticed when Lambchop hopped onto the table again.

“You’re not...pregnant. Are you?” he asked, eyebrows raised carefully.

“Dad! No!”

“Alright, I’m just asking. Jesus,” he said, a hand sliding down his face.

“I ended things with Ben,” she said, inhaling deeply as the anvil slid off her lungs. She chipped nail polish away as she avoided her father’s eyes.

“You did,” he confirmed. “Don’t seem too happy about it.”

“M’not,” she said, twisting in the chair, hot and annoyed.

“Do you feel...good? Free?”

“No,” she sulked.

“Guilty?”

“No.”

“Sad?”

“I feel conflicted!”

“Alright,” he said, holding hands aloft in surrender. “I get it, I get it. Sensitive information, do not pry. I get it."

“I’m sorry, I just…” she swung out of the chair and paced the small kitchen, ignoring the kitten who scurried away. “I’m just so frustrated.”

 

Chewie nodded and listened, leaning back in the tiny spindle chair too small for his massive frame.

“I just wanted what was best for him. Ya know? And what was best for me. For both of us. And he made me feel like shit about it." 

“That’s normal when someone breaks up with you.”

“I didn’t break up with him. I just did what needed to be done.”

 

Chewie hummed thoughtfully and moved to the sink, taking their bowls.

“And what do _you_ need, hmm, daughter? Can you tell me that?”

 Rey blinked at him and stopped pacing, hands landing on the back of the chair.

“Ya know, some people would say frustration is just another word for anger,” he continued. “Sounds to me like you were angry, and Ben was an easy target.”

 

Rey’s eyes flashed to her dad’s at the accusation.

 

“I’m just saying,” he continued, scrubbing a dish, “we hurt the ones we love the most. They’re the most available.”

 “No,” she said, brow furrowing as she moved closer to her father. “I wasn’t mad at Ben! Well, I wasn’t before prom, but that was just a terrible, awful night, and I have every right to be mad at him for that, but I wasn’t mad at him before.”

“You sure?” His hands submerged beneath the suds in the sink he’d filled as Rey pondered his words and watched, nodding.

“Because you are your mama made over, Reyanna Merridee, I’ll tell you that much, and she was a pistol, that woman. Sweet as a summer day and fiery as one, too. And I loved that about her. I love it about you both.”

“No, I wasn’t angry at Ben,” she said, hypnotized by the methodical soaping of plates. “I was mad, but...not at him. I don’t _what_ I was mad at.”  
  
Her head landed on her father’s shoulder while he dried dishes, never skipping a beat and she rolled her forehead as she whined.

 

“I wanted to push him away.”

Rinsed plates neatly stacked, her father faced her as he toweled off his hands. “Well, why on earth would you do that?”

 

Rey searched his kind, blue eyes and looked away as shame filled her with regret and sadness threatened to emerge from the confused thoughts.

“Listen,” Chewie said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “I’m not trying to throw you to some teenage boy. I’m fine with you being single. Shoot, I _prefer_ it, don’t get me wrong. Ben’s a nice boy, and I was glad you had him in your life, but he’s not the only nice boy out there. Plenty of fish in the nice boy sea, and all that.”

He tugged Rey’s shoulders and her head wobbled as she stared at the floor.

“One day, this will all get figured out. All the feelings and the hormones, I promise, honey, it’ll all get worked out. And then one day you’ll meet a nice, young man and you’ll have a long, wonderful life together. All this will be just a path that got you there. And if that young man at the end of that path is Ben, wonderful. And if it’s not, that’s wonderful, too.”

 

Something hard twisted, reshuffling her heart uncomfortably at the way he’d misunderstood her heartache. She shrugged his arm off slightly as he planted a kiss at her forehead and stepped away.

“It’ll be okay, Rey,” he said as her brow scrunched in renewed discomfort as he walked to the recliner. “You’re so young. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure this out.”

 

********

 

No one in their right mind would resell her prom dress in its current state, not even Maz.

She felt the warped fabric gingerly as she straightened the skirt, tracing the edge as she hung the hanger inside her closet.

The salty waves had ruined the raw silk when she’d waded in that night.

 

Even if she’d only meant to dip her toes and then splash her bare ankles, the rogue waves jumping to her knees were enough to have ruined the material for good.

 

_Ruined._

….The sun was long set. Inky waves rolled far out in the Gulf as Rey walked along the shoreline with Rose. Arms entwined, they breathed in the watery scent of low tide as they crushed thin shells under bare feet.

 

“Rose! Rey!”

Finn called from the towels beside the tall seagrass. Voices drifted as Rose turned to head back to the home base of discarded heels and metallic handbags.

“Coming?” Rose asked as she trudged up the sloping sand.

“In a minute,” Rey said. “Be right there.”

“K.”

Rey’s feet sunk into the fine, cool sand in the moonlight, shifting like uneven pavement with every step until finally hitting packed ground as she approached the water.  

The silver crescent moon hung suspended like a disco ball shimmering shards over the black water, and the white lace edges of lazy waves licked at her toes.

Ankles, shins, knees. She lifted her skirt as she waded in, finally dropping her hands. The pale purple fabric spread out as the water bled through inch by inch.

 

Her friends’ laughter bubbled towards her, but Ben’s voice was the one trapped inside her head.

 

_Come with me._

_I’m sorry._

_I love you._

 

In water to her waist, lavender skirt billowing, she rocked in the tide.

Finally, she laid back to float, long hair fanning in the water as her feet left the Gulf floor.

The stars above blurred in the night sky. Her arms stretched out, a starfish girl. Tears slid past her earring into the saltwater.

 

The ocean sound filled her ears as she drifted in a sea of grief…..

 

********

 

Huffing, she erased the lines of the sketch again, rubbing the paper thin as she brushed over it. This was pointless, but she had to push through.

She’d always expressed herself through art, but everything was such a tangle of emotions lately. Nothing would stay pinned long enough to capture on paper.

The pencil see-sawed between her fingers, a metronome for her thoughts.

 

_Drawing._

 

...She’d last doodled three weeks earlier while she daydreamed during the English final. Seated in the school library, disoriented with a new location, the class sat staggered at large tables around the huge hall as they took the last test on the final day of school.

Most students had left campus already. Poe and Finn weren’t around, and she was planning on seeing the Tico sisters for lunch at The Buttery after the test.

 

If she’d been seated elsewhere, maybe he wouldn’t be so distracting.

His long, dark hair obscured his face as he hunched over the paper, scribbling quickly. Broad shoulders strained under his collared shirt, thick, pale muscle twitching as he wrote. She could see the tendons in his forearms move even from here, even with so much space between them.

 

As if he felt her gaze, his head jerked up and he met her eyes, holding her stare from across the library. If she looked down too fast, he might think he’d been mistaken. If she looked into his eyes for too long she might drop her pencil and walk to him.

Her heart quickened in her chest as his Adam’s apple bobbed and she blinked down at her test, wishes scattering like confetti, short-circuiting her thoughts.

 

_Ben._

The test scrambled under her eyes and she panicked as she tried to find her place.

_Focus._

When she lifted her eyes from the paper again, redirected and resolute, he was hiking his backpack onto his shoulder as he slipped his test atop the pile at the proctor’s desk. She watched as he opened the library door, stepping through in one motion, and listened to it slam closed loudly as he walked away.

 

*******

 

“I’m making dinner tonight,” Rey announced as she dropped three plastic bags onto the countertop. “No more processed cheese products for you this week, daddy-o.”

Chewie chuckled as he flipped to the sports page.

“Baked falafel and chickpea bowls,” she said, unpacking groceries.

“Gesundheit,” her father said absently.

“Hey, dad,” she said, opening a can of garbanzo beans, “remember that thing you said the other night?”

“Which thing?”

“About how maybe I was angry about something?”

  
Rey poured the can into a colander as her dad stayed silent.

“Well, it reminded me of something Ben said. On prom night.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah. It was almost a month ago, but it’s still tumbling through my head like the dryer.”

 

Chewie stayed quiet behind her, so she went on.  
  
“He was mad at me that night. And sad. And I was mad at him, too. We weren’t trying to hurt each other, but it was like we just couldn’t stop. It was literally the worst night ever.”

She ran the faucet into the colander, rinsing the beans, remembering the dark parking lot and the hurtful words.  
  
“I think Ben knew I was mad, too. He said…” she began, reaching for the phone as it rang, “hang on a sec. Hello?”

 

“Rey,” Poe said hurriedly. He panted into the mouthpiece as Rey’s heart froze. “I need you to come to the hospital. Right now. Ben’s hurt. Come fast.”

 

“Oh my God, Poe! Is he alright? Is Ben alright?!”  
  
“I don’t know, I just got a call from his mom and she said to get here and they won’t let me see him, but I think he’s busted up pretty bad.”  
  
“He’s hurt? Ben’s hurt?!”

 

“Ben’s hurt?” Chewie repeated as Rey turned her back to him and pressed a hand over her ear to drown anything but Poe’s panicked voice.

“He was on a flight with his dad to Miami to go see a game and they crashed somewhere near Naples and he’s here in the ER. He’s with the doctors. I don’t know anything else, just get here as fast as you can.”

“Oh my god,” she said, breath catching as she clung to the countertop, eyes squeezing shut. “I’m coming. I’ll be right there, I’m on my way.”

She hung up before another word was spoken and flew to the door, Chewie hot on her heels.

“Drive, dad. Drive fast.”

 

*******

 

“Open your eyes and I’ll buy you a lollipop.” 

She laced her fingers through his and laid her head against his thigh, staring at his sleeping face. Never had she been granted so many hours to study him. She’d never need a sitting again to draw him well after this.  
  
His hair fell atop the bandage taped over half his face. She’d never seen so much stubble on his chin and upper lip before. Maybe it would scratch if he climbed on top of her and kissed his way down her neck again.

 

His eyes were closed, restless beneath pale lids, and Rey reached up to touch his earlobe, his eyebrow, his nose. She knew this face by heart, but she missed the way he looked at her.

 

“Open your eyes and I’ll sing you a song. I know how you love my singing voice,” she teased.

She squeezed one finger at a time, limp between her own as the room hummed with machines. Ben’s chest rose and fell methodically, finally working without a ventilator again, and his eyes rolled beneath his closed lids.

 

Four days she’d offered him rewards to wake up. She’d narrated his favorite show, put Chapstick on his lips, threatened to paint his nails, cried into his shoulder.

“Ben. Open your eyes, baby. Look at me,” she whispered, barely audible as she rested her chin on the mattress beside his leg. She blinked over the swell of his blanketed chest as it rose and fell quietly and kissed his hand when she realized again he wouldn’t.  
  
  
If Ben would wake up, she’d listen better this time.

She’d let him scream and yell and blame her if he wanted. If he’d just come back to her, open his eyes and say her name they could go back to how it was before.

 

Before the final.

Before prom.

Before the Castle.

 

She’d never wanted to take something back more in her life.

 

“What are you dreaming about? Hmm? Basketball? A little one-on-one, hot shot?”

Smiling, she sighed and faced the white ceiling tiles for the hundredth time, listening to the beeps and buzzing around his bed. The nurse slid the glass doors apart and poked her head in.

 

“Five minutes till rounds, sweetie,” she said kindly, grey bob swinging cheerfully as she warned Rey.

“K. Thanks, Charla.”

“I gotta go in a minute,” she told Ben, propping her elbow beside his hip under the white, waffle weave blanket. “I have to feed Lamby, anyhow. And take a shower,” she said, stretching.

“Open your eyes and I’ll let you touch my boobs,” she whispered, watching his face intently as she concentrated on any movement his fingers might make in her hand.

 

She gazed at him quietly while he lay unmoving, daring him.

Reaching to trace the bandage over his face, she brushed his stubborn hair away again, letting her fingertips touch his dry lips.

She bent at the waist, kissing him gently before laying her forehead against his and whispering her goodbye into his ear.

 

“I love you. Wake up. Please wake up for me, Ben. I miss you so much.”

 

Pulling back she tucked his hair behind an ear and squeezed his hand again before placing it beside his hip.

 

“I’ll be back. Promise.”

He hadn’t moved when she slid the glass doors together after she exited, and she looked only one more moment before heading to the elevator. If she hurried, she could get home, shower, change clothes and bring her notebook back. She’d still have an hour to sketch before visitation was over for the night.

She’d barely slept in four days.

In between sitting at Ben’s bedside, crying with his mother, Leia in the family sitting room as she planned her husband’s funeral, texting Poe, Finn, Rose and Paige updates on Ben’s improvement, and checking on her father, Rey barely had a chance to stop moving since dinnertime Friday when Poe called.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she glanced at the clock behind the nurse’s station desk when she returned an hour and a half later. Charla, the nurse was leaving Ben’s room when Rey appeared, and her face pulled into a frown as Rey approached.

The nurse’s hand on the door stilled Rey from entering.

 

“How is he?”

“He woke up, sweetie.”

“He’s awake?!” Rey cried. “Ben’s awake? Are you serious?!” She stood on tiptoes to see over the nurse’s head and moved to walk around her before the nurse held up a hand to give her pause.

“Yes, he’s awake, but honey, he’s very, very weak. He’s not himself right now. He’s had a shock and he’s having a hard time. Maybe you ought to go home and come back tomorrow.”

“What? No! I want to see him! Please let me see him! I have to see him!”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, hon,” the nurse said, holding the door closed. 

“Yes! I have to see him! Please! I have to! He’s my boyfriend, please! Just five minutes! Please! Please!" 

“Alright,” Charla said, holding a hand up. “Alright. Calm down. Let me go in first. I’ll see if he’s up for it. You wait here.”

“Okay,” Rey said, catching her breath. “Thank you.”

The nurse nodded and looked at Rey warily, stepping inside the quiet room before closing the door. Rey stepped closer and cracked the door to listen, barely willing to wait another moment.

“Ben,” the nurse said gently. “You have a visitor.”

“What?” he croaked, so quietly Rey barely made out his word.

 

_Ben!_

 

“You have a visitor. A young lady.”

“Who?" 

“Your girlfriend, hon. She’s here and asking for you. Would that be alright?”

 

Rey held her breath and opened the door wider, one foot lifting to enter the room as she waited to hear his voice again.

 She was going to see his eyes again. They’d be open.  
Chocolate brown and full of her dreams, she’d get to look at him the way she hadn’t in weeks, and he’d let her. She knew he would.

This bad dream would end. He’d speak and it would all be mended.

He would live and so would she.

 

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

 

Rey’s mouth fell open in silent argument.

 

“Are you sure?” Charla said as Rey yanked her hand back as if touched by a flame.

  
Dazed, her feet carried her from the door as a sob climbed her throat.

 

_He doesn’t want me._

 

She turned from Charla’s gaze when she emerged from Ben’s room and tripped towards the elevators. She walked home slowly, stunned and quiet and realized her sketchbook had been forgotten at the hospital once she slid against the apartment door.

If she slept that night, she couldn’t remember. Motionless, she watched from bed as the sun past her blinds crept high in the summer sky, numb to the chipper day beginning.

Somewhere across town Ben was awake, alive and intact, but Rey had never felt so shattered.

 

********

 

“So, here’s what we’re going to be working on the next four weeks,” Ms. Shaakti said as she held up a wide roll of tightly wrapped paper.

 

“On the table at the front of the room you will find a roll of bleached butcher block paper, taped closed and ready to go. Unroll it a bit at a time.”

Everyone watched her with rapt attention. Locs piled high beneath a batik headwrap, her dark eyes gleamed at the class as she rapped on a table.

Twenty-seven summer art class students leapt from the long tables and moved to obey as she narrated while weaving through the room.

 

“This is what you’ll be working on this summer to earn your credit. This is a timeline piece. When we unroll it, we should be able to visualize your time this summer on one long, uninterrupted piece of paper. Each roll is twenty feet long, and will take four weeks to complete.”

 

Rey took a smooth roll from the table, cradling it in her arms as she walked to her seat.

Its weight anchored her to the floor as she moved, the immensity of unblemished parchment in her hands sparking imagination.

 

“You can use any medium you want,” the teacher continued. “Oils, pencils, paints, mixed media, even pottery. Use creative license. Knock my socks off.”

 

People nearby began breaking the seal and Rey ran her hands over the perfect roll again. Creamy paper wrapped tightly, one small piece of tape securing it closed, it would never be this pristine again.

This was a delicious invitation to mess up, do her worst.

“At the end of the summer, you’ll have twenty feet of art to display for the show we will open to the public.”

 

Rey blinked at her neighbors as they began to unroll the thick scrolls, hands still in her lap.

 “Feel free to move around the room,” Ms. Shaakti said. “You’ll need to unfurl your rolls and give them time to breathe as you decide how to create your vision for your piece.”

 

Everywhere around her, people were standing as Rey pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, and listened to the teacher answer questions.

When she unrolled the endless paper, mesmerized as it spun to the far wall lazily, she hesitated. All around her, students started gathering supplies.

 

“Whatever’s in here,” Mrs. Shaakti said, as she pointed to Rey’s head as she walked by, “and in here,” she said, placing a hand over her heart.  “That’s what goes on there.” She pointed to the butcher block paper and raised her eyebrows before walking away.

 

Overwhelmed, she gulped and blinked down at the paper.

Gleaming void awaited Rey as she gaped at the assignment, miles of empty summer days staring up at her from the floor.

 

Vacant.

 

********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	5. Junior Year, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BONUS CHAPTER,** _Junior Year, Part 3_ drops Friday, November 23, 2018
> 
> **Ben. Comes. Back.**
> 
> { _Senior Year, Part 1 of 4_ drops Wed, Nov 28}

  


 

**Chapter 5**

**Junior Year, Part 2**

  
******

Rey gulped and put the phone away as she stared motionless out the Castle’s front window at summer’s oppressive cheer.

He was discharged from the hospital, Poe had texted.

 

 _Ben’s coming home._ _  
_ _And burying his dad._

 

It wasn’t easy with him anymore, and it used to be so easy.

It used to be she could hand him a stick of gum and he’d nibble from her fingers, pretend to bite them and tickle her ribs till she dissolved.

She could burrow into him as they walked the breezeways between classes, warm despite the momentary coldsnap of a spring morning, pulled tight under his heavy arm.

He used to throw her over his shoulder and run across the empty football field in the dark while she squealed or carry her on his back across the sand.

 

She was used to being his pillow, his armrest, his playmate, his cheerleader.

That was all over.

 

The funeral was in four days. Poe was picking her up at eleven, and she was desperately grateful her friends would be beside her.

Humidity shrouded the whole town like a damp towel.

Her armpits stuck together and she felt sleepy. The AC ran too warm and Maz waited three days to call for freon.  Rey wilted, tacky and annoyed, fanning herself with muggy air.

 

She eyed the black polyester shift with the Peter Pan collar. When it had come into the shop, wrinkled inside a trash bag of consignable clothes, Rey had considered putting it aside. It was just the sort of thing she’d have worn on a date.

She’d tried it on once, hands shaking as she’d zipped up the back. She’d fantasized Ben’s hand at her lower back, walking into an opera house beside him, a fancy cafe, a Manhattan taxi.  
  
Now, leaving a twenty for Maz and draping the dress over her arm, she was in mourning. Ben’s father was about to be buried, and she had a black dress to wear for him.

 

*********

 

Ben stood towering between his mother and a man Rey didn’t know, maybe an uncle, and solemnly shook hands as the line snaked slowly.

A red riverbed scar sliced across his cheek, eyebrow to collar. His eyes looked dry and distant, familiar lips murmuring thanks to the adults who offered condolences.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Rey whispered to Finn as she clutched his elbow, fighting down panic.

 

“You can,” he whispered back, “you got this.”

Sweat gathered inside the stiff dress as she took a step forward.

 

 _Three people away_.

 Ben’s voice carried as he spoke to the grownup who patted his shoulder. Rey’s throat clenched up.

 _Two people away_.

 

“Finn,” she hissed nervously, gripping his elbow inside his button-down shirt.

 

“Sorry for your loss,” Finn said to the man beside Ben as Rey inched behind him, hand curved around Finn’s arm. She risked a look at Ben.

 

Ben’s eyes flew to Finn, then to Rey beside him.

His glazed stare at her was from a million miles away, a stranger. Her Ben was nowhere to be found behind those eyes.  He whispered to his mother before leaving the line.

Out a side door and gone before she was within arm’s reach, Rey watched on tiptoes until he was gone and the door clicked as he pulled it closed.

 

“Reyanna,” Leia said, tugging her close for a hug.

Four days they’d sat and cried together, sharing details instead of backstory, listening together as doctors gave updates on Ben.

There was too much to say now, and not enough words to explain how she could love Ben and be the person he turned away from, and luckily Leia didn’t ask for explanation.

 

“I wish I could have met him,” Rey said quietly of Ben’s father.

“He would’ve liked you very much, dear,” Leia said.

“I’m so sorry. For everything.”

After the funeral, she sat in Poe’s car stubbornly, watching her friends climb the brick steps to Ben’s house and disappear inside. The temperature in the stuffy car soared as the afternoon sun poured in, and Rey’s cheeks flamed as loose hair stuck to her face.

Frustration at the stifling summer heat, hurt from Ben’s distant rejection at the funeral home, agitation she wouldn’t be able to mend these wounds today tumbled through her until she groaned aloud.

She’d have to go in.

 _Damn it._  

Slamming the car door angrily, she stomped to the front door miserably, overheated and emotional.

She calmed slightly as the chilly foyer engulfed her, and relaxed further when she heard Leia inform a guest Ben wasn’t even on the property.

 

It was a bizarre relief to be in his house without Ben, but it was easier than watching him turn away from her again.

The black dress smelled like sweat and formality when she sniffed it the next day and she balled it into the bottom of the kitchen trash.

*********

 

“And how is this coming?” Ms. Shaakti asked, peering over Rey’s head to the piece stretched over the table. White paper hung over the edge as Rey sketched.

 

She didn’t need Ben’s hands as a model to draw them. She knew them by heart.

The crushed flower petals that cascaded between his fingers were darker than she’d intended, but maybe that was okay.

  
“Interesting.”

Rey leaned back in her chair as her teacher hummed thoughtfully.

She walked away to survey other people’s work and Rey studied her piece, twirling the pencil between her fingers.

 

“You need some contrast." 

Rey looked up to see a slim boy with a charcoal pencil behind his ear. His faded Nirvana t-shirt hung loose from his frame, angular face obscured under blonde curls that hung over one eye. A Celtic symbol swung at the end of a thick, silver chain around his neck, and black, plastic bracelets lined his lean wrists.

“Ya think?” she asked. 

Rey looked down at her work critically. She’d sketched and erased this foot of paper several times, and she wasn’t satisfied yet, either. He must know a thing or two about art.

“Yeah. Look at mine.” He held up his piece for Rey proudly, narrating as he negotiated the long butcher block paper roll. 

“See here?” he said, pointing to the swarms of detailed, hand drawn dragons that covered the paper “Contrast. Shading. It’s how you make the scenes pop. Adds dimension. Creates visual interest unlike what you’ve got there.”

Rey blanched and looked at her work, elementary compared to the blonde boy’s more mature piece. Her penciling looked thin and she silently agreed with him. 

“No offense,” he said as Rey looked up again. 

“None taken.” Rey offered a hand across the table with eyebrows arching, mildly amused at his candor. “I’m Rey Sunshine.”

She was used to getting the name conversation out of the way on the front end, gave everyone time to make a crack.

“Cool,” he said, tossing blonde curls from his clear blue eyes as he shook her hand hard, bones twisting as he squeezed. “Fett.” 

“I like your linework,” she said, leaning in as she touched the edge of the scroll.

“I’m into fantasy,” he shrugged, picking up another pencil. “Not so much the whole realism thing,” he gestured to her piece as she blushed slightly, embarrassed of her amateur work as she studied his technique.

“Yeah. Reality sucks,” Rey said as she looked at her own piece, uninspired as her lonely, stagnant summer.

“Reality sucks,” he agreed as curls fell over his eye, pencil scrawling across the paper under his hand. He drew in huge swoops, large shapes flowing like waves across the long paper.

*******

“Welcome to the Castle, girls,” Maz said as she greeted customers from the front of the shop.

Rey dug through a plastic bag of consigned clothes as she sorted, eyeing a smelly pair of high tops as she held them up to the light.

“What are you gonna wear?”

 The voice was a familiar one, sticky sweet and poison-laced, and Rey stilled as she strained to hear from the backroom.

“Something that makes my ass look amazing,” Jess said.

“Whore,” Jyn said.

“Jealous,” Jess laughed.

 

The beaded doorway did nothing to muffle their conversation as they worked their way through the shop, and Rey kept quiet as they came nearer.

“Who all’s going to be there? Did Hux tell you?” Jyn asked.

“The usual, I guess. Phasma. Q’ira. That whole crew.”

Rey shifted and glanced at the clock. Work ended in twenty minutes, but no way was she heading out to the front of the store while they were present. 

“Wonder where the trash princess is today?” Jyn said. “Do you see her?”

Rey froze in the backroom, listening intently.

“Somewhere off being artsy-fartsy probably,” Jess sighed. “Freak,” she said under her breath.

“Oh my God, that’s so cute.”

“I know, right?”

“You bitch,” Jyn said with a sigh, “you always pick up the good pieces first.”

“I know what looks good on me.”

“You know what gets attention.”

“Jealous,” Jess said. “I can’t help it.”

“Not jealous, just getting pointers.”

Jess giggled. “Here. Take this. That’ll snag a whole room full of boys.”

“I don’t want a whole room full, you whore, just one.”

“Fine. Well, it’ll still do the trick. Bet me.”

“No, I’ll just trust you. You’ve got the entire basketball team bending over backwards to watch you walk by.”

“I don’t care about the whole team,” Jess laughed, “just one.”

Rey stiffened and held her breath as she clenched a fist atop the shopping bag in her lap where she sat on the floor.

 

“You’re so bad.” 

“What? I just want to comfort a grieving soul.”

Regret and envy braided into rage as they flared red hot in Rey’s heart.

“Pfft,” Jyn snorted, “grieving soul my ass. You just want his body.”

 “Shut up.”  
  
“What about Bazine?” Jyn asked and Rey leaned in to hear Jess’s response as her jealousy spiraled, a tornado gathering speed as it swept up more debris.

“Pfft. Please. I can handle her.”

“She’s older than us.”

“So? She’d not even that hot. Besides, he’s not into her. Stephanie said Bazine’s been legit stalking him and he told her to fuck off. He’s totally available.”

Rey’s fingernails embedded her palms as she breathed through the rage, waiting until her vision cleared some and the pain in her hands centered her.

 

“Ladies,” Maz called, “can I help you find anything in particular?”

“Oh, we’re fine, thank you, Maz,” Jess crooned.

“Well, we close in about fifteen minutes. Just let me know if I can help in any way.”

“Thanks,” both girls called, saccharine voices ringing like bells.

“I’m getting this,” Jess said a moment later as her footsteps retreated to the register.

“Me too,” Jyn agreed.

 

Rey sat boiling as they chatted with Maz pleasantly until the door chimed their departure, a toxic stew of rage and possessive jealousy tearing through her. She ignored Maz when she left the store, and crossed her arms over her chest when she climbed into her father’s car in a huff. 

Slinging her bag to the floor between her feet she scowled.

By bedtime she’d broken lead four times pushing too hard, and made a small tear in her timeline piece when she rubbed the eraser clean through the paper.  
  
  
********

“One student for _House Party_ , please,” Rey said as she stepped up to the ticket counter.

Joining the twins, she fell in line behind Poe and Finn as they headed inside the theater and handed over her ticket to be torn.

 

“Theater seven, to your left.”

 Rey nodded and slipped the stub into her back pocket as she waited for Rose and Paige.

“I’m getting popcorn,” Finn said as he walked to the concession line.

“Me too,” Paige said. “I need Reese’s Pieces.” 

“Ooh, get me some Sno-Caps, please, P?” Poe asked. “We’ll go get seats.”

Rey threaded an arm through Poe’s as he escorted her and Rose to the theater, finishing a story about his job as they walked down the carpeted hall. The double doors to another theater flung open and people flooded out as they merged into one river.

Her heart bounced fiercely the moment her eyes met Ben’s, a head-on collision. Steps faltering, her arm fell where it was tucked inside Poe’s, and she glanced around nervously.

“Uh...uh…” she muttered.

Words eluded her as Ben advanced, and she was face-to-face with him in a breath.

 

“Hi,” she said as she looked fully into his face. Her stomach did a cartwheel, mind racing as she stared up at him. Poe and Rose watched with wide eyes as people poured around them.

“We’ll go get seats,” Poe said as he pulled Rose inside the theater.

“Ben,” Hux said as he appeared at Ben’s side, eyeing Rey disdainfully, “c’mon, man.”

“In a sec,” Ben said, eyes on Rey’s as the crowd thinned.

“We gotta get going,” Hux said.

“I said in a sec, Hux,” Ben said again, looking at him briefly before turning his attention back to Rey.

 

Hux snorted as he walked away, rolling his eyes as Rey blinked hard to miss it. She inhaled and steeled herself, finding his eyes on her when she opened them. The hallway emptied as stragglers found their theater doors, and Ben stood five feet away.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Never better.”

She pursed her lips, rubbing them against one another anxiously as she tried again.

“Have you had a good summer?” she asked, cringing as she heard the words leave her mouth, lacing her hands together as she watched his brow furrow.

“Yeah, sure,” he said bitterly. “The fucking best.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Whatever.”

“I just mean...how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Fine,” he said, looking over her head, eyes focused on something else as she watched him.

 “Your face,” she said, tracing the faded scar with her eyes, the pink line fading to white, “it looks good.”

“My face looks good,” he repeated, meeting her eyes. “Okay,” he huffed sourly, hands fisted in his pockets.

“And how are you doing with your dad and the…”

“Awesome,” he cut her off.

“You are?” she asked gently. She moved towards him carefully, a wounded creature in a trap she hoped to tend.

“Sure. Fucking awesome. I lost my best friend and my fucking father in one month and haven’t seen either one since then, so yeah, really fucking awesome.”

Rey drew a breath and looked down. She wound the leather fringe of her bag around her fingers.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“What else is new?”

Rey looked up at his eyes, empty and cool and fought the urge to cry.

 “They’re waiting for me,” she said.

 

Finn eyed her from behind Ben, rounding the doorway to the theater with an overflowing popcorn bucket. 

“So, go.”

Ben stood anchored in place, still as a statue as Rey struggled to make her feet move. The detached regard in his stare held her captive, unfamiliar and heartbreaking.

_This used to be so easy._

Her steps faltered as she started around him, brushing his arm as she headed for the theater. He hadn’t moved an inch when she glanced back at him before heading inside.

 

********

“This is very good, Rey. I love what you’ve done here with this section. The way you played with dark and light? The juxtaposition of the characters and the shadows? Brilliant,” Ms. Shaakti said as she surveyed Rey’s timeline piece.

Rey twisted her hands into a pretzel as she grinned, biting her lip. Fett shot her a wink from behind their teacher and her cheeks burned.

 

“We’re gonna have a great expo, y’all,” the teacher announced. “Friday at seven, tell your people.”

 “Nice,” Fett said as he nodded at Rey’s timeline.

 Twenty feet of love devolved into pain and conflict and then emptiness on the unscrolled paper. Anguish, hope, misery, joy, she’d tried to etch it all into the scenes she’d left on the scroll, tried to capture it with a pencil to soothe her heart.

 

“Thanks,” Rey said. “And thanks for all your help. It’s really been nice having a friend who I could talk about art with.”

“Yeah. Maybe we could still hang out. I could show you some things. It’s hard finding someone my age who can appreciate good art.”

“Okay. Yeah, that sounds good,” Rey smiled. His translucent blue eyes blinked at her shyly for the first time and he cleared his throat. His normal bravado dissipated as he held out a piece of paper.

“My band’s playing at The Gator Club this weekend. You can come if you want.”

“You play in a band?” she said, skimming the flyer.

“The fiddle,” he shrugged, tossing blonde hair from his eyes as he slouched casually, one hand in a pocket of low-slung, black jeans 

“I didn’t know you played an instrument,” Rey smiled. “You never told me that.”

“Homeschool perk. You remember those, right? Time to apprentice in the arts.”

“Right. I forgot you’re homeschooled.”

 _“Was_ homeschooled. Student-propelled was more like it,” he sighed emphatically as he smiled. “Before I graduated.”

“Oh yeah. Big high school graduate. I know. Deigning to talk to the youngin’s,” Rey teased as he smiled 

They walked to the door and he pulled car keys from his pocket as he headed to the parking lot.

“So...my band. This weekend. I’ll remind you again.” 

“Okay,” Rey smiled as she warmed head to toe. “Sounds good.”

 

*******

“Holdo looks different,” Poe said, tearing a hunk from his turkey sandwich.

“Yeah. Purple hair,” Finn said. “Who knew she had it in her?”

“Wonder what administration said about that?” Rose said, tossing Paige a bag of chips.

Rey sat doodling inside a notebook in the shade of the portico while her friends sprawled on the grass. A new year meant the threat of losing their lunchtime routine, but no one else challenged their right to this patch of sidewalk, so they sprawled like always and rehashed the first week of school.

“Probably not much,” Finn shrugged. “Holdo’s been here a hundred years. They’re not gonna waste their time picking a fight over her hair.”

“I like it,” Rose said, wiping her mouth. “I’m thinking about doing something to mine, but my hair’s so dark. Maybe deep red. Just on the ends.”

Rey shielded her eyes and looked at Rose where she lay in the grass, eyes closed on her back.

“That’d look good on you,” Rey said.

“Yeah? Ya think?” Rose asked, propped on elbows to see Rey as she spoke.

“Totally,” Rey said, looking back down as she traced a line darker in her sketchbook. “New year, new you.”

“I’m doing it,” Rose said, laying back down.

“Cool,” Rey said, head whipping around as noise pierced the air.

A rowdy cluster of kids strolled by, laughing as they walked past Rey. She brushed eraser shards from her book and squinted in the sunlight, focusing as Ben walked past. Taller than the rest, he moved inside the crowd almost completely obscured, but Rey tracked the group’s movements until they disappeared inside the building.

 

********

“Who’s this kid again?” Paige asked, hair pins sticking out between her teeth as she arranged the hair atop her head.

“He’s from my art class this summer at the college,” Rey said, taking the bobby pins from her hand and securing Paige’s hair. “Give me the rest.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember now. And he wants you to come see him play, huh? With his band?” Paige said, handing over the rest of the hair pins as she watched Rey’s handiwork in the bathroom mirror.

“Yeah.” Tucking in an errant lock of hair, Rey surveyed her work. “He plays the fiddle.”

“The fiddle?” Paige asked, raising an eyebrow. “What, like, a violin?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And he calls it a fiddle?”

“Yeah, I guess. Why? What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. If you live on _Little House on the Prairie_.”

Rey rolled her eyes and reached for Paige’s lipgloss, applying some as she eyed her face carefully in the mirror.

“Ha ha,” she said humorlessly.

“I’m kidding,” Paige said, bumping her hip. “Course I’ll come.” 

“Thanks. It’ll be fun,” Rey shrugged.

Paige sighed and raised both eyebrows as they left the bathroom, and Rey looped her arm through her friend’s.

 

*******

“I’m Poe,” he said, reaching to shake hands.

“Fett.”

Rey dug through her purse to find her glasses case as the guys greeted one another.

“That your first name or last name?” Finn asked as he shook hands with the newcomer as they crowded into a booth together.

“Just Fett,” he repeated, widening his arms.

“Okay,” Finn said as he looked from Fett to Rey skeptically. Rey caught his eye and glared, depositing her glasses into their case and snapping her bag closed. The Tico twins scooted inside the booth while they split appetizers and Rey leaned into Rose as they shared a plate of food.

 

“Where do you go to school, Fett?” Rose asked, popping a chip loaded with salsa into her mouth.

“Suncoast College,” he said, laying an arm around the back of the booth. Rey sat up straight to keep her braid from being trapped under his arm, and took a sip of her drink. “Graduated in February." 

“February? How’d you do that?” Finn asked.

“Self-led education, my friend,” Fett said, fingers drumming on the booth. His knee bobbed rhythmically beneath the table and his eyes darted around as he scanned the room.

“Self...what?” Finn asked, looking at Fett, and then Poe when no one answered.

“He was homeschooled,” Rey said, annoyed this wasn’t going better. It had been so easy when she’d became a part of their friend group, and then when she’d introduced someone else last time, it was easy then, too, but this…

“Why didn’t he just say homeschool?” Finn asked under his breath as he ate a chip.

“Hmm?” Fett hummed, knee bouncing as he nodded to someone across the room distractedly. “Oh, sorry,” he said, sliding from the booth, “gotta go warm up.” He shuffled as he walked, blonde hair tossed from his eyes as he headed for the bandmates arriving.

“Weird kid,” Poe said, chomping a chip noisily.

“Yeah,” Finn said, eyes wide as he lifted a straw to his lips. “Neat.”

“You guys,” Rey whined, “come on. This is my only friend who knows anything about art, and he’s really smart. Really. 

“What?” Finn said as she looked at him pleadingly across the table. “This is me giving him a chance, alright?”

“Rey, what is this? You like this kid or what?” Paige asked.

“Yeah. He’s nice.”

“And cute,” Paige said. “Is this the new Ben?”

“That toothpick is not a Ben,” Poe snorted, lifting a glass to his lips with a smirk. 

“No,” Rey said firmly, ignoring the way her stomach flipped at Ben’s name casually dropped. “That’s weird. I just like him. Okay?”

Finn nodded and shrugged and Poe snapped a chip between his teeth.

“K, Sunny. It’s no big,” he said.

Rose handed her a cheese quesadilla triangle. “They’re sorry,” she said, eyes flashing at Finn and Poe as she spoke.

“Yeah. We’ll play nice,” Poe said.

Even Rey snorted quietly once she was done shushing her friends after a few songs. They bobbed in time as the band jammed and afterward, Poe told Rey that was the last goddamn time she picked concerts until further notice.

 

*******

 

“Rey, I wondered if I could speak to you after school about something.”

“Um, sure, Mrs. Mothma, but I have work after school."

“Oh,” her teacher said, hands folding on her desk as she met Rey’s eye. “Well, we could chat now I guess, if you have a minute?”

“Okay. Sure.” Rey sat down at her easel again and turned to face her teacher. She glanced at the clock and tugged her bag into her lap.

Twenty minutes left for lunch. No problem.

 

“I had a question about the work you’ve turned in this quarter so far. I find myself feeling it’s...off somehow.”

Rey blinked at her slowly, awaiting explanation. She’d had a slow start to summer, sure, but lately it was flowing seamlessly. She’d flown through two sketchbooks since July, and had no less than three current pieces pressed carefully between the pages of her textbooks. 

“Off?”

“Well, maybe not _off,_ per se,” Mrs. Mothma said. She moved out from behind her desk, perching on the stool beside Rey. “Different, maybe. Is that it?”

“I don’t…” Rey stammered, swallowing her nerves, “I don’t know. Am I in trouble?”

“Oh, God, no. I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Rey smiled, “because, I really want to apply for scholarships soon, and I’ve been working really hard. I earned a credit at the college over the summer and everything.”

“No. Yes. That’s excellent, sweetie, honestly it is. You’re a talented young woman, and I look forward to helping you apply to college when the time comes, if you’d like.”

“I would. Definitely.”

Balancing elbows on knees, Mrs. Mothma leaned closer, searching Rey’s eyes.

 

“Good. Good. I just...want to make sure you’re alright. As a student. As a person, not just as an artist.”

“I…” Rey struggled for the words to convince the concerned-looking adult as the door opened, and Ben strode in. He stopped in his tracks once he spotted Rey. She twisted abruptly on her stool, heart racing as he walked towards Mrs. Mothma with a stack of papers.

“These are from Mr. Harrison,” he said.

Rey squeezed her eyes tightly at his voice and held her breath. She wound the strap of her messenger bag around her hand, sitting tall. Blood rushed into her fingers as it tightened, cutting off circulation. 

“Thank you,” Mrs. Mothma said at the sound of Ben’s fading steps. “Close the door, please,” she called, just before the door shut tightly.

 

Rey turned slowly and smiled, eyebrows lifting high as she met her teacher’s eyes. Mrs. Mothma’s brow furrowed as she gazed at Rey, mouth opening as she held a long breath before speaking.

“I just want to make sure everything with you is good. 

“Yep,” Rey smiled brightly. She glanced at the clock and put a foot on the ground.

“Because for an artist, our work is a reflection of the soul. And sometimes when we have darker days, it naturally bleeds into our work.”

Rey tugged a strap over her shoulder. “Just trying to produce good work.”

“You are,” she said, eyes roaming Rey as she leaned back. “I can’t help noticing though, your work is...darker somehow.”

“Oh,” Rey said, standing as she hopped down, “I’ve been concentrating on shading. I’m basically obsessed with it lately. I may need to scale back a bit.”

“Yes. Shading. I noticed that, but I mean more in the sense there seems to be a sadness to your work of late. Something...sullen.”

“Hmm,” Rey hummed, glancing at the clock again, “nope. Just shading. I’ll lighten up." 

“Alright,” Mrs. Mothma sighed, walking Rey to the classroom door. “I just care about you, sweetie, and I want you to know I’m always here to talk if you need anything. My door’s always open.”

 

She swung the door wide as Rey peeked into the hallway, hoping it was empty. A group of kids walked by, no one Rey knew, and she braved a look around.

“Thanks, Mrs. Mothma,” she said, breathing more easily as she exited the art room. “I appreciate it." 

“You’re welcome.”

 

*******

 

“Hi, daddy!”

“Hey,” Chewie called. “I’m in here!”

Rey threw her bag on the couch and kicked off her shoes, padding to the kitchen in knee socks.

 

“Thanks,” she said, snagging a carrot as her father stood chopping. She balanced on toes to kiss his bearded cheek as she climbed onto the counter and chomped noisily.

“What’s new?” he asked, piling the carrots into a bowl of lettuce.

“Nothing,” she shrugged, reaching for another, “what’s new with you?”

“Nothing much. Work’s same old-same old. Clock in, clock out.”

“Mmmm,” she hummed as she swung her legs against the cabinets. His job at the boat factory was intense, long days without air conditioning. Rey couldn’t tolerate more than a short visit to toss him a sandwich without feeling sick from heat exhaustion.

“What’s new at the Castle?” Chewie asked, slicing a tomato.

“Not much. Let’s add some protein to this salad.”

 

She slid to the floor and opened the pantry, digging to find a can of black beans as she realized no furry, grey princess wound between her legs demanding food.

No meowing, no purring.

 

“You seen Lamby?” she asked, opening a drawer to find a can opener.

“Nope,” her father said, scraping a cutting board into the bowl. “Not since I got home.”

Rey watched his shoulders roll as he diced and scooped, slowly turning to inspect the room for her kitten. She moved through the living room, lifting pillows and murmuring as she called her cat, stalking slowly. Any minute the kitten would pounce, or else nonchalantly saunter past her toes.

She called as she roamed the apartment, checking the nooks her cat would normally hide, and ended up back in the kitchen as her father set bowls and glasses on the small table.

 

“I can’t find her.”

“She’ll turn up,” he said, filling the iced glasses with water.

“But, she’s never done this before. I’ve checked everywhere.”

“She’s a cat.”

“Yeah, but this place isn’t the Taj Mahal or something. I searched the whole apartment in like three minutes and I still can’t find her.”

“Are you sure? Maybe she’s just hiding.”

“I looked everywhere already, and she’s not coming when I call her.”

“I’ll help you look after dinner,” he said, pulling out a chair and sitting down heavily.

“Dad, I already looked,” Rey said, still standing. “I’m telling you, she’s not here.”

“Give her a minute to show up. She’s probably off chasing a mouse.”

“There’s no mice in this crummy, little apartment,” she muttered, stomping towards her room as her father divided salad onto dinner plates.

“You coming to eat?” he called while Rey dug underneath the bed.

“Lambchop,” Rey said as she crawled into closets and between furniture. “Here kitty!”

“I’ll help after we eat!” her dad called.

 

Stomping to the kitchen again, she huffed as her father tipped back the beer bottle, oblivious to her anger.

“When’s the last time you saw her?”

“The cat?”

“Yes, dad,” Rey steamed, “Lambchop. The cat. When’d you last see her?”

“When I came home, I think. She was by the door when I was coming inside with groceries.”

“The front door? You saw her by the front door when you were bringing in groceries?!”

“Yeah, I think so."

“Well, did you scoop her up and make sure she stayed in the house? Did you look to make sure she didn’t slip out the door?”

“My hands were full…” he said as Rey’s face deepened to a dark red, a tidal wave of fury rising as she listened to him defend himself. He sat the bottle down and Rey’s shoulders clenched as her neck strained. 

“You let her get out! Didn’t you?!” she screamed.  
  
“Are you sure?” he asked, staring at Rey as she melted down. “You look everywhere?” 

“Yes! She’s gone, dad! I’m sure and you don’t even care!”

“I’m sorry, honey,” he said, chair scraping as he followed Rey into the living room where she paced angrily. “I was just bringing groceries in. I didn’t mean to let her out.”

“You lost her! You lost her and now she’s gone forever! _You lost her!”_

 

Tears streamed down her hot cheeks as Rey marched circles in the small space. Her fists clenched as she fumed, braids swinging violently.

“I’m sorry,” Chewie said, hands pleading as he watched her.

“You’re sorry! You’re _sorry?!_ I needed her!”

Sobbing, she buried her face in her hands as she stood swaying, shrugging her father’s large hands away as he touched her shoulders sympathetically.

 

“I’ll help you look, honey. Come on, calm down.”

“I already looked!” she fumed, “And she’s gone!”

Her fingers started to tingle, hands clawing into fists pulled to her chest as she paced.

“I’ll never find her now! It’s dark and she’s all alone out there! She’s gone forever!" 

“Rey, calm down,” Chewie said, trying to face Rey while she oscillate wildly. 

“How could you? You took her away from me! You lost her! How could you?! _How could you?!_ ” Screaming until she ran out of breath, she panted as she threw pillows onto the ground, gasping angrily.

“I’ll get you another cat,” he said, voice breaking as he followed her through the small space.

“No!” she wailed. “There aren’t more fish in the sea, dad! There isn’t another one just like this! She’s gone forever! You ruined it! You can’t  replace what I love! You ruin everything! You lost her!”

 

Face-down on the couch, she soaked the cushions with tears, even while knowing she was giving herself over to the misery, welcoming it. Her self-pity blended with long-buried resentment as a toxic brew bubbled over.

“You can’t keep anyone safe!” Rey sobbed, red faced as she glared up at her stunned father through bloodshot eyes. “You let her leave! I needed her and you let her die!”

 

Burying her face in the couch, she cried noisily as the accusations looped. The list of loved ones she couldn’t hold onto was more than she could bear, and Ben’s kitten disappearing was the last straw.

“I don’t want anyone else! I...I...I can’t breathe...I can’t breathe…” she panted hard as her lungs seized. Gulping, she reached for air to inhale, but nothing helped unlock her lungs as she threw herself back against the couch upright.

“Reyanna!” her father hunched in front of her, shouting as he took her by the shoulders. “Breathe! Breathe! Look at my face! Rey! Breathe!”

_Air_

_Air_

_Air_

The walls came closer and the room shrunk down, suffocating her as she struggled. Numbness crept through her arms and into her chest. Her lips tingled as they grew numb and panic swept her mind. She was drowning on dry land, and she couldn’t find the surface.

“Rey, breathe!” he screamed as she dragged air in, sputtering as she gagged. He clutched her arms as she clawed at his biceps, watching his face as he caught her wild-eyed attention.

“Breathe, honey,” he repeated until she was able to hear him again. Pins and needles pricked her arms and then hands as feeling flooded. Her grip on his arms loosened as her heart calmed. Fresh tears filled her eyes as he pulled her into his embrace.

“I got you,” he said as oxygen leaked into Rey’s lungs. She drew desperate pulls inside her bursting lungs.

“Okay,” her father whispered as he took a knee beside her. 

His warm hand patted her braids as she wept until she quieted, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, rubbing her wet cheeks on his rough work shirt.

“I’m sorry,” she sniffled into his shoulder.

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…" 

“I know, honey, I know. It’s okay. It’s all over.” Her heart slowed, listening to the lullabye of her father’s breathing, and finally she sat back and gathered the pillows from the floor, shamed by her outburst.

 

“Okay now?” he asked.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Rey...is this really about your cat?”

Rey blinked back tears as she avoided his eyes and shame filled her voided heart as he watched her sniffle.

“Or about mama?”

 

Rey blinked down at her limp hands as the remnant of a tear dripped from her wet lashes.

“You really think I let your her die?” he asked quietly. 

_Yes._

“No,” she whispered. “I don’t know why I said that.”

“Mmmm.”

“Dad, I’m sorry. I just got carried away.”

Chewie looked at her mournfully and swallowed. One arm balanced on his knee while he looked away, and Rey felt her heart break with remorse.  
  
“I had a terrible day at school,” she said, “and then a hard night at work. I’m just really upset about Lambchop, that’s all, daddy. I’m sorry.”

 

Chewie stood and sighed, a hand running through his beard as he turned to the hall.

“Okay, honey,” he said quietly.

“Really. I...I don’t know what came over me.”  
  
“S’okay, kiddo. I’m gonna take a quick smoke and then we’ll look for your cat.”

He slipped an open pack of cigarettes into his shirt pocket and grabbed a lighter as he headed for the door, smiling weakly at Rey as she sat up on the couch to watch him leave.

“Daddy…”

“S’okay,” he repeated. “I’ll look for Lambchop while I’m outside, just...gimme a minute,” he said as he stepped into the evening, pulling the door closed.

Rey listened to his steps as he marched down the stairs outside to cough his way through a cigarette alone, and she walked to her room in silence and laced up shoes. Ben’s kitten was not going to just walk away from her.

It was all she had left of him.

 

**********

 

The whole school knew about Ben’s tirade by the time she showed up two days later.

Rey had scoured the neighborhood with her dad after Lambchop disappeared, peering under cars and inside shop windows with a flashlight while he slowly rolled through the streets in his aging jalopy until 1 am.

When her alarm went off at five, she rolled over and tugged the covers over her head miserably, deciding to ignore her father who offered to take her late.  She pounded her frustration into the stapler as she left copies of her kitten’s photo on telephone poles all over town instead 

When the texts began rolling in after school, she jumped for the phone, hoping it was a stranger with news about her lost cat.

The group texts chimed as her friends filled her in on the drama she’d missed on campus instead.

 

_Dude. You missed it. Ben lost it today._

_Like, he went straight-up ballistic on some kid._

_He and some punk got into it in the hallway and Coach Donovan had to pull them apart._

_He full-on punched the lockers, dude._

_He legit dented the fuck out of one of them!_ _  
_ _He was a raging mess._

_He’s getting suspended for sure._

_I heard he screamed all the way across school while they dragged him to administration._

_It was all anyone could talk about._

_The other kid’s name was Pauly. He had a bloody lip and a black eye._

_Super fucked-up, man._

_I didn’t even know Ben hung out with that kid._

_All I heard was Ben screaming to STFU over and over, and that Pauly kid screaming to give him his money._

_Ben was a wreck, dude. Like for real._

_You missed it, Rey._

_He looked destroyed._

_I bet his mom is gonna have a fit._

_It was so sad._

_It would have ripped your heart out, Rey._

_It’s probably a good thing you missed it._

_Yeah._

 

Wide-eyed, she watched as the texts lit her phone. She grabbed her keys from the hook before she could think to tell Maz she would be late for work.

When no one answered Ben’s doorbell, she knocked, and when no one answered the knocking she threw rocks. Her eyes flitted between the vacant windows as the sky darkened. The indifferent house sat quietly while Rey waited for a response, and she crept through the flower beds carefully.

Facing his window, she called Ben’s name until her voice broke and she couldn’t say it anymore.

 

When Maz called to ask where she was, she’d been standing silently in his yard for a half hour. The following day, she shot out of bed determined to see for herself how he was. When lunch rolled around and word was he’d been suspended, she talked Poe into skipping fifth period to drive her to Ben’s. 

This time when she pounded the front door, the housekeeper arrived instantly, and Rey nervously glanced at Poe who was waiting in his car while she waited for Ben to come to the door.

His Adam’s apple bobbed noticeably when he glimpsed her, and his bare feet slowed as he approached.

 

“Hey.” 

“Hey.”

“I heard what happened yesterday. Just wanted to check on you.”

He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled noisily, cheeks puffing as he leaned against the doorframe. Rey steadied herself as she took him in, close and unguarded for the first time in months.

“You heard about that, huh?”

“The whole school heard about that, Solo, get real.”

His eyes ran over her face slowly. It had been a long time since she’d spoken to him, and even longer since she’d called him anything but Ben.

She wondered again if he’d heard her call him “baby” in the hospital, how she’d begged him to wake up.

How she’d said she loved him, too.

 

“Not my finest moment." 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there." 

“You couldn’t have done anything.” 

“I could’ve been there for you,” Rey said, moving closer as Ben backed up. “I could’ve helped.” 

“Rey, stop,” he said, holding a hand up as she shrunk back into the doorway. “I’m not...I can’t…”

“Okay,” she said gently, “I’ll go.” 

“No - don’t go. Just...I fucked up. Okay? I’m a huge fucking mess and I don’t want you to see me this way.” 

“What way? Ben, I still care about you. I just want to help.” 

He sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling, arms crossed over his chest while Rey watched him. His scar was a pale line down his face, unfairly adding to his allure somehow. She hadn’t been granted this much time to stare at him since he’d been unconscious in the hospital bed.

_What would happen if I touched him?_

“I’ve been really, really fucked up,” he said. 

Rey stood still, watching while he spoke with closed eyes.

“I’ve had a really shitty few months.” 

“I know,” she whispered.

“No,” he said, meeting her eyes, “no, I mean like a _really_ shitty few months. I’ve been in a shit ton of pain. Physically, mentally, all the ways. A ton of pain.” 

“I’m sorry,” she said, stepping closer again as he shook his head. “I should have been there for you. I should have kept coming to the hospital, I never should have left you alone.”

“I was drugged out of my mind, Rey. I didn’t even know where I was for like a week. Couldn’t even remember what happened with my dad and when I did…” he broke off, squeezing the bridge of his nose as his eyes shut tightly. “I got used to the pain pills. They helped. When I ran out, I started buying them.”

“Ben…”

“I know. I know. It was so fucking stupid. I just wanted to get numb. Any way I could.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Tears were building again, and she willed her feet to stay immobile, fighting the instinct to press her head to his chest and find comfort. “I’m here now,” she said, meeting his eyes as tears slid down her cheeks.

“I’m leaving,” he said. It looked like regret in his eyes as she stared up at him. “My mom is bringing me up to Tallahassee.”

 

“Tallahassee?” Her heart froze as her eyes widened.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “She doesn’t want to lose me, too, she says. Honestly, I can’t keep living in this house alone most of the time. She’s been to see me, but only like every other week and clearly, I need supervision.”

Words stuck in her throat.

 

_Ben. No._

 

“I’ll be back,” he said softly.  
  
_But…_

Her mind raced with arguments, panicked solutions tangling her tongue as she sputtered to find any response.

 

“I gotta keep packing,” he said, a hand on the doorknob as he took a step back and glanced over his shoulder as the housekeeper passed.  
  
Rey stepped over the threshold, cheek colliding with his firm chest. Her arms came around his waist like a vice, eyes slamming shut as his familiar scent overpowered her. She balled her fists into his shirt as his arms wrapped around her shoulders and she sighed into his touch.

She closed her eyes as his chin tucked her in tightly.

“How long?”

“Dunno. Till I’m better.”

“When?" 

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” she pulled back and found his eyes as the shock settled. She’d walk the halls without hope of seeing him. She’d wake up in a town where he wasn’t. She’d live without Ben.

“I need to,” he said softly. She hadn't seen his eyes in months, not really. Once they'd closed during the accident he'd never looked at her the same again, and they shot her backward in time. She'd seen these eyes before. At dusk, in the sunlight, everyday for months. Ache flashed through her heart as she realized the fleeting moment was all she had now.

 

“I know,” she said, planting her head under his chin again. His hand cupped the back of her neck and she held him tightly as she willed the moment to last.  
  
“I’ll write you,” he said against her hair.  
  
Rey nodded and tugged him closer, eyes slammed together as tears leaked from the corners.

“You write me back?”

“I promise,” she nodded against his chest. She was crushing him, probably close to ripping his t-shirt as she gripped it tightly, but her arms tightened further even as she felt the moment slipping. 

“Poe’s waving you down,” he finally said.

“We’re skipping fifth period,” she said.

“I’m a bad influence on you,” he smiled as she met his eyes. He leaned down and kissed her forehead and Rey’s eyes fluttered closed, burying the memory deeply.

“I’ll miss you,” she said.

_I need you._

He huffed a sigh, pulling her close one last time. “I’ll miss you too, sweetness.”

 

Before she looked back he'd already closed the door, and Poe drove her wordlessly back to school.

Junior year was three months old, and already Rey’s world was shaded from every angle.

 

*********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	6. Junior Year, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Ben comes back.**  
>  Let's round the corner and head for home. _We have earned everything we are about to have._
> 
> Four chapters of Senior Year begin Wednesday, Nov 28

# 

 

**Chapter 6**

**Junior Year, Part 3**

 

***********

 

“I think I need to talk to somebody.”

That’s all she’d needed to say to Mrs. Mothma, and here she was.

 

The silky pillows in turquoise hues hugged Rey into the white, leather loveseat in the therapist’s office. A box of tissues sat at her knee and a small zen garden with a water feature trickled on Elizabeth’s desk.

The metronome of tinkling water was patient as Elizabeth.

Serene eyes fringed by pale, blonde bangs, she watched Rey wrap the purse strap around her fingers till the blood pooled purple.

 

“What kind of art is your speciality?”

Rey’s gaze dug into Elizabeth’s green eyes skeptically. She shrugged, more indifferently than she felt.

“Mostly drawing.”

Elizabeth smiled slightly and laced her hands together. Her roller chair squeaked under her considerable girth and she sat too still.

“Nice,” she said. “Do you do any other types of art? Oils, maybe? Or clay?”

 

She wasn’t an artist, that was clear, and Rey felt annoyance bubble up. This woman would never understand Rey if she couldn’t understand art. Maybe this was a mistake.

Mrs. Mothma had recommended this therapist, and Rey trusted her, but there was too much to say, too much damage. It was easier to just keep working to forget, keep her head above water, focus on her art.

Maybe there was a way out.

 

“Can I ask something?” Rey asked abruptly.

“Of course,” Elizabeth smiled wider.

“How much is this costing? This session?”

Elizabeth unlaced her hands over her soft stomach and cocked her head.

“Is that on your mind?”

“Yeah,” Rey said, glancing at the bookshelves lined with thick textbooks, framed photos of Elizabeth’s perfect family, a huge, sleeping computer monitor on the desk. “How much do you charge?”

 

Elizabeth silently cocked her head further, and Rey continued.

“I just think this is probably expensive. And if so, we shouldn’t be talking about me and my art. We should just talk about my episode.”

“Is that what you want to talk about? Your episode?”

“I don’t know, I just...are you really expensive?”

 

Elizabeth regarded her with warm eyes and Rey shifted on the soft couch. The creamy leather creaked as she tried to sit up straight.

“This is such an interesting thing for a teenager to be worried about,” Elizabeth mused quietly. Rey blanched and she went on. “Most teenagers assume their parents will worry about the money.”

Rey swallowed, feeling corrected, even though Elizabeth’s face was calm as a cloudless sky.

“My dad works on the line at the speedboat factory by the marina. He works really hard,” she hurried to add. “I’m used to thinking about money, I guess.”

“You’re proud of him,” Elizabeth offered. She smiled slightly when Rey nodded. “What’s he like, your dad?”

“Warm,” Rey said, after thinking for a moment. It was easy to talk about her father, and it felt good to move away from the money discussion. “And nice.”

 

Elizabeth’s eyes sparkled when she smiled, disappearing inside plump, blushing cheeks. “He sounds great.”

“He is. He’s my hero.”

“And what about your mom?”

“She died when I was little. I barely remember her.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Rey,” Elizabeth said gently. She sought Rey’s eyes and Rey studied the floor as her throat ached in the familiar way the way it did when she thought of her mama. “You don’t remember her. That’s got to be hard.”

“Sometimes,” Rey shrugged. A tear slipped free before she could catch it, and she wiped it hastily onto her khaki school skirt.

“How old were you when she died?”

“Seven.”

 

“Hmm,” Elizabeth said. Rey looked up and watched as she processed. Was that a significant thing? That Rey had been seven? She couldn’t read what Elizabeth must be thinking.

“What?” Rey asked, uncertain what the look of curiosity on Elizabeth’s face meant.

“Well...most people have a pretty good memory of someone they knew when they were seven.”

Rey gulped.

 

“I wonder what you can recall.”

The water in the zen garden trickled as the room fell silent. Elizabeth was waiting, and it made Rey nervous.

“Do you ever have a chance to talk about her?”

“No,” Rey mumbled, twisting the strap around her hand.

“Would you like to?”

“No.”

“Hmm.”

 

Nothing was coming to rescue her from this interrogation, Rey realized as she sat sullenly on the cozy couch. Sunlight streamed through the window curtains above Elizabeth’s desk, and sound from beyond the closed door caught her attention, but Rey was here because she’d asked for this session.

No one was coming to save her.

“I mean, there’s no one to talk with about her.”

“What about your dad?”

“We don’t really talk about my mom.”

“Why is that?”

Rey shrugged. “Sad, I guess.”

“It makes you too sad to talk about your mom?”

 

_Yes._

Rey nodded and Elizabeth went on.

“Does it make your dad sad, too?”

She nodded again and her shoulders drooped, tension leaking out as her hands stilled in her lap.

“Do you try not to feel sad? Is sadness something you don’t want to feel?”

Rey nodded more vigorously, and met Elizabeth’s eyes briefly before looking at the worn carpet, following the abstract pattern.

“Sometimes sadness feels like too big a feeling to hold. Especially if we’re holding all our own, and someone else’s too.”

 

_Yes._

Rey sat motionless as she listened, eyes on the carpet as her breathing calmed.

“Sometimes it’s easier to take all the sadness and freeze it, like a huge iceberg and let it float out to sea,” Elizabeth said. Her voice filled the room and wrapped around Rey as she sunk further into the couch. “And when the sadness iceberg starts to melt, it can feel like we’re drowning. All that frozen sadness becomes a tidal wave that pulls us under.”

Rey nodded slowly and listened.

“It can feel like we’re drowning. Especially if we’re trying to keep someone else afloat, too.”

Tears began to sting her eyes as Rey listened and she met Elizabeth’s gentle gaze briefly before a tear slipped down her cheek. She reached for a tissue, catching the tear quickly.

“Sometimes, you both drown.”  
  
Elizabeth sat motionless, letting the moment linger instead of offering more words, and Rey continued to cry.

 

“I really don’t remember that much about her,” Rey apologized. Tears streamed as she looked at Elizabeth, whose furrowed brow and nodding head only made her cry more. “I promise.”

“You’ve been such a good girl, Rey, haven’t you?”

Rey sniffled as she wiped at her cheeks, a steady river of grief pouring down her face.

“Such a good daughter. A little soldier.”

It felt too generous to receive such praise, and Rey looked at her lap as she felt overwhelmed. A good girl wouldn’t have screamed at her dad. Failed Ben. Lost her kitten.

A good girl wouldn’t blame her father for letting her mother refuse treatment and die.

A good girl would be able to remember her mama.

Would know how to love people and keep them safe.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rey said, sniffing back tears.

“Healthy people cry a lot and laugh a lot,” Elizabeth said. “You certainly don’t have to apologize for doing either of those things with me, ever.”

Rey nodded and rubbed the crumbling clump of tissues below her eyes as she stopped crying, watching as Elizabeth turned to open desk drawers. She placed a small pile of clean paper and a handful of used crayons on the desk and turned to face Rey.

“Can you show me a color that is your mom?”

She leaned close and held the paper in the space between their knees, a handful of crayons, palm-up for Rey to choose.

 

Rey stared, frozen.

She willed herself to choose, but her mind shut down. Red, black, green, purple, pink, they lay in Elizabeth’s waiting hand and Rey sat unmoving as she waited.

 

“Maybe this one?” Elizabeth asked after a few minutes, while Rey sat completely still. She looped the pink crayon across the paper, swirling twists as Rey watched, and met her eyes when she stopped.

Elizabeth waited as Rey stared at the paper, confused.

Why couldn’t she speak the language of art when it came to her mama? It was like opening an empty locker. Nothing was inside. She felt emptiness resonate through her as she sat wordlessly, watching as Elizabeth chose another color.

“Maybe this one?” she asked, dragging the green across the paper behind the pink.

Rey shrugged and her eyes filled again. She was failing this test, she just knew it, and this was even her specialty. Art.

She was supposed to _know_ this.

Maybe Elizabeth knew more about art that Rey had given her credit for. She’d found a place Rey where could not create, and that was more noteworthy that anything.

 

“It’s alright if it takes time to figure out,” Elizabeth said, placing the paper on the desk and meeting Rey’s eyes. “Or maybe that exercise won’t even work. Letting your feelings breathe is what’s important.”

 _Breathe, Rey!_ Her father’s words echoed.

“No feeling is bad,” Elizabeth said. “We try very hard to feel the way we think we _should_ feel, but in the end, that only ends up making us feel angry.”

 _Frustration is just another word for anger,_ her dad had said.

“And sometimes anger feels better than sadness. We can use it, weaponize our sadness, but if we’re trying hard to feel like a good girl all the time, we can feel out of control when we can’t get the weapon back under control."

 _You’re such a good girl,_ her father had said, _your mama would be proud._

“I wanna be a good girl,” Rey whispered. “But I’m...sad. And...I’m mad.”

Silence met her admission until she met Elizabeth’s sympathetic eyes.

“I’m mad my kitten ran away. I’m mad my dad let her out, and he was’t as careful as I would’ve been.”

Elizabeth nodded and Rey continued.

“I’m mad! She was the last thing I had of my best friend, Ben, and now he’s moving to Tallahassee and I’ve lost him and the kitten he gave me when we were together.”

She gulped and scooted around on the couch, gaining strength as voice gained volume.

“I’m mad the mean kids at school make fun of me for being poor and going to school on a scholarship and working part time because we need the money,” she said, voice strengthening. “I’m mad they got what they wanted and took Ben away from me, and now I’m being punished.”

Her jaw clenched as she got louder and her eyes were lit cinders as they flew from one ceiling tile to another as if her feelings were written there.

“I’m mad we moved here and I can’t visit the commune and put flowers on my mother’s grave. I’m mad our boat got destroyed and now, not only do we _not_ live on land _or_ sea, but in a dinky, little apartment next door to the 7-11!”

She was fuming and spiralling and it felt good to spin out, freeing. She met Elizabeth’s eyes and made sure they sparkled encouragement before she continued.

“I’m mad my mother died! I’m mad my father just let her! I’m mad she decided not to get chemo, even if it would have only given her a few more years because I needed her, and it didn’t even matter! I needed her and they both just let her die!”

She was being noisy, but no one was stopping her.

Her chest heaved as she panted, and Elizabeth sat calmly watching while Rey leaned back against the couch cushions, spent.

“It’s so hard when we know what we need, but we can’t get it, isn’t it?” Elizabeth asked.

 

_Yes._

 

“Feelings demand to be felt,” Elizabeth said. “One way or another, they find a way to show us what we need.”

Rey met her eyes as she leaned forward, touching Rey’s hands lightly.

“Anger is not bad, Rey. It’s just a feeling, and it isn’t bad. Feelings aren’t bad. They show us what we want. Who we are.”

 

_Who am I?_

 

“That’s how we put our heart back together when it’s been broken. We want...and we act.”

There were no words for the myriad of feelings Rey felt as she watched Elizabeth speak. Frustration gave way to acceptance.

“Be gentle with yourself today, Rey,” Elizabeth said, smiling kindly at Rey while they walked to the door. “I’m proud of you. This has been hard work.”

*********

“Ugh, that’s adorable,” Rose said around a mouthful of mint chocolate chip while Rey sorted clothes.

They sat trading bites of Ben & Jerry’s while Rey pulled items from the depths of another garbage bag, digging through unwashed items like buried treasure.

 

“Hold that up, lemme see,” Rose said, pointing to the skirt in Rey’s hands with her spoon. “Yeah, see? So cute.”

Rey nodded and looked at the tag. Rose was right, it was name brand and would go for at least fifteen dollars.

“That would look good on you,” Rose said, taking another bite of ice cream. “You’ve got the shape for clothes.”

“No way,” Rey shook her head, holding up another shirt from the bag. “Clothes just hang on me like a hangar.”

“Are you kidding? You’re like a model.”

“No, you’re the one with curves,” Rey said, folding jeans and tossing crumbled receipts and garbage from the bag into the trash bin.

“Curves,” Rose snorted, “sure, that’s what we’ll call it.”

“I’m serious. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know the first thing about being a woman.”

“Rey, come on,” Rose rolled her eyes as she dug into the bag and folded a skirt on the table. “You’re gorgeous and amazing and talented.”

“Thanks. I just,” she sighed, “sometimes I wish I had a mother to show me the ropes. Ya know? I love my dad and all, but...I’m just not always sure I’m doing the woman thing right.”

“Fett seems to think you are,” Rose said, stealing a glance at her friend.

Rey shrugged and pulled her lips aside. “I don’t know what I’m doing with him.”

“Well, he likes you. Maybe you like him, too?”

“Maybe.”

Rose dropped the shorts she was admiring into her lap and met Rey’s eyes. “I’m sorry you’re missing your mom.”

“Thanks,” Rey smiled shyly.

 

Something small lifted as she received the sympathy. A maxi dress caught her eye in the growing pile of second-hand clothes, and her fingers ran across the sheer black gauze. Bright blooms crowded the tiered fabric and Rey held it up by spaghetti straps as an impulse struck.

“I have an idea,” she said as she eyed the dress. “And I’m gonna need my phone.”

 

**********

 

“Are you sure?” the stylist asked. He held the thick braids above Rey’s head and met her determined eyes in the mirror. “This is a lot of hair.”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay,” the stylist said, shaking her head. “You may wanna close your eyes for this part.”

 

Rey squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. Her head wobbled as the scissors whispered through her roped hair.

Her eyes flew open as her head floated free on her shoulders as a smile crept across her face. Her eyes beamed larger behind her glasses as her face came into focus. The lightness made her dizzy. Without her long braids tethering her to the earth, she felt like she’d float into the heavens.

The braids that Ben had tugged were gone along with him, but not her memories, and not her drawings of his hands.

 

“I’m a bird,” she mumbled, wide-eyed and blissful as the stylist behind her began trimming her hair into the asymmetrical bob she’d shown him.

In the chair beside her, Rose snorted and shook her hair as the foils caught on her shoulders, looking at a magazine while her color set.

“You’re a knockout,” the stylist said as he ran fingers through her hair. “Can you take your glasses off please, sugar?”

Rey slid her glasses off and folded them in her lip. The white noise of the salon buzzed her brain while the blurry world took shape around her chair. Rey was lighter than air as the dead weight fell to the tile under her chair, and she smiled as she drifted.

 

********

 

“Woah,” Fett said. “Metal hair, Rey. Very metal.”

Rey grinned and hid her face, peeking between fingers as she met his eyes.

“Yeah? It’s not too much?” She touched the edges of her shorter hair where the tresses were tucked behind her ears self-consciously.

“It’s très chic. I dig,” he said.

“He digs,” Finn whispered to Poe who snorted into his root beer bottle.

Rey elbowed him as she hiked up her long skirt. The Renaissance Fair was crowded and colorful. Hopefully, Fett hadn’t heard Finn as they walked inside the park.

Face-painted children and jousting knights ran around the reinvented fairgrounds as Rey and her friends navigated the sandy Florida festival. Her long, black dress kicked up dust as she meandered between the stalls arm-in-arm with Rose, whose red-dipped hair shone bright against her white peasant top.

“My good woman, how stands the hour?” Fett said as he caught up to Rey. He bowed low and Rose quirked an eyebrow.

“What?” Rey asked.

“What time is it?” he said.

“Oh, uh,” she looked at her phone, and pushed it back inside her bag. “One-thirty.”

“Ah, let us away. We’ll miss the knights’ joust.” He offered an elbow to Rey who slipped her hand inside as Rose rolled her eyes and walked beside Rey, muttering.

“Where’s the bathroom?” Rose asked.

“The privvies are just here,” Fett said, swinging an arm to the port-a-potties.

“Great. Thanks.”

“Shall we away?” he asked Rey while she pulled her arm loose of his to wait for Rose.

“I’m gonna wait for Rose. She’ll get lost.”

“Ah. Well, fare thee well. I must away.”

He took a step and turned back to face Rey. “Want me to save you a seat?”

“Uh, sure,” Rey said. The sun was blazing and she was thirsty, she realized, with no desire to watch fake jousting. “Wait. Actually, no, thank you. I don’t want to.”

“Okay,” he shrugged, hurrying away. “Catch up with you later.”

“Where’s Lancelot?” Rose asked as she found Rey.

“Off to a tournament,” she said, offering her own arm to Rose, “I didn’t want to go do that. Come on, m’lady. I’ll find you a fried elephant ear.”

 

**********

_Sunshine,_

_This is so weird. I can’t remember the last time I wrote anyone a letter. Probably when I was nine and my uncle sent me a LEGO spaceship for my birthday, and my mom said I couldn’t put it together until I thanked him. That was the fastest thank you note in the history of LEGOs. This is weirder. How do you write to the best friend you haven’t talked to in six months?_

_Tallahassee is okay. It’s grimy here, I hope that makes sense. I haven’t seen anything but the condo, and the school I started, and my N.A. meetings. The weather’s a little cooler so that’s nice. We hardly get any cool weather at home, ya know? So it’s nice that it’s breezy here. Feels fresh._

_I like my N.A. group. We meet at a church two miles from school. I walk there after school for the 4 o’clock meeting. The adults were nervous around me at first. I could tell they weren’t sure if they should swear, which was hilarious. Bunch of addicts sitting around trying not to cuss. Comedy gold. They have the world’s best sugar cookies at meetings. I’m gonna get fat._

_I have to make Honor Roll, keep curfew, take a drug test weekly and answer to my sponsor. It’s not like I’m getting into trouble here, anyhow. It’s really hard not getting high when I think about the accident and everything, and my mom is taking me to her shrink next week._

_I miss you. I think about you so goddamn much, it’s embarrassing. I swear I can hear you laugh when I see your picture._

_Don’t forget me._

 

_Ben_

********

 

_Dear Ben,_

 

_If you think about me a lot, I think about you more. Trust me. People still haven’t stopped talking about Ben Solo and the Meltdown of the Century anyhow, so don’t worry, you couldn’t be forgotten if I tried._

_School’s fine. Poe and Finn are ridiculous, they’re into breakdancing stunts. Someone is definitely going to break a wrist. The twins are good - we’re going to see a new band next week in St. Pete, the kind you’d like. Wish you could come._

_I started seeing a therapist, too, a woman named Elizabeth and she’s amazing. Honestly, no one’s ever said the things to me she’s said. I hope yours goes as well for you, Ben._

_Nothing is right without you here. Nothing fits. I’m okay and all, I’m just lonely for you. I am learning to say what I feel, and that’s how I feel. Hope that’s okay._

_Did you know I came to see you in the hospital? Did they tell you that? I sat staring at your face while you slept for so long, I can still see you that way when I close my eyes._ _  
_ _Sometimes I do when I’m falling asleep._

_Come home soon. I miss you._

_Love,_

_Rey_

 

********

“What’s this?” Chewie said, nodding to the paint cans Rey held on her lap. She pulled the car door closed and balanced them on her thighs as her father pulled into traffic.

“From a friend. Fett. He had this extra paint, and he offered it to me, so I took him up on it.”

“Cool,” Chewie said, adjusting the visor as the mid-December sun streamed through the windshield.  
  
“I was thinking about doing a mural,” Rey said, looking cautiously at her father’s face. “In my bedroom.”

“You paint a mural, we won’t get our deposit money back.”

“You eat the deposit money, I don’t need a Christmas present.”

Chewie grinned and shook his head. “Already bought it for you, but okay. Paint your mural.”

“Thank you, daddy!”

Rey leaned over and kissed his grisled cheek as the half-filled paint cans sloshed on her lap.

********

 

“This is amazing,” Paige said, turning a circle in Rey’s room as she surveyed the massive work in progress. “Is that us?” She pointed to three angels hovering in a corner of Rey’s bedroom mural. Twin Asian cherubs linked arms with another girl between them, hazel eyes pouring tears as she gazed at the sky with a smile.

“That’s us,” Rey said, wiping paint from her hands on a colorful rag. She scooped up a trio of brushes and dropped them into a plastic bucket of water.

“Wow,” Rose said as she absorbed the scenes painted on Rey’s walls. The faces they knew were all there, caught in color as they surrounded the three girls. “It’s incredible.”

“Thanks,” Rey said, tugging her apron over her head.

“If only you could take it with you to Oregon next week. Show the schools you tour your work,” Paige said as they all flopped onto Rey’s bed.

“My dad’s documenting it, trust me,” Rey said as she flopped onto her back.

The walls of her room burst with color.  Bouquets of life popped from every inch of the black wall backdrop she’d painted as a base, starkly opposed to the pristine, white ceiling. Hospital white.

With the ceiling untouched, she could lay in bed and hear the hospital beeping in her memory.

If she was careful not to move, she could imagine Ben beside her.

 

“When do you go?” Rose asked, propped beside Rey. “To Oregon with your dad? When do you leave?”

“As soon as as I’m out of school Friday. It’s three long flights to Eugene from here. It’ll take till Saturday afternoon.”

“Lovely,” Paige groaned, standing.

“I’ll miss you,” Rose said as she pouted at Rey. “Two whole weeks off school and you’ll be gone the whole time.”

“I know,” Rey said, as she sat up, “but, my dad’s off work and this is my Christmas gift.  I gotta take advantage of the time off school.”

“Take your glasses off,” Paige interrupted. She grabbed a charcoal pencil from Rey’s dresser and cupped a hand under Rey’s chin. “Eyes closed,” she said.

Rey sat obediently as Paige drew the pencil along Rey’s lids. The cool pencil dragged the tender skin, and Rey peered into the mirror when Paige was done.

“Cool,” Paige said. “You’re a cat.”

Rey smiled and took the pencil, turning to Rose. “Let me practice on you.”

“Uh, put your glasses on first, please,” she laughed, “you’re blind as a bat!”

Rey laughed and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, tucking hair behind her ears as she leaned forward.

She could draw anything, She could _be_ anything. She just had to figure out what she wanted.

*********

The midwest was a patchwork quilt of farmland. Perfect squares of crops spread out like a blanket spread over Missouri, Kansas and Illinois. Once they flew above the Rockies, white-capped ridges and soaring peaks left Rey breathless.

The land shifted seamlessly from one climate to another as their planes covered the mileage, and by the time they’d flown over desert and landed in lush Oregon, it was a new day.

Florida felt a million miles away instead of just a few thousand.

The commune was exactly the same as they’d left it.

Small, uniform homes sat in a tidy line facing the orchards along the McKenzie and Willamette riverheads. The valley was green, the community welcoming, and Rey cried with joy as her mama’s friends embraced her.

She thought about Elizabeth telling her healthy people cried a lot, and laughed a lot, and she did plenty of both.

“Green fire,” Ahsoka laughed as she ambled through the apple orchard arm-in-arm with Rey, “that’s what we’d call Melody’s eyes when she was mad!”

Rey’s heart grew in her chest listening to her mother’s best friend tell stories about her.

“Oh honey, you look just like her,” Ahsoka sighed, tucking a sprig of fresh mistletoe behind Rey’s ear. “I just want to sit and look at you all day.”

 

Rey canned spiced pears with the ladies in the kitchen, rolled Christmas cookie dough with the commune children, and drank eggnog with her father after dark. The cold bit her fingers, and she pulled on forgotten woolen socks over her frigid toes.

When it was her father’s turn at her mama’s grave, he carved a heart with his pocketknife into the evergreen he’d planted there. Rey walked away and blinked at the stars as they danced into view, the grey, winter sky darkening in the winter dusk. The tune he sang carried to Rey’s ears anyway.

She pretended not to hear when his voice broke.

 

More than one college was impressed with her portfolio. Her favorite suggested three scholarships she should apply for, in fact, and Rey was ecstatic. Their enthusiasm convinced her immediately, and Ahsoka almost came unglued at the prospect of Rey accepting.

On the plane ride home though, as she watched the earth below turn from dense green to snowy white, and then muted browns before seeing the deep blue Gulf, she was less certain.

From above, Tallahassee was only a short jog away.

 

Home was more than one place now.

 

**********

 

“Hey,” Fett said as Rey answered the phone. “I have something really exciting to tell. Sorry to call while you’re working.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Rey said as she propped the phone against her shoulder. “What’s up?”

“So, remember that performance artist, Duchess, I told you about a couple weeks ago? The one who wears tin foil clothes and rolls through painted mud? She’s doing a show next weekend in Tampa at this cool, underground coffee shop. I thought maybe you’d wanna go with me.”

Rey stuffed the reject pile of unsellable clothes into a bag and righted the phone against her mouth.

“Huh. Yeah that’s...sounds like it’s really something.”

“Totally. You gotta keep up with trends if you wanna stay relevant as an artist. Make connections, stay inspired. Ya know. Growth.”

“Uh-huh.”

She pulled another pile of clothes onto the counter and began pricing as she listened. She’d skipped lunch, but if she hurried, she could still get Rex to make her some fries at The Buttery before closing.

“So you wanna go?”

“Next weekend is Valentine’s.”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, there’s a big party one of my friends from school is throwing, and I was thinking about going to that.”

“Why?” His voice was laced with disdain and Rey pushed offense aside.

“Sounds like fun,” she shrugged as she worked price tags onto clothing items. “It’s a holiday. Ya know?”

“It’s definitely not a holiday,” he chuckled. “It’s fabricated, corporate manipulation designed to take our money hostage and perpetuate the romance myth for the _sheople_ of the modern age.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Okay well, it still sounds fun to me. Don’t you want to go? You have something against having fun?”

“That doesn’t sound fun,” he sputtered, “more like juvenile and exhausting. The exhibit in Tampa sounds like fun.”

Rey put the clothes down and straightened her shoulders.

“Fett,” she said, “it’s been great getting to know you. An education. And I like being your friend, but you and I are just not a match.”

His shrug was almost audible in his answer.

“I know,” he said, defense raising his voice an octave.

“Okay. So...are we cool then?” Rey asked.

“Sure. I’m cool. It’s all good. Water off a duck’s back. No skin off my nose.”

“Okay,” Rey chuckled. “I’ll see you later.” She picked up the pricing gun and sped through the last pieces, glancing at the clock.

“Yeah, see ya.”

**********

“You coming to prom this year?” Poe asked. “I never did get a dance with you last year, mamacita.”

He spun her desk chair as he danced while she giggled and pulled her knees to her chest. She was getting used to drawing on a cat eye with liquid liner instead of hiding behind glasses every day, but the contacts still made her dizzy.

The mural swirled in bright colors as she laughed while he twirled her.

“Oh yes,” she giggled when the room stopped spinning. “And I got my dress all ready.”

“Show us!” He flopped onto her bed beside Rose and snagged a handful of popcorn as Rey pulled open her closet.

The vintage seafoam green dress was sleeveless lace from throat to knee, and Rey bought it on the spot from Maz when it came in. Last year’s lilac dress was sandwiched neatly in the back of her closet and she ignored it resolutely as she turned around.

“Voilà!” she said. “I’ll have a happy prom night, or die trying!”

“Atta girl!” Poe said, balancing on one elbow against her headboard.

“That’s the spirit!” Rose said, drinking a diet soda.

“You’ll look amazing and we’ll dance our asses off!” Poe said.

“Yeah! What he said!” Rey said, grabbing a fistful of popcorn. “Who needs boys, anyway?”

“Yeah!” Rose said.

“Hey! What about me?” Poe piped up.

“Present company excluded,” Rose said. “Duh.”

 

*********

“I can’t believe we’re seniors!”

“Can you believe it?”

“I can’t believe it!”

 

It was all anyone Rey knew talked about.

She was more than happy to be done with junior year, but while the rest of her class seemed content to lay on the sun-drenched beach all summer, Rey’s schedule was stuffed with work, art credits, and scholarship applications.

She smiled and played along as classmates poured through the Castle, buying sundresses and tank tops with abandon while Rey sweated over financial questionnaires and personal statements.

When July fourth rolled around, Maz insisted she take the day off. She grabbed the two-piece off the mannequin and shoved Rey out the front door.

 

“Go be a young person!” she’d shouted. “Don’t make me lock you out!”

It was a skimpier suit than she’d normally have the nerve to wear. She pulled on denim shorts over the bottoms and tied the halter bikini tightly before grabbing her blueberry and strawberry fruit cups and climbing into Rose’s car.

The music blared as hot wind rifled through her short waves as Rose raced to the beach.

The sand blinded her and the roaring surf greeted them as they dropped towels on the picnic tables. The entire senior class seemed to be present when Rey looked around.

Finn and Poe were well into a volleyball game versus two boys from their soccer team. Beside them, Paige was playing against Jyn and Phasma with a girl Rey didn’t know.

 

She shaded her hand over her eyes as she blinked in the sun.

A third game was underway on another sand court. Hux’s red hair shone unmistakably in the bright afternoon sun. Beside him, with a ball cap twisted backward above long, dark hair was a boy Rey knew well.

Well, he’d been a boy once.

 

_Now. Well. Look at him._

_Thank God he’s wearing a shirt._

 

He dove for a volley, and sand flew everywhere. Hux set the ball with fingertips as Ben scrambled to his feet, jumping to spike the ball.

He high fived Hux as he brushed sand from his shorts before tugging them up his thighs, squatting to watch for the ball.

 

Rey’s heart seized up as she watched him.

He looked good. Healthy. Whole.

He looked like Ben. _Her Ben._

 

“Oh Lord,” Finn muttered as he gulped down a water bottle beside Rey. She hadn’t moved since she spotted Ben, and only Finn’s knowing voice beside her shook her awake. “Here we go again.”

“Stop it,” she hissed, shoving him gently.

“You gonna go say hi?” he asked, nodding at Ben.

 

Ben’s arms were covered in sand, a fine layer visible even from a distance. He laughed heartily as he shook hands with the other three players, and Rey watched him chat his way to a cooler and down a Gatorade.

His ears would sunburn if he hadn’t sunscreened them. His hair was longer, but it suited him beautifully. Every part of him was exactly where she’d left them.

 

_Yes._

“Yes, I am.”

 

The towel stayed where it was beside her fruit cups on the table under a palm. She kicked off flip flops and her toes dug into the thick sand.  White dunes of sugary sand shifted as she walked deliberately.

She listened to the pounding waves as the music from dueling boomboxes competed for attention. A hundred seniors from school stood between them.

She weaved her way slowly between kids she knew were watching and when she heard his voice, his laugh, _Ben_ , she marched faster.

With his back to her, seated at a picnic bench he never saw her approach.

 

“What?” Q’ira laughed, head thrown back in noisy disagreement. “That’s a lie, Solo! No way!”

“Yes way! I’m serious!” Ben said, chuckling as Rey got closer. “I swear to God, I mean…”

 

At this height she could wrap her arms around his shoulders and pull him against her chest. He was sunburned and gritty, caked with sand after diving for the volleyball, damp with sweat and gulf spray.

Rey wrapped her arms around him before he could see her, and he froze under her arms.

When his hands touched hers where they hung over his chest, she held her breath.

 

“I know these hands,” he said.

Turning in her arms, he tugged her close and picked her up by the waist, legs dangling as he pulled her against his chest.

“There’s my guy,” she said against his neck as he squeezed her to himself.

Chocolate diamonds twinkled as he looked down at her and thick arms wound around her tightly. She grinned as she drank him in and buried her head in his neck, overcome with the need to pin him to the earth and never let him go.

 

“Get a room,” someone said as the crowd behind them groaned.

“These two again,” someone huffed.

Rey laughed as Ben dropped her to the sand and he reached to touch her hair as he slowly nodded his head.

 

“Here I am.”

 

************

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	7. Senior Year, Part 1

 

 

**Chapter 7**

**Senior Year, Part 1**

 

************

 

Between the crashing waves and the exuberant senior class behind them playing on the beach, Rey shouldn’t have been able to hear his words. 

The water sparkled joyfully and the seagulls swooped overhead. Foam raced up the shore to lick her toes, and her bottom sunk lower into the wet sand.

 

White cotton clouds paid homage as they slowly swept past the sun where it held court high in the noon sky. Rey gripped her fingers around her knees, rocking as the tide danced towards her and back out again.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?”

 

She bit at her lips to contain her smile as Ben’s eyes met hers.

Cheeks lit cherry pink from the bright summer heat, his dark eyes twinkled as he turned away, facing the water as they sat shoulder-to-shoulder.

 

“Wasn’t sure I was even coming till last night. My mom had to head down spur-of-the-moment, and I talked her into letting me come. That was more sweet talking than I’d done in a month.”

“Ya rusty?”

“Maybe.”

His playful eyes met hers again briefly before gazing back out at the water.

_Maybe._

 

“Well, I’m glad you’re here.” Her fingers plunged into the thick, shifting sand as it squelched around her hand.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Ben looked over his shoulder at her. The sun beat down on them, shoulders baking in the summer heat, but his look was so earnest Rey felt a chill sweep her skin.

“You’re a senior. This is your class. You should be here.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

A gull landed at their feet, pecking at baby clams as they raced to burrow into the sand when a wave retreated. It nudged at the ground and took flight when a wave bounded up the sand. The waves swept into Rey’s swimsuit bottoms as it curled around her.

 

“Well, I mean it. I…” she gulped and submerged her hands into the wet sand up to the wrist, fingers splayed under the sand’s weight. “Everyone missed you.”

Ben’s knees were propped under his elbows, hands dangling. His hat was still backward, wind ruffling the long hair trapped against his neck. Rey snuck a glance as his head dipped and hung, shoulders expanding as he breathed.

“I missed everyone here, too.”

When he looked up again, eyes on the water she followed his stare into the Gulf.

 

She’d floated in those waves.

Ruined eye makeup and sticky hair, she’d laid in those same waves after prom.

The sky was so dark that night. Only the quiet stars had blinked Morse code while she watched through tearful eyes.

 

A diving bird found its prey in the water as a rogue wave knocked Rey to her side, giggling as she righted herself.

“Woah!”

“You okay there, Sunshine?” Ben’s hand gripped her upper arm as Rey sat up, wiping salt water from her eyes. The sting made her blink, and she laughed as they watered in complaint.

“Yeah.” She tucked the flipped ends of her hair behind her ears and re-wrapped her arms around her knees.

“Big waves,” he chuckled as he stood, long legs unfolding as he offered Rey a hand. “Wanna take a walk?”

“Sure.”

Rey stood quickly, brushing sand away as she shaded her eyes, looking for a familiar face in the crowd of kids. Finding Rose, she signalled her plan and Rose nodded.

Falling into step beside Ben, she filled her nervous hands with shells.

She was too used to reaching for him, too aware of how it felt to touch him.

The ridged surface of a spiny shell kept her hands busy as she memorized its shape.

 

“You like your hair like this? Shorter?”

Rey reached to touch the ends, smiling as her heart skipped. “Yes?”

“You sure?”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe?” he repeated, smiling.

“Alright...yes. I like it. I love it, actually.”

“Yeah, I know ya do.  I can tell.”

Rey smiled and looked beyond him, tossing a shell into the waves.

“I love it, too.”

“You do?”

“Fuck yeah. It’s great. It’s Reyanna 2.0.”

She snorted an eye roll as the waves lapped at their feet, shells crushing as they walked.

“And the contacts?” he asked. “You get tired of the glasses, or what?”

“Oh, yeah. I just...it was time. Ya know? Time to grow up.”

She took a breath and pushed forward. “I wanted to practice seeing the world for myself. See things as they really are.”

Ben stole a look at her as they walked. The edges of his eyes crinkled as he regarded her.

_Wary?_

_Curious?_

 

“My therapist, Elizabeth, says I’m ‘thawing.’ My emotions have been frozen, she says, and now they’re all melting. My feelings about my mom. I’m trying to doggie paddle through,” she said, miming the action.

Ben’s eyes were on the space up ahead. Sand stretched beside the blue waves like an unrolled carpet, smooth ground littered with white shell fragments as far as she could see.

“I’m sorry about your mom. I don’t know if I ever said it before.”

“Thanks.”

She kicked at a wave as it tickled her arch, packing the wet sand as they stomped.

“Anyway, it’s cathartic. Like leaves falling off a tree. Or, like a snake shedding its skin. A rebirth almost.” She tossed another shell, watching as it sunk like a stone.

“Just cutting things loose, I guess. Cleaning up.”

 

“Deep,” he said, hands inside his board shorts pockets as they walked. He swung the baseball cap around, bill over his eyes as Rey snuck a quick glance. It shaded his face when she peeked, only his sun-kissed lips and angular jaw visible under his hat.

Rey shot another shell into the water.

“That what happened with me?”

Her steps faltered as they walked and she caught up, short strides hurrying to match his.

“What?”

“Did you need to cut me out of your life? Like dead weight?” His eyes stayed trained on the ground ahead of them as he walked.

“Ben. No -”

“Because it would make sense if you did,” he continued. “It’s not like I was doing anybody any good for a while there.”

“Ben - “

“I mean, I’m getting better. I’m nine months clean and sober, but…”

Rey cut him off and tugged his arm till he stopped walking.

“Did you know I came to the hospital?”

Ben blinked at her from beneath his ball cap, deep eyes searching hers.

“I sat there and held your hand for four days. Waited for you to wake up.”

 

_Begged you._

_Crawled up beside you on the bed, kissed your lips while you slept._

 

_Said I love you._

 

“My mom told me.”

“And?”

“I wasn’t sure I believed her.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I was drugged, Rey. Drugged and fucking traumatized. My mom was barely holding it together. Everyone was treating me like an infant. I had no idea which way was up.”

Her throat ached as she hurt for his memory. She should’ve been there for him.

 

“You hadn’t spoken to me since prom,” he said. “I spent three solid weeks drinking with Hux. Driving past your apartment. Parked outside the Castle trying to decide if I should go in.”

Rey’s heart sunk like her feet in the wet sand as they stood under the blazing sun. Her shoulders burned and her eyes teared up in the extreme bright light, blinking at him as she listened.

 

“And I don’t blame you. I was fucked up.”

She met his eyes as she frowned, wishing to reach out and touch him.

“I thought you were done with me. I thought you _should be_ done with me.”

“Ben, no.”

“I was so confused. And then I got on that plane with my dad.”

He huffed a sigh and looked away, his bare foot skimming an arc in the sand as they stood beside the crashing surf.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

His chin jerked up as he looked at her.

“For your dad. For not being there...leaving you to figure it all out on your own. We were best friends. I should have been there.” She bit her lip till she tasted blood and shook her head. "Of all the people who should have known what that's like, it's me." 

"Hey," he said quietly. "You were there. I was just gorked out of my head."

"I should have stuck," she said, arms crossed over her chest stubbornly. 

Ben shook his head and squinted up at the bright sky. “No. It's my fault. I shouldn’t have pressured you.”

“And I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

“No...I get it. I mean, you just wanted to be friends, but I wanted more. I should have listened.”

“But,” she sputtered, “I mean...I did want to be friends. We were. We _are_.”

 

She glimpsed the crashing water beyond Ben’s shoulders and drew a deep breath, kicking to stay above the waves that threatened.

“But I wanted more, too, Ben. I always wanted more. I just didn’t know how.”

“I should have been more patient.”

“You were a saint,” she teased, gently pushing his shoulder. “I was just afraid.”

“Why, though? Didn’t you trust me?”

“Yeah. I didn’t trust _me_.”

 

Something about the way he was looking at her split her heart down the center. Rey took a small step towards him and looked right back at him, eye to eye. No glass separating them anymore, no barriers.

“I wanted you in my life,” she said, voice unwavering as she spoke. The strong tide swept around her ankles in the moving sand. “I still do.”

He reached for the ghost of a braid where it had laid over her shoulder and tucked her hair behind one ear as Rey watched his face.

“I wasn’t brave then, but I’m trying harder now, Ben. Really.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He smiled and her heart radiated.

 

“You’ve always been hard to keep up with.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“You’re so smart. And sure of yourself. Since the accident...and everything after...You wanna see someone who isn’t brave? Or smart? You’re looking at him.”

Rey shook her head. “No. No way. I do not accept that.” She thought of all the times he’d pursued her, defended her, waited on her. All the things he smirked at, the people he continually forgave.

“Hate to disagree with you, sweetness, but nope.” He shook his head and shuffled his feet in the sand. “Trust me.”

“You don’t fool me, Solo. I know you.”

 

One step away from him, and she could see every inch of his face. She could feel his height and weight in a different dimension, almost smell his comforting scent of cologne.  
  
Heat emanated off him like a furnace, a flame she was gravitating towards. Hot as the sun, he silently tugged at her with just a glance.

His lips parted as if he was about to speak, but he shook his head and smiled instead. Rey fell into step beside him as he motioned with a jerk of his head down the beach.

 

“Sunny!” Poe called from the volleyball courts. “Come on! We need a fourth!”

She shrugged and Ben turned around with her as they headed to rejoin the crowd.

His arm hung loose around her shoulders, a move so familiar it made Rey’s stomach plummet. She tucked her fingers inside his belt loop as they walked, arm against his hip instead of crossed over her chest and walked tall.

Her bare feet flashed against the sand in time with his.

 

“Words,” he said.

“Huh?”

When she looked up at him from this distance he was close enough to kiss. His arm was heavy around her shoulder, fingers hanging a decent distance above her skin. The weight of him on top of her again held her feet to the ground.

“My shrink says I need to use more words. And ask for them, too. So, thank you.”

His shadowed face was just as she remembered. Under the cave of his billed hat, arm around his waist, she could imagine lifting onto toes to meet his lips. Turn into him and bring her other arm around his wide shoulders. Open her mouth to him.

“I think I needed to hear your words.”

 

_Would he run fingers through her hair?_

_Hold her close?_

_Would she hear him groan the way she remembered?_

 

She watched their matching footsteps as they walked up the dry dunes of powdery sand.

“I’ve still got to go back,” he said, stilling before they were within earshot of the volleyball courts.

Rey’s eyes flew to his as panic descended, a summer storm swirling in an instant. “To Tallahassee?”

Ben nodded. “Mom says I need to be clean one year before I move back. If my sponsor and my shrink agree, and all my drug screens are clean - and they will be - I can come home in three months.”

“Three more months.”

Her heart sprung a slow leak and he smirked as he pressed a sympathetic kiss to her forehead.

“It’s nothing.” He snapped his fingers. “It’ll go like that.”

“That’s...October,” she counted.

“Yeah.”

“But, you’ve been gone a long time already.”

“You gotten up to a whole bunch of trouble since then?”

“No,” she said, shoving his chest as she rolled her eyes. “Just...I’m here now.”

“Well, wait for me.”

 

“Rey!” Paige called, swinging an arm overhead to beckon her. “Come play!”

“I’m coming!” she shouted back. “You be here when I’m done? You’re not hot-footing it up to Tallahassee before this game’s over. Are you?”

“Maybe.”

She shoved him harder as she shook her head, and ran to the court as his laughter followed her.

**********

 

“Hey, P. Throw me a can?” Finn asked, reaching over Rey’s belly.

Paige tossed him a drink and he cracked it while Rey watched light dance over her closed eyelids. They laid facing the sky as the sun dipped lower, silver stars piercing the sherbet sky.

A noisy clump of kids neared, and Rey picked out one voice. She glanced to see Ben walking up the beach towards her towel. A few boys from the basketball team were with him, and Jess was at his elbow.

Before they could get too close, Rey slammed her eyes shut and faced the sky again.

 

“Ben,” Rey heard Jess pout, “come sit by me.”

Eyes closed, she was spared the effort to resist rolling her eyes. She worked to breathe calmly while her heart sped furiously, ears tuned for movement.

“Nah. I’m good,” he said.

 

Rey felt him collapse heavily beside her on the sand as she fought to conceal a smile.

When her heart rate was stable, she risked opening her eyes. The sky was deepening to charcoal at the edges. Only a few beams of leftover daylight reached through darkening skies as the sun slipped under the waves.

Rey turned her head and found Ben’s face beside her. She’d waited to see his eyes open four days while he slept, and here he was, laying beside her on the sun-warmed sand.

 

No waves could reach them this far from shore. No more floating.

No drowning.

Rey was on firm ground.

 

When he turned his head to meet her eyes, she laid still and let him look, and she drank her own fill of him, too.

The crowd chatted noisily around them as the sun fell into the Gulf. Music played in the distance, and a hundred kids partied while Ben smiled at her.  The sky changed from navy to pitch-dark and Rey pulled on a ratty, white tank over her bikini.

 

“I’ll write you?”

“Yeah, you will,” he said with a smirk, hands in his pockets.

She stood beside Rose’s idling car, hand on the open door as she procrastinated. His face was too red, he’d be in pain by tomorrow. She licked her sunburned, salty lips gently and wondered if his were salty, too, and stopped herself from moving forward to find out.

_Three more months._

“I...I…” she panicked, searching for a way to hand him her truth.

 

 _Words_ , Ben had said. _I needed to hear your words._

 _What do you need?_ her father had asked.

 

“Come back,” she said, reaching to hug him once more. “I miss you so much,” she whispered against his ear as she stood on her toes. “I’ll wait.”

Pulling back, Ben caught her her hand in his. Eyes closed, he kissed her knuckles before letting her hand fall.

Rey’s heart tore through her chest like the car rumbling against her propped arm. Rose pretended to be oblivious behind the wheel.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said as she climbed into the car.

He winked and tapped the top of the car as Rose pulled into the dark summer night, and Rey watched through the mirror as he shrunk from view.

 

She hung an arm out the window all the way home, fingers fluttering in the air as it streamed past the car.

Stumbling upstairs, sandy and tired, she rummaged for her apartment keys. Her eyes flew to the noise that greeted her as she stopped cold.

The familiar meowing of a grey cat Rey thought gone forever greeted her as she gasped. Lambchop licked her paws, unbothered as Rey dropped her bag and scooped the cat from the welcome mat.

 

A whimper escaped as she rocked the kitten under her chin.

The summer night thickened around them, and Rey unlocked the door, and rushed into the cool apartment wearing a smile.

 

Gravity would spin the Earth in its orbit, the sun would rise again, and things would always go back where they belonged.

 

*********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	8. Senior Year, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all know I gave you that cat back because I'm nice, and Mr. Berry did not approve my writing choices, but listen, Mr. Berry doesn't answer to my readers, I do.

 

****

 

**Chapter 8**

**Senior year, Part 2**

 

******

The charter bus hummed up the interstate as Rey watched the piney treeline blur.

Half the senior class was crammed into the musky seats around her, the other half on a matching bus two car-lengths behind. Finn and Rose sang along as Paige strummed a tune on the ukulele while the bus cheered and laughed.

When the noise reached a questionable level, a teacher shouted for them to keep it down, and the bus quieted for three minutes before amping up again.

 

“Oh my God,” Rose giggled, collapsing in the seat beside Rey when their group sing-along ended. “That was so fun. Whatcha doin’?”

She pointed to the pad of paper in Rey’s lap. The drawing sat half-complete, a starscape Rey had begun in a half-hearted attempt to get her mind off the trip’s destination, but it was no use.

Tallahassee may mean a number of things to the people on this trip, but for Rey it meant one thing, and one thing only:

_Ben._

 

“Oh. This? I dunno.” She shut the sketchbook and smiled at Rose, eyes flying back to the window. _A watched pot never boils_ , her father always said when Rey acted impatient. She turned her eyes from the scenery as it whizzed by, and laced her fingers in her lap.

“What do you want to talk about?”

Rose grinned, mischief twinkling in her brown eyes. “You nervous?”

“Me? Why?”

“Rey, come on. We’re about to arrive in Tallahassee in...oh,” she glanced at her watch,” like thirty minutes and see your ex-boyfriend. The one you haven’t seen in two months.”

“He’s not my ex. He’s Ben. Just Ben.”

“Fine,” Rose said, rolling her eyes emphatically, “well, are you a teensy bit excited to see ‘just Ben’?”

“Yeah. A little.”

“A little, eh? Does he know we’re coming?”

“I told him. His mom’s giving us the capital tour tomorrow, and he’s skipping school to come with us.”

“Just like old times. Rey and Ben, pretending they’re just friends while the rest of us go about our business.”

Rose grinned as Rey blushed slightly, tucking the end of her hair behind her ear.

“He’s coming back,” Rey said. Rose batted her hand away from her own hair, taking the hair comb from her as she climbed onto her knees. “Next month, if all goes according to plan. He’s coming home.”

 

Plastic teeth scraped her scalp gently as Rose slid the tortoise-shell comb against Rey’s head.

“There,” Rose patted her hair. “Gorgeous. Not that there’s any reason to freshen up.” She winked and pulled the seat in front of herself to stand, moving into the aisle. “Finn! What’s that song your grandfather never remembered the words to? The one you taught us at camp? You remember?”

The crowd buzzed with anticipation as the bus ambled forward. Rey sat on her fingertips and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Yellow painted concrete flashed under the bus as they drove north, and Rey forced down even breaths.

_Almost there._

 

********

 

“Welcome to our state’s capital,” Ms. Holdo said, handing out name tags.

 

Rey stepped off the bus steps and into the September, mid-day sunlight. The shocking heat of the city burned off the recycled chill of the bus ride, and Rey stretched as she pulled the lanyard over her head.

“It’s a Marriott,” Poe whispered as he stepped off the bus behind Rey, “not the Liberty Bell.”

Rey snorted a laugh and hefted a bag over her shoulder, heading for the hotel’s sliding doors.

“Hey.”

 

Her heart lurched as a familiar voice called from behind her. Swinging around, her eyes met Ben’s as he strode across the carport where Rey stood frozen. The hotel doors slid open and closed as classmates made their way to check-in, and Rey gulped as Ben approached.

_Was he always this tall?_

His lips slanted to a smirk as he walked towards her, thick arms swinging. Someone must have plugged her into an outlet, recharging on Ben’s personal brand of energy. His hair bounced when he walked, a shampoo commercial come to life.

She took speedy inventory of her appearance- smoothed hair, rumpled clothes - and beamed as her heart trotted.

His arms were around her in a minute, picking her up where she stood.

_Ben._

He smelled right. Felt right. His face was buried in her neck as her feet left the ground.

She wrapped her arms around his wide shoulders as he squeezed the breath from her lungs.

 

“You made it,” he said as her feet slid to the ground.

“You’re here!”

“Yeah. Told you I would be.”

She wasn’t going to be able to hold herself back, she could already tell.

She wanted to wrap a hand around the back of his neck and pull him down to meet her, press her lips to his. Rub her nose to his. Lace their fingers together. Every fiber of her body leaned into him.

Ben’s dark eyes glittered in the sunshine as he looped an arm around her neck, fist dangling over her throat as he tugged her closer to his body.

“Gimme that,” he said, taking her oversized duffle from her shoulder.

He swung it across his chest, never breaking stride as they walked into the hotel. Rey peeked up at him and brought her arms around his middle while she matched his pace. Hands lacing at his hip, she snuck a peek at his face as the air conditioning spilled over her, head to toe.

“Ay! Solo,” Hux said, sidling up to him. He slapped Ben on the back and smiled, ignoring Rey. “What’s up, man?”

“Hey, what’s up, Hux?” Ben smiled. His arm hung solid around Rey’s shoulders and she made no effort to move. “Welcome to Tallahassee, man.”

“So this is your stomping ground.”  
  
“Basically. The other side of town really, but yeah. This is it.”

“Cool. You gonna chill with us while we’re here?”

“That’s the plan.” Ben hand slipped around the back of Rey’s neck, warm and secure, anchoring her. She stood motionless as she listened, holding her breath as she waited for Hux’s disdain.

“Good to see you, Solo,” Hux said, pulling a rolling suitcase behind him as he walked to the elevator door. “Catch ya later.”

“Yeah, alright,” Ben called. “You need to check in?” he said, looking at Rey as he motioned to the counter.

“Um,” she stuttered, amazed she’d gotten away from Hux unscathed. “Yeah.”

“Rey Sunshine,” she said to the hotel employee behind the desk as she watched Ben greet friends behind her as she checked in. Guys smacked him and girls hugged him, the entire senior class catching up while Rey pushed down nerves and got her room key.

Ben stood with arms crossed over her duffle strap against his chest, wide grin as he chuckled and welcomed their senior class to his second hometown. Rey hung back for a moment.

She couldn’t head upstairs without her bag, and she didn’t want to interrupt the crowd around Ben, either. She flipped the key around in her palms while she paced. Before she could get too conflicted, she took a deep breath and walked up to Ben who stood chatting with three basketball players.

 

“Got my room key.” She held out a hand for her bag and smiled at Ben who took her hand instead, and nodded a farewell to the guys he’d been chatting with. “See ya,” he said as he took Rey’s hand. “I’ll walk you up,” he told her. “That okay?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, taking his hand in both of hers as they walked to the elevator. His palm wrapped around hers, huge and comforting. Without his fingers between hers, it was like he was cradling her hand.

“Missed you,” he said, meeting her eyes while they walked.

“Missed _you_ ,” she said.

Her head rested on his chest while the elevator ascended. The mirror they faced was fascinating. Ben and Rey stared back at her while they were lifted to the fifth floor, silently watching what they looked like together. A pair.

His chin rested at the crown of her hair as she leaned against him, pillowed against his firm chest. Rey wound her arms around him tightly and walked like that to her hotel room door once the elevator doors opened.

“See you later? At dinner?” she asked, one foot inside the room. Ben stood at the threshold, hands fisted in his pockets as he tossed Rey’s duffle into the room.

“Sure.”

“Hey,” Rose said, walking up behind Ben and punching his arm.

“Hey yourself,” he grinned. She winked at Rey as she slid inside the room, shoving her shoulder until Rey rolled her eyes.

“See you there,” he said, turning to walk back to the elevator.

“Ben,” Rey said, reaching out to clutch at Ben’s hand as he walked away, “I’ll miss you.”

“I’m not going far, Sunshine,” he winked.

She smiled as she closed the door, but she watched through the peephole till he climbed back onto the elevator, resolutely ignoring Rose who tossed pillows at her head.

 

*******

 

“What’s your new school like, Solo?” Poe asked as they dove into the crawfish boil spread out on the newsprint.

Rey dug between the piles of red seafood and sausage, picking her way to the vegetables. She pinched a corn cob gingerly, sniffing it before shrugging and taking a bite.

_Better than nothing._

“It’s okay. Nothing like Gulfside. You guys don’t know how good you have it,” he said, shaking his head. He speared a boiled potato and dropped it in front of Rey beside him, sparing her the trouble of digging through the meat.

“Yeah?” Paige asked. She rubbed her salted fingers on the paper napkin and reached for her Coke. “How so?”

Ben shrugged and rested forearms against the picnic table edge as Rey watched his face while he spoke.

“I dunno. People are different. They’ve all known each other. Ya know? Grown up together. The basketball team’s lousy. And the math teachers aren’t for shit.”

“Maybe so, but you don’t have to worry about Holdo,” Finn said, eyebrows arching as he exhaled hard and reached for another crawdad. “Such a piece of work.”

“She’s not so bad,” Ben said. “English is hard, but it’s important. Communication is essential. She’s just trying to arm us.”

“Wow. You’ve evolved, man,” Poe said, wagging a piece of corn at Ben from across the table. “Ya know that?”

“No choice. Had to.”

“Nah,” Rose said, eyes narrowing as she surveyed him. “You had a choice. You could’ve stayed angry and bitter. You lived through some hard times, Ben. You didn’t have to grow because of it. But, you did."

“Yeah. You could be all damaged and dark and shit,” Poe said.

“Uh, I _am_ damaged and shit. I’ve just stopped getting high.”

Rose eyed him carefully. “No. You’re maturing. I can see it,” she shrugged, biting into a crawfish.

“Thanks, Rose,” he smiled. He dropped another corn cob in front of Rey and nudged her knee with his own under the table when she met his eyes.

“I see it,” Rey smiled at him, scrunching her nose as she chomped on a potato.  His smirk made her heart jump.

“Proud of you, man,” Poe said, catching a crawfish Ben threw at his head.

“You miss him? Your dad?” Finn asked.

“Course.”

Rey’s hands stilled as she watched Ben swallow. His eyes lowered, studying the table. Dozens of kids grabbed for food where it lay spread out on the newspaper from one end of the table to the other, ten feet long, but Ben sat motionless for a moment.

“Shit, man,” Finn said. “I don’t know what I’d do without my dad. He’s a pain in the ass, but, still…”

“That sucks, buddy,” Poe said.

“It does,” Paige agreed.

Ben smiled slightly, reaching for a drink. He slurped through the ice, straw scraping at the styrofoam as Rey wiped her sticky fingers on the paper towel in her lap and took it from his hands.

“I’ll get it,” she whispered. A hand on his shoulder and she climbed out of the bench, meeting his eyes as she left to find him a refill.

“She missed you,” Poe said as Rey walked away, not yet out of ear-shot. “Tore her apart for a while.”

 

She waited in line for Ben’s refill too far away to hear the response, but it didn’t matter. Truer words had never been spoken.

 

********

 

“This building used to house the state’s chambers of Congress. You’ll get to see where some of our most important pieces of legislation were passed.”

Leia gestured to the domed, white building behind her. She stood on the wide, concrete steps framed by red and white candy-striped window awnings. Oversized sunglasses shaded her face as she greeted the senior class who stood in the sweltering heat.

They meandered the musty hallways and board rooms, past huge theaters and art exhibits. Portraits of past governors lined the walls and Rey peered closer more than once to study technique.

 

“Picking up any good pointers?” Ben whispered, ducking to tease her.

Rey elbowed him and snickered, shaking her head when he tugged her hair or pulled her by the belt loop.

“C’mere,” he said as they entered the 22nd floor observatory. All of Tallahassee lay below, a sprawling city at their feet.

“Wow,” she murmured. The sun glinted off the downtown rooftops, shimmering like a desert oasis.

“Sometimes you can see the Gulf right over there,” Ben stood behind and twisted her hips with his hands. She followed his line of sight, eyes falling on the distant line of blue at the horizon.

His hands rested on Rey’s shoulders, warm through her t-shirt. Their class scurried around exhibits, snapping selfies in front of the huge, picture windows while teachers reminded them not to lean on the glass.

“Where’s your house?” Rey asked, eyes on the city beyond the windows.

“Right there,” he said, pointing past Rey’s shoulder.

“And your school?”

“That...tall building. Right there.”

“And what about your meetings? Where are those?”

“Can’t see from here, but, see that grey building right there? Behind the steeple? It’s right there.”

“Wow,” she repeated. “This is sort of amazing.”

“It sort of is.”

“I love seeing this.”

“I love you loving it.”

“It’s good to see where you’ve been. Where you were all this time. Ya know?”

Ben nodded behind her and Rey leaned into him, arms crossed over her chest. The bright light glazed the city in muted tones, blurred in the late summer heat.

When Holdo announced they were leaving, Rey looped her arm through Ben’s as they headed for the stairwell. A hundred sets of deafening footsteps echoed as the class headed downstairs, and Ben and Rey stayed in step with one another.

********

 

Rey scooped up a handful of her maxi dress as she sat down on the bus. The college drama department production started in one hour’s time, and she was still trying to cool down after her quick shower.

Cheeks pink from rushing, she scooted in beside Finn on the bus. Loose tendrils fell stubbornly as she worked them back into her bun with a huff.

“Finn,” Ben said, one and on the back of the seat in front of them, leaning over, “switch with Hux? Please?”

“Nah, man,” he said. “Just sit here. I’ll figure it out.” He stood and pushed past Rey, dragging her skirt with him as he moved past her.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You guys have at it.”

“Thanks, Finn,” Rey said as she bounced towards the window and Ben slid in beside her.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, making his way down the aisle.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You look amazing,” he said, twisting in the seat to see her. Long arms caged as they landed on either side of her. His face glowed at Rey as heat burned her ears. She blinked at him as a shy wave flooded her.

“You, too,” she breathed.

“Aw. This old thing?” he asked, winking as he settled against the bus seat. His hair curled over the edge of his collar and Rey reached out to touch it.

 

 _Same._ _It felt the same._

She shook slightly as her hand ventured deeper into his hair, threading locks through her fingers. The bus lurched into motion and the lights flipped off.

Rey took her time, touching his hair while the kids around them shouted and screamed, and Ben held still. A movie played on the overhead TV, and car lights flickered outside the windows as they drove.

Her memory skipped back to the last time she’d been afforded time to touch him.

 

“I did this in the hospital,” she said. “Just like this. Over and over.”

Ben met her eyes in the inky darkness as the bus jerked down the road and he gripped the seat in front of them.

“I begged you to wake up. Read to you. Told stories. I waited, Ben,” she said as she tugged, fingers wrapping into his hair. “I waited.”

“Rey…”

“Wait,” she said, gulping, focusing on her hand as she ran her fingers through his hair again. “I want you to hear this.”

Ben nodded as her heart raced in the dark. A squeal of noise from another seat on the bus interrupted and Rey steadied herself.

“As soon as Poe called me, I knew it was a mistake. Pushing you away. The second he said you were hurt...I wanted to turn back time, take it all back. I spent four days telling you all the reasons. Hoping you’d hear me.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you,” he said, exhaling slowly. “I missed that.”

His hand dropped to Rey’s knee and she watched as his fingers traced circles across her skirt. “By the time I woke up, I was out of it, but baby, I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have done that to you at prom.”

Rey nodded and lowered her eyes as she remembered the dance.

“Hey. Look at me.”

His eyes were pitch black when she met them. Head lowered, he took up all her vision as he squeezed her knee. The world shrunk and headlights illuminated his features as they swept past.

“Reyanna, you know what I thought that first day in high school, when I saw you? In English class?”

He looked between her eyes as she studied him, waiting as he came even closer. He smelled like mint gum and familiar cologne, and Rey wanted to wrap herself around him, bury her face in his chest and breathe him in.

“I thought to myself, ‘that? Is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.’”

Rolling his forehead against hers, Rey slipped her hand to cup the back of his neck and closed her eyes. Ben pulled her closer and tucked her beneath his chin, and she slid her hands down his back, tucking them into his back jeans pockets.

When the overhead lights flickered on, he took her hand to head down the bus aisle and Rey floated into the college auditorium behind him.

 

********

 

The indoor pool was even louder than the capital observatory stairwell.

Playful senior class shouts and indignant squeals echoed noisily, reverberating endlessly. The whole space reeked of chlorine, and everything was slightly damp.

Rey fell exhausted onto a strapped, plastic lounge chair as her classmates played another round of volleyball. She was waterlogged and out of breath, heaving in the thin, white hotel towel she wrapped around her bikini.

She watched as Finn, Poe and Ben splashed Rose until she climbed out and laid on the same lounge chair as Rey and they laughed themselves into a stupor as the chair collapsed underneath them.

When they took the elevator up to her hotel floor, they cried tears of laughter, falling over themselves to explain how they’d been tangled in the straps.

“Ben,” Rey said, pulling the hotel room door until it was cracked behind her. She held the towel knot in her hand as she tugged him by the waistband against herself.

A few more hours and she’d be gone, heading south without him for another month and a half.

His naked chest glistened as pool water fell from his dark hair, dripping down his bare shoulders. Rey slipped a hand around his neck as he wrapped his arms around her and the hotel room door clicked shut behind her.

When she pressed her lips to his, soft and then firm, and then insistent and pleading, pushing all her repression and ardor and need at him, pressed tightly against him in the hallway, she was lost and found.

He cupped her face as she ran hungry hands up his back, along the towel at his waist, across his muscled arms. There wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough, she couldn't get enough.

Giggling kids passed them in the hall, puckering annoyingly as Ben pulled back and watched them jog away.

His thumbs brushed her cheekbones as her eyes slowly opened and met his. Hair hung in his eyes and she reached up to kiss his nose, his cheeks, his lips once more, still ravenous.

 

“Almost there,” he said. “One more month. Two at the most. Almost done.”

Rey nodded as he kissed her once more, lightly, even as she drew her nails across his back.

“Almost there,” she repeated as she traced his lips with her fingers, sighing as she stepped into the room.

 

_Almost._

 

***********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://strawberrycupcakehuckleberrypie.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/berrywrites)


	9. Senior Year, Part 3

****

 

**Chapter 9**

**Senior Year, Part 3**

 

**********

 

It happened overnight.

One day, Rey was a high school senior with a job, an A- in Calculus, and a beat up VW Rabbit.

 

The next day, she walked into first period study hall and her heart squeezed into her throat when she saw him in the third row.

Twirling a pencil as he bounced a knee, legs splayed out under the tiny desk. Her fingers fanned as she stalked to his desk holding her breath, and she threw her arms around his neck before he even looked up.

And senior year began for real.

 

“You’re here,” she whispered into his hair as he wrapped strong arms around her hips.

“Hi,” he said, grinning as she pulled back to see his face.

“Take a seat,” Mr. Wexley called lazily as he sipped coffee behind the desk without looking up.

She was still smiling down at him when Q’ira bounced into the classroom.

“Hey, Solo. They finally let you out of jail?” Her curled ponytail swung as she slipped into a seat and Rey felt Ben squeeze her fingers as she took the seat beside him.

“Yeah. Back for good.”

A spiral notebook, a black ink pen, a travel mug of tea. Rey sorted her desk as the bell rang and scratched at the dried paint on her index finger. Her fingerprints would disappear before she could use enough spirits to scrub them clean again.

“You seen Hux yet?” Q’ira caught her eye, watching as Rey tucked hair behind her ear.

“Naw. I’m taking it slow. Easing in. Just got back.”

 

She scribbled the date on a fresh page, tugging frayed paper from the metal spiral. Q’ira’s eyes bore a hole in her skin as she sat swinging a foot into the aisle, elbow propped on Ben’s desk as she watched Rey.

“Yeah. Must be so weird coming back here after all this time. Everything’s so...boring.”

“Feels good to be home, actually,” Ben said. “I missed it.”

Q’ira snorted. “Please.” She rolled her eyes as Mr. Wexley walked to the door and pulled it closed. “This place? Nothing worth missing here.”

She twisted beneath her desk and Ben caught Rey’s eye. She finished scrawling her first row of Anatomy notes and his warm eyes crinkled as he smiled.

 

It had been hot all summer.

Sticky, searing, even scorching. Breezeless days and sweaty evenings, days when the Gulf waves were warmer than bath water. Ben’s smile at Rey though, a week and a half before Thanksgiving was like melted candle wax spilling inside her body. A match struck a flame in her belly and liquid heat spread out, sliding over every surface.

“Everything I need’s here.”

 

*****

 

“Ben’s back.”

She didn’t even try to stifle her grin, couldn’t have contained her bliss if she tried. Rey sat down beside Maz on the stool behind the counter and her boss arched her brows over her glasses.

 

“Is he, now?” She looked back down at the money bag and sorted the change into rolls, handing Rey the green pouch once it was zipped.

“Uh-huh. Yesterday. He came home. Finally.” Her cheeks ached with a wide smile as she leaned elbows onto her bare knees and propped her Converse on the rungs. Her chin balanced on knuckles while she bit her lip, smiling at Maz.

“I see someone’s happy about it.” Maz crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the wall to watch Rey beam. “You look like the cat that got the cream.”

“I don’t know what that means, but I’m happy,” she sang, twirling her way to the door. “Money - I’m taking the money to the bank, dear Maz! Goodbye! Goodbye!” She tossed a dramatic kiss with a flourish as she pushed the glass door open, her tan school uniform skirt falling stiffly against her thigh as Maz shook her head and the door’s bell chimed overhead.

 

*****

 

“Reyanna, this is fantastic. Are you ready to submit?”

Mrs. Mothma sat studying her starscape as Rey watched her face for clues. If her teacher agreed, this piece would accompany her scholarship applications for college. If not, she was back to square one.

“Do you - do you think I’m ready to submit?”

Her teacher straightened and handed the parchment back. “It’s not about what I think, Rey. It’s about what you think. You’re the artist.”

“I know. I just...I’ve never done this before. So, I don’t know if - if…”

It really could use more work. Ever since her trip back from Tallahassee she’d worked on this drawing, scratching her worries into the details with tense hands. It was time to submit and this was her most recent work. When she looked at it though, all she could see were errors, things she would change, a place she’d have done things differently.

“I think it’s excellent and a worthy submission piece to any competition so yes. If you’re ready and this is the piece you want to submit, I support that decision.”

Rey met her mentor’s eyes and sighed. “I just...I can’t decide.”

“You’ve got a couple more weeks, dear. Don’t stress yourself. What’s important is you’re comfortable with what you choose, but don’t linger.”

“I won’t. I will. I mean…” Her eyes were still glued to her artwork as she nodded in agreement. Bright starshine pierced the inky sky, like the sky over the waves she’d floated over in a lavender dress. Maybe that’s why it made her sad to study.

“May I ask - are you still seeing Elizabeth? The counselor?”

Rey’s head jerked up and she hurried through excuses. “I am. Yeah. Or, I mean, I did. It was good. She was great, but I’m so busy now, and I - I need to, though. I’m going to. I will.”

Her teacher smiled and laced her hands together on her desk. Rey tugged her bag further up her shoulder as Jyn stepped up to the desk beside her.

 

“Mrs. Mothma, can I talk to you?”

“Just a second dear,” their teacher said. “Rey, don’t feel obligated, of course. I’m just interested in supporting you in whatever way you need.”

“Thank you, I - “ she stole a glance at Jyn who stood staring at their teacher, steadfastly ignoring her completely, “I’ll get back to you.”

“You’re a formidable and terrific talent, Rey. I have every faith in your abilities.”

 

That was not the conversation she’d expected to have with her art advisor, and her forehead fell against Ben’s sternum when she stepped into his arms.

“That bad?” He chuckled as she groaned slightly, falling into step beside him as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“What am I gonna do?”

She felt like whining. It was nearly too late to start over, and nothing she had created in the past felt good enough. Annoyance pulsed as Ben kissed her temple and they wove through kids between classes. Her fingers wound into the belt loop at his hip and her head bounced on his shoulder miserably as they walked.

“You got this, Sunshine.”

“I don’t know. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I figure this out?”

“One day at a time, baby. It’s gonna work out. I know it.”

“Since when did you become so optimistic, huh?” She lifted her head to see his profile while they walked, watching as he lifted a chin to nod at people who called to him.

“What do you think they say at my meetings everyday? One day at a time. Grant me the serenity to change what I can, and to accept what I cannot...the whole thing.”

“I need inspiration though, not serenity.” She was pouting, but he could take it. He’d have to, this was too frustrating for Rey to pretend to be chipper.

“You’re gonna figure this out, Reyanna, I know it. You’re an artist, always have been.” Rey shot a doubtful look at him as they walked down the wide, wooden staircase. “You’re gonna get inspired. Trust me.”

 

******

 

“She’s yar,” Rey said approvingly, patting the sailboat’s bow. It bobbed in the water, weathered red stripe along the gunwale.

“Yeah?” Her father squatted on the pier and eyed the rudder at the back of the boat. “I think so. And I’m getting a great deal on her. Should be worth it, so long as I get her seaworthy.”

“Well, she’s pretty, Daddy. I like her.”

 

Her dad loved the water like Rey loved few things on Earth, and he’d missed having a boat of their own. The smile under his wiry, graying beard made all the ramen noodles and rice and bean dishes they’d lived on for a year worth it.

“I like her, too. Think I could live on her, if it comes to it.”

“Daddy, get real. How would we both live on this little sailboat? Come on. And what about Lamby?”

Rey smiled and shook her head as her dad stood, eyeing the hull and reaching for the boom as he walked alongside the small boat.

“You’ll be off at college in a few months, kiddo. I may not even stick around here, come graduation. I’m pretty portable, you know. I can pack up and dock nearby just about anywhere you head.”

 

He patted Rey’s hair as he walked by and her smile faded as he rounded to the port side.

“Oh.”

“Speaking of - you send off the submission yet? To Oregon?"

She’d never been seasick a day in her life, not even when she’d first lost sight of land when they’d left the west coast, headed for Florida. Deep sea fishing and long nights rocked in their houseboat far out in the Gulf water felt far better than the gut-swirling discomfort that flooded her as he spoke.

“Not yet.”

“Better get on it, honey. Time and tide wait for no man,” he said, adding with a wink, “or woman.”

She met his eyes with a weak smile as her dad glanced her way, too belated to be authentic. Orange and purple streaks painted the sky as the sun set beyond the dark water, a yellow disk sinking fast, and Rey shivered as a breeze rustled past the ends of her hair.

******

 

“I already have a car, you know.”

“I know.” She could hear the smile in his voice even if she couldn’t see anything. He tightened the bandana around her eyes and straightened her hair, untangling it as she stood waiting. “It’s like sixteen thousand years old, but I know.”

“Hey - “ she reached for where his arm should be and whacked his bicep. “I bought that with my own money!”

“ _Ow!_ I know!” He teased, leaning to kiss her forehead as he laughed. “And it’s adorable. Really. Might not make it to New Year’s, but sure - _ow!_ Okay, I’ll stop. I’ll stop.”

“So, my Christmas present is in your garage, but it is not a car.”

“Nope,” he said. Rey’s fingers laced with his as he pulled her up the driveway. “Not a car.”

“Is it a bike?”

“Nope.”

“A basketball?”

“Not a basketball. Though, I would like to play some one-on-one with you again soon.” He lowered his voice to a rumble while Rey snorted and held out her other hand to feel for barriers.

“Is it a...oh! I know! Is it a skateboard?”

Ben stopped and she could almost hear him cock his head. “Reyanna Meridee, get serious. You must think I am the world’s worst boyfriend to get my girl a fucking skateboard for Christmas.”

 

She bit her lip under the blindfold at the word - _boyfriend._

After all that drama, all those tears as sophomores it was the most natural thing that had ever happened between them when Ben had whispered _please be my girlfriend, Rey, please, please don’t say no to me_ and she’d nodded her agreement against his lips. _Please be my boyfriend Ben, please, please._

She’s ended up in his lap topless after that, panting as she ground down on him while he licked her nipples into his mouth.

Technically, her jeans had stayed on, even if his fingers were buried inside her panties, tickling her clit while she climaxed in his hand. Technically, when she’d sunk to her knees and sucked his cock while he moaned and thrashed on the couch watching her, and she pinned his hands to the cushions and swallowed, she was just making up for lost time.

She loved her boyfriend.  
Ben was still the most natural part of her life, easy as breathing.

 

“If you’d gotten me a skateboard for Christmas, it would mean you want to have fun with me, and that would make you the greatest boyfriend ever.”

He huffed a laugh and tugged her shuffling feet forward. “Not after that birthday party you threw me. That was a sick night, baby.”

“Yeah," she breathed, grinning. "It was. Wasn’t it?” She smiled proudly beneath the blindfold, humming with satisfaction. It really had surprised him, and everyone had loved the bonfire. Rey had spent far too much of her money on that event, but she couldn’t think of anyone who deserved it more or expected it less.

“So, no. It’s not a skateboard. Or a tricycle. Or a pogo stick, or a ping pong table, or a unicycle. Come on. Few more steps.”

She wrapped both hands around Ben’s left arm, clinging as she listened to him click on the overhead lights. His lips on hers startled her for a moment, and she sunk into his arms as he reached back and untied her blindfold.

“Keep ‘em closed.”

“K.”

“I’m serious. No peeking.”

“I’m not.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Bennnn.”

“Okay, okay. On three. One...two...three.”

Her eyes fluttered and adjusted inside the bright garage. A huge canvas stretched atop an easel with a pallet and brushes beside sat waiting. A gooseneck lamp pointed at the pristine, white canvas, and Rey’s breath caught in her throat.

“Ya like it?”

“Ben,” she whispered. She walked slowly to the woven carpet spread beneath the workspace, mouth hanging open as she touched the rolling stool beside stacks of sketchbooks and piles of paints and pencils. “For me?”

“Yeah, baby.” He chuckled and Rey turned to bury her tearing eyes in his chest as he held her close. “You don’t think I’m gonna use all this, do you?”

“Ben - it’s too much.”

“It’s not even _close_ to too much.”

“But, your mom…”

“My mom thought it was brilliant. She knows you’re an artist. And, you said you needed some inspiration. So - I thought...do you - like it?”

She pulled away to see his face, throat aching as she watched his eyes soften while she struggled to speak.

“It’s the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I love it. I love it so much.”

 

His smile against her mouth was sweeter than candy, and Rey breathed in as much of him as she could.

“Merry Christmas, Reyanna. Come here. Sit. Try it out.”

She swivelled on the red cushion, picking up paintbrushes as she posed theatrically. It felt surreal, pretending to be a great artist, acting like she knew what she was doing.

“You look good like this.”

“Yeah?” She grinned and swung around, picking up the black paint jar and shaking the liquid.

“Yeah. Come over and paint me a picture sometime. Anytime. All the time.”

“How ‘bout right now?” She cracked the jar open and peered inside. Rich color folded on itself as she tipped the paint one side to the other and she put down the brush.

“Now?” Ben stepped closer.

“Yeah. Now.”

One finger dipped into the black paint and a single line trailed across the perfect, white fabric. Ben knelt beside her and she held the jar out to him.

“Wanna help?”

“You’re the artist.” He shook his head, but Rey pulled his hand closer and dipped his finger inside the paint, tugging him by the wrist to the canvas.

His painted finger trailed beside hers, twin, dark parallels aiming the same direction.

 

“Now you’re an artist, too.” She met his eyes as he leaned close to kiss her and their paint-stained fingers curled around one another.

“Another?”

“Please.”

Every finger was used, every edge was covered. Their hands slid against one another, slick with black paint until every spot had been touched by them both. Dark hands caressed one another against the canvas, two shadows moving together as they covered one another.  
The perfect dark backdrop dried while they washed hands and escaped inside, and Rey had never enjoyed waiting for paint to dry so much.

“Thank you for my Christmas gifts,” she said while he pressed his erection to the seam of her panties as she sprawled on the couch under him. Her hands trailed his naked shoulders while he sucked on her neck, and she moaned when he grazed her nipple through her lace bra.

“Thank you for being my girl.”

When they climbed off the couch the first time, she dragged him back down, too aroused by the way he ran a hand through his hair, too aware of how long she’d missed seeing that simple action. He’d crushed her into the cushions for another half hour, whispering with her about art and dreams and love - about anything but senior year.

 

“So. We had the dark. Now, we just add light,” Rey said as she shook a jar of paint.

She sat on Ben’s knee and traced an arc of yellow across the dark background, brighter because of the depth the black offered behind it.

“I love it.” Ben hugged her waist and pressed a kiss to her neck as she cocked her head, putting her brush down.

“I love you,” she said, turning to capture his lips with her own. “Thank you.”

 

Turquoise, magenta, pink. Layered like that, the colors looked perfectly beautiful, Rey had to admit.

It was impossible to tell whether they’d created a sunset or a sunrise.

 

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	10. Senior Year, Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more Senior Year chapter

 

Chapter 10

Senior Year, Part 4

 

*****

 

Hux basically quit being a dick.

  
Maybe it was because he was used to seeing Rey beside Ben when they paused between classes to speak about chemistry homework. Maybe Rey made Hux laugh once when she rolled her eyes at Ben. Maybe they were all growing up, leaving behind petty competition.

Or, maybe it was something else.  
  
Rey squinted into the lunchtime sunshine as she popped a green grape into her mouth, handing the plastic bag of fruit to Ben where he lay lounging with his head in her lap. Hux dropped onto the grass beside them and no one skipped a beat.  
  
It was almost a routine now, Hux coming around the final ten minutes of lunch. Somehow, everyone had made space for him to join even if no one wanted to ask why he showed up every day.  
Maybe it was because he had matured.  
  
Rey had a feeling that wasn’t all it was.

“What about you, Rose?” Hux gestured with his chin towards her as he spoke up. “What’s next year looking like for you?”

“UF, baby,” she said without missing a beat. “Pre-med for sure.”

“Really?”

“Heck, yes!” Rose said. “Early decision last year, already schooled up and ready to rush Tri Delta, come fall.”

  
“Wow,” Ben said from Rey’s lap as he munched a grape, turning to see Rose. “That’s a hell of a plan ya got there already, Tico.”

“Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya?” Rose giggled. “Our mom was a Tri Delt. It’s in my blood.”

“And medicine, huh?” Hux asked. “Awfully confident in our academic prowess, are we?”

 

Hux had basically quit being a dick, but not completely.

 

“Yep. Surgery. I’ll be slicing and dicing in no time,” Rose insisted, unfazed by Hux’s insinuation. She waved a pretzel rod in the air and poked at Finn’s belly.

“Scary.” Hux faked a hearty shiver as Finn batted Rose’s imaginary scalpel away. “What about you, Dameron? Got any impressive plans percolating?”

“Meh.” Poe snapped gum between his sparkling white teeth and threw a tennis ball against the wall at an angle, catching it when it boomeranged back into his hands. “Probably try for the police academy after I get some community college done.”

“Public service, eh? I didn’t take you as the type.”

Poe caught Hux’s eye as he caught the ball mid-air, turning it over in his palm before tossing it against the wall again. “What of it?”

Hux shrugged. “Always took you more the hoodlum type, I suppose. Lawbreaker, as opposed to an upholder.”

“Why? Because he has brown skin?” Paige asked, narrowing her eyes at Hux. Rey swallowed a grape as the group grew quiet and Paige stared down Hux.

“Next thing you’ll call him is a thug,” Finn said. “That right?”

Hux swallowed visibly and glanced around before meeting Poe’s eye where he sat watching with the tennis ball stilled in his hand. “No.”

Poe held his stare as everyone waited and tension surrounded them like a fine mist.

“Might call him a bad boy, though.”

 

Rey felt her eyebrows lift as she watched Poe’s eyes glitter faintly at Hux. Maybe there was a reason Hux had warmed to Rey, had started frequenting their neck of the woods. Poe threw the ball against the wall and the spell broke.

“Works for me,” Poe said with a shrug as he chucked the ball harder. “Bad boys was that cop movie with Will Smith back in the day, anyhow.”

Finn broke into song and Rose joined for a line before Ben sat up and threw a grape at his head.

Apparently, Hux had ulterior motives in cozying up to their lunch group.

 

“Any movement on your art submission Rey?”

This really was the worst part of senior year. All she wanted was to enjoy it, savor every experience of senior year left with Ben and their friends, but somehow their conversations inevitably circled back to college plans.

She drained the Coke can in her hand and Ben reached for it before shooting it into the trash bin.

“Two points.” She grinned at him and he kissed her with a grin.

“Yes? No? Art school?” Paige interrupted.

“Not yet. Nothing yet.”

“Isn’t it soon? It’s almost Valentine’s Day, Reyanna. Shouldn’t it have been in, like yesterday?”

“Mmhmm, yeah. Soon,” she murmured, and then turned to Ben. “Want to come with me? I have to go turn in my anatomy paper before sixth period.”

“Sure, babe,” he said as he stood, offering Rey a hand. She brushed her skirt against her legs as she pulled a messenger bag strap over her head and threw her brown paper lunch bag into the trash.

“You guys be at my place on Saturday?” Finn asked as Ben took her hand.

“Yeah, course. Bye, guys.” Rey blew a kiss and walked away with Ben, grateful to leave college conversations fading behind where they belonged.

 

*****

 

She didn’t need to buy a new top for Finn’s Valentine’s Day party, but that didn’t stop Rey from handing Maz a crisp ten dollar bill and grinning like she’d won the lottery.

Pale pink and off-the-shoulder, Rey folded the delicate shirt tenderly before tucking it inside her bag behind the counter. The great advantage of working at the Castle was seeing items as they came in and calling dibs.

It wasn’t everyday Rey let loose and kicked back.

Between homework, work at the Castle and chores at home, Rey was keeping a breakneck pace. Her friends whined every weeknight she wouldn’t come out with them, and she’d barely seen her boyfriend in days.

Chewie’s money was wrapped up in the boat, and Rey worked as much as possible, stashing all she could for rainy days. A night off was just what she needed, and the pink top showed just enough skin.

It would drive Ben out of his mind.

 

“Love you.” Rey waited until he stopped coughing and leaned over his recliner arm to peck his cheek.

“Home by midnight, kiddo.”

“You know it, daddy-o.”

 

She ruffled Lambchop’s ears as she stepped through the front door, dropping her keys into her purse as she swung around the landing and pranced downstairs. Rey smiled broadly when Ben did a double-take, looking up from his phone where he sat behind his steering wheel. She jogged down the apartment building stairs while he watched her, hand frozen above his phone. His eyes lit up like dark fireworks, even in the idling car.

“Hot damn. What’s this?” His fingertips were on her bare shoulders as soon as she got into the car, leaning over the console to press a kiss to his plump lips.

“Oh - this old thing?”

“I like it.” He nibbled at her shoulder while she ran a hand up his thigh, hard muscle under dark denim jeans. She thanked the universe for basketball and suicide sprints and bit her lip while he nuzzled a kiss against her neck.

“Hell yes. I was coming up to get you. Was gonna say hi to Chewie, shoot the shit for a minute.”

He studied her another moment as she kissed him again before he pulled the car into gear and backed out of the parking lot.

“S’okay. He’s coughing up a lung, up there. He’ll be better off just going to bed.”

His hair curled around his ear at this length, dense and wavy in a way Rey would never be blessed with herself. She’d drawn it with pencil, paints, and ink pen in the margin of her notebooks, but no medium on Earth would adequately capture his hair.

“How’m I going to suck up to my girl’s dad if I don’t come upstairs?”

He winked at her as his hand slid over her knee and Rey rolled her eyes as her fingers dug through his hair. She scratched her nails along his scalp and he shivered.

“You know you’re his favorite. Gimme a break.”

“Wanna make sure it stays that way,” he said as they drove to Finn’s. “Don’t want anybody giving me a run for my money.”

 

******

 

There was a brand new silver necklace nestled above the neckline of the pink shirt when Ben tugged her by the hips back onto his lap inside Finn’s living room.

Rey’s seltzer water sloshed while she leaned against her boyfriend’s chest and he reached to touch the Tiffany’s pendant at her throat, a bright sun on a perfect chain.  It wasn’t until they rubbed noses that someone finally piped up and acted disgusted at the public display of affection.

 

“What’s this?” Rose leaned close and peered at Rey’s necklace with a twinkle in her eye. “From the shop?”

“From my Ben,” Rey gloated as Ben wrapped his arms around her waist.

 

 _My only sunshine_ , he’d said as he’d handed her the box. She’d only argued with him for five minutes before he’d crushed her to his lips and tugged the white satin ribbon from the turquoise box where she held it trapped against his chest. When she pulled back to see the sun beaming at her surrounded by black velvet, she gasped softly. Ben traced the chain around her neck, fastening it carefully as she held her breath and she was speechless.

 

“Spoiled,” Rose teased. She shoved Rey’s arm and winked while Rey stuck her tongue out at her friend. With a flip of her thick, black hair over one shoulder, Rose went to join Finn at the vintage jukebox blasting Motown in the corner, and Rey wrapped an arm around Ben’s shoulders.

She _was_ spoiled, and it felt incredible. A rare serenity curled around her as Rey leaned her head onto Ben’s shoulder.

Their friends danced and drank, music and noise throbbing through the house with every song and Rey smiled lazily. Ben planted a kiss against her forehead and squeezed a hand around her hip.

When Hux came to high-five him in greeting she didn’t move an inch, and when Jyn rolled her eyes dramatically, Rey wasn’t distressed in the slightest.

 

Only when her phone lit up with a text from Chewie’s sidekick co-worker, Porg, did Rey lift her head from Ben’s shoulder.

 

_Hey Rey_

_Give me a call_

_It’s about your dad_

 

They’d only been at the party an hour-and-a-half when she and Ben raced to his car, flying at top speed to the hospital. If she could have clawed at him the way Lamby did when she was acting needy, it would have helped, but Rey just bit her lip while the streetlamps whizzed by, fingers white-knuckled between Ben’s.

“Rey, it’s gonna be okay,” he said as they ran through the parking garage to the emergency waiting room doors. “I promise.”

“Ben, don’t promise things.”

The sterile smell wafted aggressively towards them as the double glass doors slid open and Rey breezed inside as if on wheels.

“My dad - my dad’s here - please, my dad - “ She rapped on the Formica counter as the triage nurse raised her eyebrows as she cradled the phone receiver between her chin and shoulder.

“Fill these out.” The nurse on the phone pushed a clipboard at Rey. “Take a number and we’ll call you in a minute.”

“No, please. My dad - my dad’s here - my father - “

The nurse typed while she chatted on the phone and Rey heard her name called from over her shoulder. Porg stood holding a pack of cigarettes, striding towards her.

“He’s in the back,” Porg said, clearly startled when Rey rushed him, throwing all her worried questions his direction. The short man took a small step backward and tapped the cigarette box nervously in his hand.

“I was just goin’ out for a smoke.”

“Is he okay? Can I see him? Is he okay?”

“Sure - sure. He’s okay. Push that button over there. They’ll let you in.”

He hadn’t finished speaking when Rey raced past him to find her dad’s room. She barely breathed until she was face-down over his chest, tears soaking his gown as she fisted the fabric in her hands.  His huge, warm hand patted her hair while she cried, a practiced method she knew by heart, and she sobbed openly as her eye makeup stained the hospital’s fabric.

 

“Daddy, what happened?”

Slowly - agonizingly slowly, since she’d been precariously close to a full-blown panic attack - Rey released him and shrank back to sit beside Ben at her father’s bedside.

“Started coughing and couldn’t stop, kiddo. Got so bad I couldn’t breathe, chest burning and aching so fiercely...thought I was having a heart attack or something.”

Rey shook her head in her palms as Ben laid a hand at the back of her neck.

“Probably pneumonia, the doctor said. Couple days on antibiotics and steroids, I’ll be right as rain.”

Tubes and lines ran around his body like a spirograph of medical devices. Rey followed them and sighed, worrying he wasn’t telling the truth.

“Pneumonia, daddy? Are you sure?”

“They’re pretty sure, honey. It’s not a heart attack. They’ve ruled that out, so you can relax. Okay?”

A whimper escaped her as she reached for her dad’s hand. His fingers were large and cracked dry from work, strong as always, but unsettling with a large needle taped against the vein at his wrist.

“Are you - are you sure? You’re not dying, are you sure?”

“It’s gonna take more than a little bout of pneumonia to off me, kiddo. I’m built like a mule and as stubborn as one, too.”

He chuckled and Rey frowned, too busy trying not to cry to laugh. “I’m gonna be here till at least tomorrow for sure they said, honey. Why don’t you head home?”

Her brow furrowed as Chewie nodded. “No, daddy, I can stay here. With you.”

Chewie shook his head. “No way. I don’t need you getting sick. Let Ben take you home. You’ll have to put up with me soon enough.”

 

She looked at him warily, dreaming up further arguments. Her mouth opened to speak and her father interrupted again.

“Anyhow, this way I get complete control of the remote.” He shook the television remote at her and grinned weakly.

“Okay.” She took too long hugging him goodbye, educating the nurse about which flavor Jello he’d want, and making sure he had another pillow.

When she climbed into the car beside Ben she leaned her head against the window, suddenly exhausted and sad beyond comprehension. The car purred to life and his hand found her knee.

 

“Hey. You okay?” Ben turned to catch her eye, taking turns between seeing her face and the road while he drove her home.

“I’m okay.” Her heart felt numb, dulled by shock and fear and she held his hand with both her own. 

It was too similar to the last time she'd rushed to a hospital to see someone she loved - someone she needed in the bed, helpless and tangled in wires and tubing. Flashes of Ben's face asleep in the hospital swirled through her mind, and she clutched at his shoulders. 

“Don’t go,” she begged as Ben kissed her before turning to leave. “No one’s here. It’s just us now. Stay the night.”

“Rey - “

“Please, baby. I know it’s not normal just - I need you.”

He gulped as Rey looked up at him, warm hands resting on her bare shoulders in her thin, pink top. Frivolity and vanity disappeared as she watched him consider the idea, eyes flickering over her head like he was making sure no one else was around. Lambchop wound through their legs and Rey bent to scoop her up, tucking the kitten under her chin.

She took Ben by the hand and walked down the hallway to her bedroom, looking over her shoulder at him. Shadow fell across his face, and he paused to kick off his shoes and lock the front door.

A camisole and panties felt risque, even though Ben had arguably had her at least this naked before when they’d made out. He tugged his own shirt over his head, running a hand through his hair as Rey climbed into bed and pulled back the covers for him. Somehow, he kicked off his jeans with only a hint of his boxers visible before he snuck under the covers beside her.

His arms snaked around her middle as her top crept up her stomach, and her bottom curved into Ben’s lap behind her.

The kisses he planted on her shoulder and the nudge of his erection into her ass were polite, but Rey wanted raw and intentional to wake her from a dull haze of fear. Nerves and formality dissolved, and Rey whined until his hand stole under the camisole, gently running over the taut nipple straining for his fingers.

She covered his hands with her own and ran them over her skin, up her throat, into her panties. She writhed and closed her eyes, happily lost , waking to his touch as he groaned into her skin, offering again and again to let her go to sleep.

 

“We shouldn’t,” he said.

“You should go to sleep,” he suggested.

 

“Put your hands on me,” she whispered.

“Touch me anyway you want,” she insisted.

 

He tugged the covers over his head as he disappeared under the covers, and her breath caught in her throat as his fingers grazed her thighs, pulling her panties to her ankle.

When he hummed against her cunt, licking with loud hums while the covers jerked over his body in time with the pumping cock in his hand, Rey opened her legs wider and threaded her fingers through his hair.

She came loudly, moaning his name until she was breathless, panting when he lifted his head, hair mussed and lips wet. Her panties were already sopping wet, so when he emptied himself onto her skin she wiped herself clean with the ruined fabric. Ben curled around her as they lay nose-to-nose on her pillows, eyes heavy as the box fan hummed a lullabye in the corner of Rey's dark bedroom. 

 

“Do you think my dad knows you’re spending the night here tonight?”

“Maybe.”

His eyes were closed while they spoke, and Rey stared at him, feeling wide awake.

 

“Ben.”

“Mmm.” His eyes stayed shut as his eyebrows lifted, sleep dragging him under as she watched. 

“Ben.”

“Mmm - Rey, go to sleep, baby.” His long lashes lay against his cheek and his breathing evened out.

“I just - Ben, I love you.”

 

_Silence._

 

His chest rose and fell, his arm heavy on her waist as she watched him slip deeper into sleep.

“I love you,” she whispered, curling closer to him as her eyes got heavy, willing herself to make it last. “I already miss you.”

 

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	11. Senior Year, Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's what: by the end, this fic will be the _"happiest ever after"_ you've ever read.  
>  like, you're going to be so sick of fluff you're gonna be like _Jeez, Berry, how about some angst for a change_ , **that's** how fluffy it's gonna be, I promise.

 

 

Chapter 11

Senior Year, Part 5

*****

 

Rey’s heart beat out of her chest when her phone rang at 6:55 am, slingshotting her out of a dreamless sleep.

 

“Daddy?” She rubbed her eyes as she shielded her breath.

“Hey kiddo. Did I wake you up?”

“No. Yes. I mean...what’s up? Are you okay? Are you feeling better? You’re okay, right?”

 

Ben was still laying down beside her as she struggled to sit, tugging her camisole over her exposed middle. Morning rays stole through the blinds of her room and Ben lifted a hand to brush the hair off her neck. She peeked over her shoulder at him.

 Laying in her bed, an arm propped under his head, his naked chest peeking out from under her sheets, she swallowed and tried to concentrate.

 

“Yeah, I’m good. Doc just came by and discharged me, in fact. I’m ready to go home as soon as you can come and pick me up.” 

She exhaled a breath she’d been holding since the evening before and pulled her legs up, leaning her forehead to her knees.  

“Good, Daddy. I’ll get up and head over there.”

“Thanks, kiddo. Gotta tell ya, I’m very relieved.”

“You can say that again.”

“Gotta tell ya, I’m very relieved.”

“Okay, so, you’re feeling much better if we’re back to dad jokes.”

Chewie chuckled and Ben smiled sleepily when Rey glanced down at him again. He hadn’t moved an inch, still stroking her neck gently while he lay watching her. She kept her eyes on his while she smiled.

 

“I’ll be over ASAP, daddy-o.”

“Take your time. There’s some scrumptious-looking egg substitute and - what is this behind door number two on my breakfast tray?  Pudding, for some reason?”

 

Rey laid down and faced Ben while he twisted to see her fully.

Amber. His eyes were amber. No, charcoal. Slate? Maybe more like russet.

Every flash of sunlight over his irises changed the ombre brown and Rey worked to memorize his eyes.

 

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

 

He tugged her hip with one warm hand and readjusted his head atop his bicep. Rey reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. He’d shake it loose in a moment, anyway.

 

“Thank you for staying last night.”

“Thank you for wanting me to stay.”

“You’re always there for me, Ben. You’re like a dream boyfriend. You know that?”

“Aw, shucks. I’ll bet you say that to all the boys.”

“Stop. I mean it.” Rey shoved his chest playfully. “You’re too good to be real.”

“Well, that’s because I’m not real. I’m a robot.” He stiffened and pushed Rey onto her back, adopting a monotonous voice. “Robot. Boyfriend. Hot. For. Girl.”

She giggled, kicking her legs and squealing while he attacked her neck with his mouth, demanding with a robotic voice.

 

“Lay. Back. Hold. Still.”

 

Rey shrieked and screamed her laughter as he pinned her wrists and sucked a lewd hickie into her skin. She was out of breath, panting and writhing when he broke, laughing down at her as he held her hands pinned over her head.

 

“You gotta go,” he said, brown eyes shining as he kissed the tip of her nose and forehead. “And I do, too.”

Coffee. His eyes were the color of coffee.  
Or, chocolate.

He hopped off the bed, tugging on his jeans before she could sit up. She barely glimpsed his boxers, let alone his bare ass.

“Where you going?” She’d meant him to climb off, but not that fast.

“Leia’s coming home in…” he glanced at his watch, “three hours and I promised I’d mow the yard before she got here.” He tugged a shirt over his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

Every item he put back on his person made Rey glum. She sunk back into the bed and watched.

“Call ya later.” He leaned over, kissing her quickly, and Rey called out as he made it to the door.

“Hey!”

“Yeah?” He stopped short, one hand on the doorframe as he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“I love you.”

“I love you back.”

He shot her a wink and Rey listened to him leave. She buried her face in his pillow and breathed deeply, wondering how she’d ever wash it again.

 

*****

 

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in something homemade at senior prom. Are you joking?”

Rey leaned close to the easel and smudged the blue chalk. She’d redone this corner of the piece so many times the canvas was threadbare. It was her last chance before shipping the work to Oregon and it had to be just right.

 

“You’re such a snob, Q’ira.”

“I’m not a snob. I just have taste.”

“No, you just have money,” Jyn argued as Rey listened, rubbing at the waves with the side of her smallest finger. “Everyone with money thinks they have taste when really, what they have is ease.”

The girls behind her debated wealth while Rey trained her eyes on her art.

Ten days were left for final submissions, and she didn’t have time to listen to their nonsense. Even the time _after_ the time for procrastination was long past. All that was left for Rey to do was send this art to Oregon and hope for a full ride to art school.

She’d gotten only partial scholarship offers from any school within a one-hundred-mile radius. Art schools in Florida were few and far between, and what Rey was selling no one local was apparently buying. Her housing with Ahsoka was a sure thing though, and her dad was more than happy to pull up anchor and head back west.

You’d have thought there was a modern gold rush based on how anxious Chewie was to escape Florida and get back to the wet, dense woods of the Pacific Northwest.

Rey squinted at the beach scene and brushed away a flake of dried chalk. She had one shot at this, and it was here.

No matter what she wanted, no matter where she hoped to be for college her heart sank with every partial scholarship letter, every lukewarm admission, every explanation of high application volume.

 

“Whatever. I know what’s good when I see it.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Don’t quote shit to me. School’s over for the day, _mom_.”

 

Rey stifled an eye roll, hoping they’d leave soon. She needed a final review from Mrs. Mothma, and she was in no mood to proceed within Jyn’s earshot.

“All I’m saying is, some people go for the obvious and some people have a discerning eye. You,” Jyn said, pausing for dramatic effect, “go for obvious, and you have the cash to support your habit. I, on the other hand know something good when I see it, even if it’s a diamond in the rough.”

“God,” Q’ira groaned dramatically. “Are you done yet?”

Rey rolled her neck, glancing at the clock. Forty minutes till her shift at the Castle began, and she needed to get gas on the way.

“Go, if you’re gonna be a whiner. I’ll meet you there.”

 

The chair behind her scraped the floor and Rey wiped her chalky fingers on a towel at her easel.

The dark waves were an inky mystery, and the girl in purple floated under bright, heart-shaped stars. Even that night in the water she hadn’t been alone, she thought every time she looked at the canvas.

Rey looked at the clock on the wall as she wiped her hands on her khaki skirt, tugging her bag over her shoulder. In another world, she’d have left her canvas in the art room for inspection by her teacher.

In this one though, she scooped it into her arms and took her artwork with her silently, resigning herself to move on.

 

*****

 

Paige handed Rey the lemon juice as they lay on the pool deck at the Tico’s house. Flat on their backs, hot concrete burning through their terrycloth towels, Rey squeezed the acidic liquid into her roots and threaded fingers through her hair.

“When do you think you’ll hear something?”

“Soon. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe not.”

Rose’s voice on her other side piped up. “How do you feel about your chances?”

Rey shrugged, then realized no one could hear her body language where they all lay facing the sun with eyes squeezed closed.

“I dunno. So far, all the schools have offered me some scholarships, but no full ride. I can work and take out loans if I need to, but my dad is pushing me to get a full ride if possible. He keeps telling me how important it is to start adulthood with a clean slate.”

She lowered her voice and mimicked her father’s gruff, fatherly wisdom, and the twins giggled, but her heart wasn’t in it. She’d sat crying on her couch the night before when her father had tried to remind her about all the great things about Oregon.

  
The lush forests, fragrant orchards, farmer’s markets, meadows of wildflowers.

Ahsoka. The commune. Mama’s evergreen.  
  
Everything bloomed in the natural hothouse of the West Coast, he’d said as tears rolled down her cheeks, and she would too, if she got in.  
Florida heat baked everything inflexible, that was the trouble with trying to get into schools around the South he’d said, handing her a tissue. People lost their minds in the heat, went a little nuts.  
  
When she’d crawled into Ben’s lap after he’d taken her out for an iced decaf to recover just before the coffee shop closed, he’d told her how lucky she was to have such a great dad.  
That Chewie wanted what was best for her.  
That Ben missed his own dad at times like these. His sponsor and Leia tried to get him permission for schools as far as Georgia, maybe Alabama or Tenneesee, but Florida was the limit until he’d completed a two-year degree.

He’d kissed her lips and covered her with his hands, up her skirt, up her shirt, down her panties, but just for comfort, just for tenderness. She’d crawled into bed and smelled the pillow that didn’t smell like him anymore and cried herself to sleep.  
  
“Your dad’s so awesome,” Paige said.

“He really is,” Rose agreed.  
“Uh-huh,” Rey agreed as the sun shined bright behind her eyelids, tears from the brightness sliding from the closed lids down her pink cheeks.

 

*****

 

“That you, Rey?”

Rey slammed the front door and dropped her keys, bending to ruffle Lamby’s ears.  “Yeah, dad.”

Chewie leaned out from the kitchen and waved a kitchen knife at her. “Thought we’d have some butterflied fish tonight. Just for the halibut.”

Rey rolled her eyes, standing on tiptoes to kiss her father’s furry cheek.

“Ya get it? Just for the halibut? Like the hell of it?”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” Rey jumped up on the counter. “I’m not eating that.” She waved a carrot at the scaled fish he flayed.

“This? Why not? Look at it - it’s gorgeous!”

“It’s meat.”

“It’s a fish!”

“I’m a vegetarian.”

“Yeah...but, it’s fish!”

Rey rolled her eyes with a huff and hopped off the counter. “I’m not a pescetarian, dad. I’m a veggie. Like mom.”

“Your mama didn’t know what she was missing, and neither do you,” he called as she rifled through the mail on the table. “Just caught this beauty today! As fresh as they come! Straight outta the Gulf and onto the plate!”

Rey grabbed up the phone as it rang, shaking her head at her father while she munched on the carrot.

“Is this Ms. Reyanna Sunshine?” the voice on the other end of the phone asked.

“Yes, it is.”

“Hello, Ms. Sunshine. My name is Erica DeAngelo, and I’m calling from the Oregon School of Art and Design. It’s so nice to speak with you. Do you have a few minutes to chat?”

 

Rey swallowed the carrot and pulled out a chair, glancing at Chewie who watched her as she sat slowly.

“Yes. I have time.”

 

*****

 

The sleek black sheath dress hung in Rey’s closet on prom night completely unbothered. She kicked off her muddy boots and slipped into old flip-flops before climbing behind the wheel of her own car.  
  
Her father had driven far too slowly for her taste on the way home from the airport, and she was antsy to get out on the water.

Once she’d been accepted to Oregon and granted a full ride, she discovered an obsession with being in the Gulf.

Time ticked away, and Rey didn’t want to squander a moment.

 

By 11, she was at the dock despite her father’s protests. Far too late to get dressed up for the prom, even if it was her senior year and impossible to consider going straight to sleep after a cross-country flight, she’d decided on the last leg of travel she’d go find some stars.

“What about Ben?” her father had asked. “Don’t you think you should go end prom night with him?”

“I’m sure the Prom King is having plenty of fun tonight. Trust me. He can have one fun night without me.”

She knew Ben had been as disappointed as she was when the scholarship presentation and preview weekend at the Oregon art school were the same date as their senior prom, but he’d insisted she attend.  
  
_“Rey, this is fucking impressive. And important. You have to go, baby. You have to. I’m so proud of you,”_ he’s said.

They’d negotiated and weighed it for a week before he helped her buy two plane tickets for herself and Chewie, swearing he’d go to prom without her when she forced him, knowing no one would forgive her if he didn’t show up.

When they texted he’d been voted King alongside Queen Q’ira, no one was less surprised or happier it was him, than Rey.

The water was hot and calm and dark.

It moved under the sailboat like a rocking chair, and Rey’s blood pressure descended. The current was moving, and there was no fighting. Rey was pulled along, and she reached out to catch the kite string as life tugged her into the breeze.

A light near the back of Ben’s house caught her eye as she sailed past, and she slacked the mainsheet. A figure stood at the end of the dock.

Ben.

 

“Ben?!”

“Hey!” he called as her face lit like the noon sun at his voice. She couldn’t imagine why he was home, what he was doing on his dock alone when he could be at their senior prom, but Rey pulled the rudder.

“What are you doing here? Why are you out here? What are you - “

A splash, and a flurry of noise and then Rey dropped the anchor.

She gasped as he swam steadily towards her.

Yard after yard he stroked through the dark bay as Rey smiled, wide-eyed at his impetuous athleticism. When he finally climbed the ladder, shaking wet hair from his eyes and stepping into the towel Rey held open for him, she laughed till her sides hurt at his panting effort.

 

“Oh my God!” she said, wrapping her arms around him. “Are you crazy?”

“What? I missed you!” he said, kissing her deeply.

He opened the towel to pull her close and Rey stepped into him. “I missed you,” she said, looking up into his dark eyes.

His warm, wet clothes seeped steadily into hers, and Rey threw his clothes to the sailboat floorboards with a splat. Her tank top joined them, and the stars blinked down as the sailboat bobbed in the midnight water as they huddled underneath the towel together.

 

Cobblestone white clouds lined the black sky, and a round, bright moon glowed overhead. 

“You didn’t go to prom.”

“Correction, I didn’t stay at prom. I went. For like a half hour. Done and done.”

Rey shot him a look of disbelief.

“There’s photographic evidence. I was there.”

“But you didn’t stay. You didn’t have fun. You didn’t - “

“My girl wasn’t there.”

“Yeah, but...”

“I could not have enjoyed it without you, Reyanna.”

Rey swallowed a lump in her throat, touched by his loyalty and sad to have failed him. She couldn’t stop failing him. She left when he needed her, over and over again.  No matter what her intentions, she kept catching the wind and flying off.

 

“Hey, look at me.”

Her eyes met his and his hand came to her cheek, wiping a tear as it fell. “I’m where I want to be.” Rey stared at his precious face, mesmerized, wondering what she ever did to deserve this.

Ben leaned down and scooped salt water. “Come here.” Rey leaned closer. “Close your eyes.”

His hand swept over her eyelids, gentle as rain as he rubbed the cat’s eye liner from her face. He scooped water again, and then again as Rey’s eyes remained closed, waiting.

 

“There you are.”

 

When she opened her clean face to see him, she wasted no time pressing her lips to his. His tongue slipped between her lips and she opened to him, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders. Up on her knees, she scraped her nails through his hair, and his hands were on her ass, pulling her to straddle him.

She kissed his face while they talked.

Murmurs and whispers, secrets and chuckles.

Ben knew the way to tease her into laughter, and Rey knew the tricks to get him to share his words.

In the end, as they discussed the decision to go all the way - first considering how archaic it was to define a relationship on penetrative sex, and the outdated notion it validated the connection they had - they decided together it was better to wait.

Rey was on birth control, but they didn’t have a condom, and it was too much pressure to do it on prom night, anyhow.  
They maturely and rationally agreed they definitely were _not_ going to have sex on a boat on prom night like a couple of teenage cliches.  
  
And then, they did, anyhow.

 

Ben’s cock was hard as steel and fine as satin under her fingers, and Rey wanted to remember how beautiful it was forever. His face, his flexing muscles, the way his hands gripped her ass as he rubbed himself against her was too good to stop there.

He was hers, and she wouldn’t let him go, now.

She put her mouth on him, ran her hands over his skin, laced her fingers with his and wrapped her legs around his. Somehow, she moved and he nudged at the entrance. He met her eyes and she nodded, lifting her head to capture his lips in a kiss as he pushed home, mouths open against one another as the awe of shared oneness struck her.

 

He was inside her.

He was filling her.

Ben.

He was hers. This was hers. All hers.

She whispered his name as he moved inside her, trembling violently as she pulled a towel around them. His lip trembled and his teeth chattered.

“I’ve got you, baby,” she said as he nodded and watched his face as he stared into her eyes.

 

“I love you, Reyanna. You’re the only girl for me.”

“I love you, Ben. I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yours.”

 

The wet friction of their bodies warmed him until he stopped shaking, moaning _uh uh uh uh uh_ as he sped up, lost in it, thrusting into her as she closed her eyes.

The pinch she’d felt as she’d stretched around him eased, and she lifted her hips to slide around him with each thrust. There was a reason she hadn’t been doing this with her boyfriend this whole time, but she couldn’t remember, couldn’t imagine anything more valuable, more exquisite than this.  
  
His scent, his power, he was all around her and devouring her while he filled her up. He was her best friend, her first and last, her heart.

Anything he wanted to give her she wanted, and she’d give him everything in return.

“Come with me,” he choked out, kissing her as Rey blinked up at the stars, rocking in the waves as she reached and chased and crashed over the edge with him.

He moaned her name and kissed her neck, and Rey clung to him long after he’d slipped from her body. They stared at one another once they laid in Ben’s bed, boat anchored closer to dry land, and when sleep dragged her under Rey wasn’t ready.

 

She’d never be ready.  
It wasn’t enough.  
  
They’d barely begun, and her time was up.

 

“Listen, Sunshine, this is just letter number one,” Ben said, pressing a note into her hand as she kissed him goodbye at the airport. “I love you, sweetness.”

“I- I -” she’d cried, harder than she meant to, failing him again by sparing him her drama, but she looked at him with pleading eyes as tears fell.

“I love you,” he said, “you got this.”

Rey looked back and he was leaving, but she shouted anyway. “Ben Solo! I love you!”

Hands in his pockets, he turned and smirked as she watched. A hundred people stood between them as he nodded and mouthed the words before she turned and walked through the gate, before the wind caught her up and flew her away.

 

_I know._

 

*****


	12. Love Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> next week: _The Reunion_ and then...Epilogue.
> 
> Readers of this story are my favorite humans. There. I said it. ILY so much.

Chapter 12

Love Letters

******

 

Sunshine,

Well, this just straight up fucking sucks, I’m gonna be honest. Maybe you would prefer me to be stoic, huh? A good boyfriend would be calm, take it in stride, cool as a cucumber. Probably, I should be like “it’s all good” and support you doing this amazing thing. And I do! I totally do! You know I do, it’s just I miss you bad. Like, I think my heart actually fucking hurts. Like, ow.

Alright, enough of that. You know I’m into you. And I don’t want to make you feel bad, either. I 100% wanted you to get on that plane and I hope you don’t have any regrets because I don’t. You deserve everything they can offer you, Rey. I mean that. And from what it sounds like, Ahsoka is like your best link to your mom, so I want you to have that, too.

I’m dying to hear about it. Any cool classes? New friends? Asses of guys I need to come kick? J/K. For real, I want to hear anything you want to tell me about. This is going to be an amazing opportunity for you, sweetness. Live each moment fully.

Everything is fine here. Poe and Hux are fucking dating. It’s bananas. The other day I saw Hux at the store and he was whistling. Like, a merry, little tune like a freak. I asked him about Poe and his face matched his hair color, he turned so bright red, it was crazy. Honestly, I just hope they’re good to each other. Whatever makes them happy, and whatever makes Hux less of an a-hole, am I right?

Baby, I gotta run. I have class in an hour, and I gotta jump in the shower. It’s still hot as hell here, doesn’t feel like fall at all. I miss you so much I can’t even tell you, and I love you. Don’t go giving that heart away to anyone else.

  * Ben



 

*****

 

My Ben,

I would save the envelope your letter came in, but I shredded it trying to get the letter out, and I read it 128,932,846,891,239,013 times. I have basically memorized it by now. I can almost hear you saying the words, which helps. The time change is harsh. I am used to way more access to you on any given day. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Classes started, here’s the rundown:

 Writing Studio (English, basically)

Art History Survey

Drawing and 2D Design

Statistics ( _boooooooo_ )

Obviously, I am already in love with drawing class, and can’t wait to get my hands dirty in other courses. The light in the studios here at school is unreal. It pours through the clouds so generously when the skies part, like lemonade out of a pitcher, or maybe I just appreciate it more because it’s covered by clouds more than at home. I don’t know, it’s just so different from Florida, it blows my mind. I wish you could see it. I’m slipping in some glossy prints so you can see for yourself. The flower behind my ear in the silly one is straight out of Ahsoka’s garden. We spend lots of time out there, together.

I am growing a tomato plant! They’re little, cherry tomatoes and I’m going to sprinkle them on everything I eat once they’re ripe. I’m overzealous about it.

I’ve made a couple friends, but so far no one that feels like a keeper? Is that rude? It all just makes me realize how easy it was when I started in high school, and the pain of going through introductions - _oof._

_Them: “What’s your name?”_

_Me, after I take a deep breath to brace for their comment: “Reyanna Sunshine.”_

_Them: *shocked face emoji* WUT_

 

Le sigh. All the memories of introducing myself in high school freshman year came flooding back. Which also makes me miss you. Double sigh.

I love you like mad. I miss you a little too much.

Xoxo,

R

 

*****

 

Sunshine,

 Your schedule sounds sweet! I love that you’re like jumping right into the deep end with the art. Just getting in there, mixing it up, learning and being talented AF and amazing. You’ve always been like that. I’ll bet your teachers are like “woah, who’s this outstanding student with all the crazy natural talent?”

Yeah, I have been going to a lot of meetings, mostly after work at the Y. I’m making good money, and carrying a B average so far this quarter, so I’m busy. Most of the time I chug along fine and then fall into bed at night worn slap out. I made the team here at UCF, and even though I’m gonna ride the bench a lot as a freshman, I’m still happy to shoot hoops. Cathartic, ya know? Familiar.

Hard not to feel like a failure when everyone went off so far. Hux and Poe are here, but I don’t see them much, school’s so big. Finn and Rose are up at UF, Paige is at PBA, even Jose and Bart are up at Duke and Bama. Sort of feel like a loser sticking so close to home.

I’m heading up to Tallahassee next weekend to see my mom. She’s got a “Thing” and she wants me there. The new car is awesome - I’m including a pic. It is sweltering when I get inside, but it’s so worth it. The Silencer - yes, that’s her name, and let’s not fight about it. It’s a kickass name for a kickass car. Conversation ended. - is hot. And by “hot,” yes, I do mean my legs stick to the leather seats.

I love you and miss you and I want to kiss that little place behind your ear that makes you squirm and laugh. God, I love you. I stuck that hot, little photo of you making a face at the camera with the sunflower behind your ear right next to my bed.

 Your Ben

PS - you failed to mention any guys in Oregon. Was that careful omission or…?

 

*****

My Ben,  

Here are things you are:

*Wonderful

*Loyal

*Insanely smart

*Crazy hot

*Loving

*Talented

*Crazy hot

*Tall (it counts)

*Fun

*Funny

*Crazy hot (listed three times on purpose)

 Ben, You are not a _failure._ I don’t even want to hear you say that! That language doesn’t even make sense, Ben, I’m serious. You are the most incredibly strong, determined boy on Earth, and I want to smack you and kiss you when you talk like that. God, I want to kiss that nonsense right out of your mouth. I would crawl in your lap and plant my hand over your lips and kiss it all away.

I wish so hard that I could.

I Skype’d with Elizabeth again this week. She’s so good for me, honestly. I’ve been so low the last couple weeks. Working in the bookstore on campus is good, but it’s definitely not the Castle, I’ll tell you that much, and my boss, Mr. Canady, is _not_ Maz. I’m grateful I have a history with Elizabeth. She knows me since before college, so she can help me navigate now while I’m actually here. I’ve been stressed over a piece I’m working on for a huge grade in 2D Design, and she’d been an amazing stabilizer for me. I don’t know why I resisted seeing her so hard during senior year? Maybe I just didn’t want to spend any more time away from my boyfriend than necessary.

I went to a party this weekend with some girls from my studio, Kat, Emily and Camille. They’re great girls, all local though, grew up here all along. So weird, I maybe would have even known them if I’d lived here in high school.

Sometimes, I wonder what that four year stint in FL was all about. Sometimes, it feels like _“did that really happen? Did I dream all of that?”_ Maybe all that matters is, that’s where I met you and you’re what I was meant to find.

I miss you, Ben.

I love you! 

Xoxo,

R

PS - listen to this song, _So It Goes._ It’s us, baby, especially this...

  _And all the pieces fall_

_Right into place..._

_I'm yours to keep_

_And I'm yours to lose..._

_You did a number on me_

_But, honestly, baby, who's counting?_

_I did a number on you_

_But, honestly, baby, who's counting?_

 

There’s your answer about other boys.

Ben, you’re all I see.

 

*****

Sunshine,

Even from far away, you light me up. When I see a call or a text or a letter from you, I’m almost giddy. It’s a little embarrassing. I think it’s getting maybe a little easier. I am learning how to do this long-distance thing, and I think I’m getting the hang of it. I just pace myself, ration you like a granola bar on a hike and I can make it. This is gonna be okay, baby. We can do this.

So, my shrink from Tallahassee hooked me up with a friend from back in the day when he was at shrink school, and I started seeing her last week. I started talking to her about my mom and she said “wow,” and I was like “I know, right?” And when we talked about my dad and the accident I was able to just talk about it without reliving it. I was sad, and I still struggle with feeling like it’s unfair that he died and I lived, but it is what it is.

Survivor’s guilt, she called it, and I’m going to start unpacking that with her. So, yeah. Super glam life I lead.

So far, still not sure about declaring a major. Sometimes I think maybe ambitious like a pilot or a lawyer like my folks, but honestly? I don’t feel like those things make me feel anything. The only excitement I get from those ideas are that maybe my mom will be proud of me, and I can’t live on those fumes and I know it. In the meantime, just working my butt off at the Y, seeing the shrink, going to meetings, doing the school thing. Weekends with Hux if he’s not booty calling Poe or vice versa. I swear to God, they’re intolerable. Hux will fucking giggle when Poe is around. It’s the worst. You would be like WTF?

I listened to that song you sent me. All I wanted to do was rip off your clothes. What if I told you I had to take care of things while I looked at your picture?

I love you, Reyanna!

Your Ben

 

*****

 

My Ben,

Uh - I would say *fans self *chokes* faints* okay! Yes, please! *dies*

Your letter was the highlight of my life the last few days and I can’t get enough.

I had an extremely shitty week. My math grade is the pits, I had a fight with my dad because he’s not taking his meds and has been coughing a lot lately, my tomato plant was ravaged by racoons on night and they ate every, last tomato, and I got a D in design. A “D!” I was humiliated. To be fair, I was playing very much by the rules, and a big part of what we are expected to do here is be weird and think outside the lines. Ugh. I want art to be fun, I don’t want it to be graded! That takes all the fun out of it! Grrrrr!

I want to curl up in your lap. Ahsoka is awesome, and we are getting ready for a snow here tomorrow, supposedly. She’s pulled all my mom’s sweaters out of a box in her attic and given them to me. My dad didn’t need to bring them to FL, obviously, and she kept them, so I wrap up in them constantly.

I’m super pouty. I love art, but this feels like it’s sucking the fun right out of it for me. I love my dad, but he’s extremely belligerent about his health. I love Ahsoka, but I sometimes feel I am a visitor, no matter how much she tries to make me feel at home. And, I love Oregon, but something is missing and I can’t settle down all the way.

And that something is you.

I close my eyes at night and imagine you’re beside me. I hold still and I can hear the hospital beeping, wires and noises helping you get well. I imagine this time you open your eyes and then you reach for me and we’re not separated, that never happened. You sit up and kiss me and then you crush me into the bed like you do, and cover me with yourself and I can breathe better that way, even though you’re on top of me. Normally, I try to go to sleep without opening my eyes, just letting myself sustain the memory till I fall asleep, hoping it’ll translate into a dream where I see you.  
  
I love you

R

 

*****

 

Sunshine,

You’re killing me. Your letter - it just broke me all over again. I was wrong - this sucks. I miss you too much. I want to scoop you up and run away with you. No more college, no more grades and jobs and parents, no more anything - just you and me. We can find a cabin somewhere. Or a bungalow on a beach. Or fuck - a yurt. Would you meet me in a yurt? I need you so bad it’s insane. I want to feel your skin and run my hands through your hair and hear you say my name. I want our legs tangled up in a bed after I’ve gone down on you, and come inside your sweet mouth. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and see you beside me, not jack off with my eyes squeezed closed tightly because I miss you so bad I can’t take it. I want you more every day, not less. It’s you and me, Reyanna. It’s you and me, and I want to pick you up and bury my face in your neck and breathe you in so you know it. I’ll never want to let you go, not ever.  
I hope that’s okay, because it’s my plan.  
  
I love you, baby

Your Ben

 

*****

 

My Ben,

That night on the boat. Do you remember that night on the boat? Of course you do. That night was so beautiful, wasn’t it? I remember looking up at the sky, like a big, dark sheet of navy velvet pulled from edge to edge, a dark canvas. And the stars were so bright - like they were pricked with a needle by hand from the other side, like the cosmos was out beyond the sky, peeking through the pin holes. Somewhere out there is a bright beyond. That’s where my mama is. She’s in all that brightness, but we can’t see it because we can’t see beyond the dark sky. The only way we see it is when it pierces through the night and we get just a glimpse of what lies beyond. That’s what I believe.

That night on the boat, I felt so close to you. You were all I could see when you pulled back, just sat up a little so you could see my eyes. I remember your hair fell in front of your face a little, and I pushed it back, remember? Your skin was so warm. You blocked out everything - the dark sky, the bright stars shining through from the other side, all I could see was you. No dark, no light - just you and me. Together. As one. My Ben, my boyfriend, my best friend, my boy, my heart, and I don’t think that’ll ever change.

I love you for always,

R

 

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	13. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Katie, for xox, for Rhonda, and all my most favorite readers of all time, to whom I am endlessly thankful for their longggggsuffering. Love you guys dearly.  
> xo  
> Berry

 

**__ **

Chapter 13

Reunion

***** ** _  
_**

 

There was very little chance Finn and Rose would land early, but Rey tugged on her tall muck boots in a hurry, anyway. 

Oregon mornings were chilly in May, damp and fertile. No rush to burn through frost in the frantic way she remembered from Florida. 

She tugged her hair from the collar of her jacket, and grabbed her bag from the back of her desk chair. The paint was still chipped on her little, white desk. Her _My Little Pony_ stickers and initials were still under the drawer, right where she’d left her mark.

“I’m off,” she announced, shaking the green smoothie bottle from the fridge. She popped an energy ball into her mouth from the platter Ahsoka held.  
  
“Little early. No?” 

Ahsoka turned the page of the newspaper with care. She was curled into a kitchen chair. A silk kimono covered army green sweatpants, graying twin braids resting on her shoulders. Her hands curved around a cup of earthy, black tea. A half-eaten omelet sat forgotten on a delicate china plate.

If Rey looked under the table, she’d glimpse Lamby twisting between the chair legs beside a pair of muck boots crusted with chicken coop mud. 

She looked up as Rey fluttered around the kitchen. “What time do they land?” 

“Not till one. Just don’t wanna be late.” 

Ahsoka smiled and looked back down at the paper. “Excited?”

“Yeah.” Rey grinned and blew a kiss as she headed for the door. “Be back later!” 

The wet grass glittered, painting her rubber boots with dew. Her hands fisted inside her pockets as she marched to her chilly car. Notebooks and paint jars landed in her trunk beside stiff brushes and piles of loose paper. Backpack and sketch pads were tossed from the bench seating hurriedly, and she hummed, glancing at the time.

With a little luck, she’d see their plane land.  
  
  
*****

 

Without traffic, the drive to Portland was over too quickly. Rey filled her little car with gas, wasted time sipping a latte, tapped on her phone. She huffed as time dragged on, rolling her eyes.

Finally, a sleek, black ponytail bobbed through the terminal towards Rey. Rose met her eyes, opening into a sprint through the baggage claim. Her wide smile broke like morning sunshine.

Rey laughed out loud. She opened her arms, and tears filled her eyes when Rose’s arms came around her. They squealed, gripping one another as they bounced to either side in excitement. 

Pulling away, she tugged a single white daisy from behind her ear, handing it to Rey.

“For you,” Rose said.  
Rey smiled and cocked her head. 

“Aww, thank you.” She took the flower and hugged Rose again, pulling away just to be captured in a bear hug by Finn. 

“Rey!” He smothered her before stepping away and holding up a white daisy. “Here ya go, peanut."

Rey stifled a broad smile, and her cheeks flushed. 

“You guys!” She pulled Finn and Rose close. “That’s so sweet! You didn’t have to do that!”

When she opened her eyes to wipe away a tear, a third flower appeared. A single, white daisy stood tall, extended to her over Finn’s shoulder. 

A stranger smiled at Rey, nodded firmly and stepped around them as Rey accepted the flower. She added it to the two Rose and Finn had handed her and spun around to laugh at her friends. They were beaming and Finn chuckled. Brow furrowing, she opened her mouth to speak. 

Three more people handed her white daisies with smiles before she said a word. Rey reached for them, sputtering. “How - thank you - what - “

A line of daisies bounced to the baggage claim, heading for Rey as she stood slack-jawed. 

“You’re a very lucky girl,” a grey-haired woman smiled, patting Rey’s arm. 

“I know - I am - how did - “

She twirled around again to find Rose and Finn, but they’d stepped away while Rey collected a bouquet, one posy at a time from the passengers. 

She shifted the growing bundle in her arms, thanking strangers who dropped daisies into her arms. Petals and stems overflowed, and Rey was reduced to a smiley recipient.

“Thank you? Thank you, why - thank you - “

One at a time, white daisies were dropped into her arms, a pile of dainty flowers. Rey stuttered her thanks, blushing and confused as she spun to find her friends. 

When she couldn’t speak anymore, silenced by the ache of tears in her throat, she bit her lip and nodded. The flowers grew heavy in her arms. 

Two, one, complete - the final flower laid inside her arms, Rey turned to Rose, speechless. 

****

Rose met her eyes, and nodded, motioning behind Rey. She turned.

He was here.  

Smiling.

A backpack was slung over his broad shoulders, ball cap tucked over his long, dark waves that fell to his collar. 

He walked off the plane with open arms. “I got nothin’.” 

****

He grinned and Rey threw the bouquet of daisies into Rose’s arms before running at him. She cried a broken, surprised sob into his neck when he caught her, winding her legs around hips. He caught her with a chuckle. A small crowd around them cooed and clapped, and Rey buried her tearful face in his neck. 

“You’re here.” 

“Yeah. That okay?”

“Are you kidding me? ” 

Rey fisted his collar and dragged his lips to meet hers. She moved her lips around his, pushing until they fit like a puzzle. Her fingers wound into the hair at his nape, and Ben lifted her higher in his arms, kissing her back. 

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“It worked.” 

She smiled against his lips until Finn cleared his throat loudly. “Just like old times, eh, Rosie?” He swung an arm around Rose’s shoulders. Rey slid to the floor, lacing both hands around Ben's, meeting his eyes. Her stomach flipped twice.

Rose laughed. “The more things change, the more they say the same.” 

Ben's hand in hers was the best kind of thrill - a supercharged flight through the sky, a roller coaster high. She grinned up at his easy smile, listening to him tease Finn as they walked through the airport. It felt like a lifetime before they’d walked the dusty, Florida fairgrounds during sophomore year. 

Ben's hand, their first kiss, the way her stomach dropped, how she’d shrieked with delight. 

Rey squeezed his fingers between her own, smiling when he leaned down to kiss her temple while they walked, carrying the huge bunch of daisies to her car. 

****

*******

****

Finn broke the silence. “Wow, Rey.” He looked around and blew a low whistle. “This is incredible.”

Rey breathed in deeply, treasuring the damp forest around them. Rey leaned her elbows on the railing, looking out over the waterfall. Cold springs cascaded into the deep, blue pool beyond the green hills, noisy and constant. Ben  wrapped an arm around her shoulders. 

Sharing this with Finn and Rose was what Rey had planned to do on their tour of local Oregonian sights - introducing Ben was a surprising and welcome amendment. 

“Wow.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Majestic.”

“Breathtaking.”

“Gorgeous.” 

“So…” Finn looked around, palms up. He broke into a slow grin and raised both eyebrows. “Food?”

Rose and Finn shouted endless verses of an old song he’d taught her at camp all the way back to the car. Rey pulled sharp leaves from the trees as they stomped down the hill. From her perch on Ben's back, she could see trails snaking through the trees leading every direction. The lush peaks of hills tumbled endlessly around her, but Rey was safely carried. She leaned closer to Ben's neck and breathed in his familiar spice, warm and masculine. She could choose any trail, lead any direction and Ben would follow.  
She knew he would. 

**_  
_**

*****

****

The farmer’s market buzzed till mid-afternoon. Food trucks, jarred fruit straight from Puget Sound, artisan cupcakes and ice cream cones, black cherry cobbler and hand-cut French fries in newspaper cones. Rey led the way through the stalls, trading bites with her friends as they laughed. Everything tasted different than in Florida. More earthy somehow, the balance to their life lived near the Gulf water together. 

Finn and Ben ordered pulled pork sandwiches piled high with spicy barbeque sauce and bread and butter pickles, and Rey tried hard not to gag. He’d long since stopped teasing her to try a bite of his carnivorous diet, instead buying her a lavender iced tea with crystallized mint leaves and a salted caramel cookie. 

She snapped selfies by the dozens with Rose, posing in oversized sunglasses and color blocked scarves at the consignment booth. Maz would never have sold the items Rey eyed. She’d have lifted them with bejeweled fingers and sneered, dropping them into the trash pile without a second thought. 

Then again, Rey thought, watching a couple of blue-haired girls with combat boots and cut-offs pass, the clientele in Florida was different, too. 

When they passed the hand-poured soap tent, Rey saw a girl from her English lit class, Cassie? Or Cammie? Her chest bloomed with pride as she introduced her friends to the redhead, beaming as she watched the girl’s eyes widen when she shook Ben's hand. Rey knew that look. 

 _Yeah. He’s mine. Take it all in._  
  
Rey felt her heart dip and twirl, a thrill of possession winding through her. She pulled Ben away and tried not to toss her hair victoriously as they marched between the vendors to the parking lot. 

**_  
_**

*****

****

The bushel of white daisies had to be neatly stuffed inside Ahsoka’s largest glass vase. Rey placed it gingerly in the center of the small kitchen table and cocked her head as she assessed it. They looked cheerful, a handful of summer inside the little room. Ben wrapped his arms around Rey’s waist. 

“They’re so pretty. Thank you.” 

“You know what’s pretty, don’t you?”

Rey rolled her eyes and turned in his arms to smile up at him. “I can’t believe you’re here. Like, in my kitchen. It feels like Christmas.”

“Ho ho ho.” 

He smiled against her lips and Rey wound her fingers through his long hair. If she tugged just a little, he’d make this pitiful noise of wanting. It was very tempting, especially when she’d waited for months. 

Ahsoka cleared her throat as she entered the kitchen and Ben dropped his arms like there was a fire.  

“I saw that,” Ahsoka sang. 

Rey chuckled and helped carry lentil stew and sweet corn cakes to the table. Finn and Rose had promised to come back after dinner, once they’d checked into their hotel. Ben towered over both women as they sat together over steaming bowls of dinner. 

“Chewie come by often?”

Rey smiled around a bite of stew. The day was already darkening. Either Ben wanted to know his location, or he missed his poker buddy. Rey licked her lips and handed him the plate of cornbread. 

“Every weekend, normally. He took the _Lazy Days_ up to the Sound this weekend, though. Not that he doesn’t love Finn and Rose, he just knew I’d be busy.”

Ben nodded. 

“He’ll be disappointed he missed his favorite human, though.” 

 **** Ahsoka pointed at Ben with her spoon. “You two close, you and Chewie?”

“Yeah. Chewie’s the man,” Ben said. Rey snickered and dipped her spoon into her stew. 

“What? He is!” Ben  looked at Rey with mock outrage. “He’s cool!”

Rey shook her head. “You are literally the only person who thinks my father is the man,” she said, using air quotes. “He’s wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but he is not cool.”

“Well now, your mama thought he was cool enough,” Ahsoka said. “And she was about the coolest person to ever walk the Earth.” 

Ben looked at Rey and then to Ahsoka. “What was she like? Rey’s mom?”

Ahsoka glanced at Rey, who nodded. 

“Yes, what did my beautiful, young mother see in my tired old bear of a father, hmm?” Rey smiled. 

****

Ahsoka sighed and twirled her spoon. “Well, Melody was a pistol, you know. We grew up together in Portland,” She looked past Ben, eyes focused on the graying sky outside the small kitchen window. “No one could keep up with her. Least of all the boys we knew in school. Oh, they wanted to catch up with her. Trust me. They tried, but - “ Ahsoka sighed and rubbed her lips against one another. She traced designs into the perspiring glass of water at her fingertips. “They weren’t enough. No one was. Until Chewie.”

 **** Ahsoka looked out the window. Whatever visions she saw replaying were hers alone, but Rey watched her silently. Ben's hand found its way to Rey’s knee under the tablecloth. He squeezed once and Rey felt her throat ache. 

“When she met Chewie it was like...like a starting gun at a race. All her life Melody had waited for someone to race. To keep up with her, and not be intimidated by her strength.” 

Ahsoka sighed and leaned back in her chair. “You should have seen her the day she married him. ‘Ahsoka,’ she said to me, ‘I don’t mind living a life no one but me understands.’”

Silence hung in the air.  
Rey envisioned a younger Ahsoka, dark curls pinned back instead of the graying braids that lay over her shoulders now. She imagined the young women holding hands, Rey’s mother’s eyes burning like bright green fire as she spoke. 

“No one understood,” Ahsoka said, looking at Ben in the eyes, “why she would marry someone eleven years older. And at only twenty.” She played with the napkin in her lap and Rey watched tears well in her eyes. Rey laid a hand gently over Ahsoka’s and met her gaze. 

“She was so beautiful,” she whispered. “Mel was always so beautiful. So certain. ‘Ahsoka,’ she said to me, ‘he’s what I want for my whole life.’” Ahsoka swallowed and chuckled aloud. “She was so determined. How could anyone argue with that?”

“She sounds like an amazing woman,” Ben said. He squeezed Rey’s knee again. 

“Oh, she was,” Ahsoka laughed. She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin. “She was all grace and piss, I can promise you that.” She squeezed Rey’s hand tightly. “Your mother always said she wanted to squeeze the life right out of life. You know that? Like she wanted to wring every last drop out of it. Get as much as she could, as fast as possible.” 

Ahsoka looked away, but her face was smooth. Peaceful. 

“She only had a couple more years left by the time she got married, even though we couldn’t have known that then.” 

Rey met Ben's eyes. He studied her silently. 

“She was a wonder, our Melody.” 

“I miss her,” Rey whispered. 

Ahsoka met her eyes. Both Ben and Ahsoka held Rey’s hands, but it was Ahsoka who spoke. “You? Are all the best parts of who she was.” 

****

*****

****

By two in the morning, Rey finally dragged herself from the couch where she’d sat snuggling into Ben. His hands had roamed as far as either of them were comfortable risking, considering Ahsoka was asleep on the other side of the wall. 

He kissed her goodnight for the thousandth time at her door, groaning when Rey hopped up into his arms. His words were broken against her lips, muffled into her neck, stifled between kisses she placed to his mouth. 

“You feel too good up against me like this.” 

“Need to make you suffer. Remind you who I am.”

“Like I could forget.”

“You don’t forget me? You sure? All the way out at the beach? All those bikinis walking around in Florida all the time?”

Ben shook his head and tightened his arms around her. 

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten, Ben Solo. You’re too good-looking for your own good. You’re too hot. Too tall and too cute, all buff arms and that smirky little face.” 

“You talk too much.” He kissed her until she giggled, smothering her lips with his own. “I don’t see anyone but you, crazy cat girl with the knee socks. You block everything out. Make me crazy. Make me forget where I am.” 

He pressed her against the wall to make a point, letting her legs dangle while he kissed her passionately. 

“Wish you could sleep in my room.” 

“Wouldn’t let you sleep.” 

“Whoo, hoo,” Rey teased. “Promises, promises, Solo.” 

She laughed as he kissed her, struggling to stay quiet enough not to wake Ahsoka, and then she kissed him a hundred times more before she finally smiled her way to bed. No stars blinked outside her window when she smiled into the dark from her pillow. Dark clouds obscured the waning moon. 

Rey listened to the bathroom water running, and the sounds of Ben moving to sleep on the couch. She considered sneaking into the living room, just to mess around with him some more. She was starving and a banquet of cute was available beyond her door. 

As she quieted, she imagined her mother standing with Ahsoka on her wedding day. Her dress in the photos was ivory lace. She’d gone without a veil, eyes blazing as she stood with her arm around her groom as he held her aloft. She looked triumphant in those photos, Rey thought, adding Ahsoka’s memories to the old pictures Rey had seen of her parents when they married. 

Determined and triumphant.

She waited for the ache in her throat to interrupt her thoughts, the same pain she always felt when she tried not to cry. She was still waiting when sleep pulled her under, before she could even think again of sneaking out of bed. 

**_  
_**

*****

 

“Holy shit, Reyanna Merridee,” Rose said. She let her mouth hang open and stared at the drawing. “This is really good!” 

“Really?”

“Oh my God, yes!” 

Rose and Finn stared at the portfolio pages at Rey’s easel, thumbing through the drawings. 

“Ya think so?”

“Girl, are you kidding?” Finn asked. “You know this is so vastly different from back in high school. You _do_ know that. Right?”

Rey shrugged. Her cheeks heated, and she wound arms around herself. The studio was vacant except for the janitorial staff on the weekends. Rey had an entire weekend to show her best friends and her Ben  what it was she kept herself doing in Oregon, but somehow they’d ended up here. 

 **** “Want to see the sights?” she’d asked over a stack of buttermilk pancakes Ahsoka flipped into melting butter over breakfast. “Some authentic Oregonian flavor?”  
“We want to see what your life’s like up here,” Ben had said, which Finn and Rose had agreed with immediately. “Show us your stomping ground. What kind of trouble you get up to without us.” 

 **** Rey’s heart had sunk, but she’d smiled anyway, drowning her self-conscious anxieties in maple syrup and fresh whipped cream. It was a quieter life in Oregon than the one she’d known surrounded by easy friendships and ripening love in Florida, and not just for lack of population. The dense woods and ambling acres of beauty in the Northeast gave Rey a muted pallet of reality. Like her life had been turned down somehow, softened. 

She wasn’t sure she liked it much. 

Without noise. Without many people. 

The kids at school were okay, but it took far longer to find anyone to hang out with than in Florida. There were fewer kids who enjoyed the things she’d grown to love on the Gulf coast: fresh seafood, brilliant sunsets, Disney culture. The spaghetti-strap tank tops and flip flops she’d worn outside of school uniforms sat untouched in her dresser drawers. Even on the warmest day it didn’t feel nearly warm enough to wear her favorite halter dress and lay outside to tan. 

Finding themselves inside the College art studios, looking over Rey’s portfolio was as close to seeing what she was up to as it would get. Ben met her eyes. He held a sketch of a still life in his hand, glancing at Rey’s face. The apple looked too waxy to her eyes. Too unrealistic, a bit out of focus. 

“You do this?”

Rey nodded. 

“So good, baby. Seriously. Really fantastic.” 

“I don’t know.” 

Her work lately felt subdued. Like there was a well of creativity she just couldn’t access, dormant somewhere. A locked closet. She worried every time her teachers handed back a graded assignment they must be wondering how someone so untalented was awarded a scholarship. Her work felt uninspired and dry. Like she was pretending to draw, instead of actually creating art. 

  
“Come on,” Rey said, stuffing pages into the manilla folder and tugging Rose away. “Let’s go do something fun.” 

****

*****

****

“Well, I’m officially exhausted,” Rose sighed. Her head fell onto Rey’s shoulder in the backseat of Rey’s car. 

The poetry slam had been two hours long, and there wasn’t enough nitro coffee to keep the East coasters up past 11, since they’d woken at something like three a.m. their time. 

“What time does your flight leave tomorrow?” Rey asked. She met Ben's eyes in her rearview mirror. Headlights flashed, and his pale silver forehead scar blinked at Rey in the reflection. She made a mental note to be sure to kiss his head before bed that night. 

“Eleven,” Finn said. “And we don’t land in Tampa till midnight eastern time.”

“Oh.” 

Rose stifled a yawn. “But, this has been so fun to see where you live, Rey. I’m so happy we did this.” The yawn escaped anyway. She nuzzled into Rey’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, babe,” Finn added. “Loved getting the grand tour of the Pacific northwest.” 

Rey nodded. It wasn’t fair for Ben to see her eyes well up with tears. He was too generous as it was, coming all the way west for a fast weekend when he’d just have to turn around and go back home. She watched the cars zip by, wishing for more time. A whole weekend had flown, after so many boring ones spent looking for anything to do. Time made no sense. 

**_  
_**

*****

****

“She would’ve liked you,” Rey said. She hugged Ben's arm tighter and let a tear fall down her cheek. 

Their flight was in a few short hours. Now was as good a time as any to start crying. 

“Yeah?”

Rey nodded. “Yeah. I know she would’ve.” 

They stood at the gravestone and looked out at the green pastures beyond. Chewie’s evergreen stood guarding Rey’s mom’s gravesite. _Chewie + Mel_ had been carved into the bark, proud and tidy. 

 _Squeeze all the life out of life._ Rey replayed Ahsoka’s words as she looked at her mother’s gravestone. _Bright beauty_ , it read. _Wife, mother, friend. Melody Schafer Sunshine_. 

Ben wrapped his arm around her. 

“You okay?”

Rey nodded. “You?”

“Yeah.” Ben's grip tightened. “Sucks visiting my dad’s site in Miami. I know how it is.” 

“I know you do.” Rey met his eyes and leaned her head onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ben.” 

“That’s why I always have to go to meetings. You know? Don’t let the missing him part grow wild. Like it gets out of control. Like a weed. You know? Have to let it out. Express it. Use my words,” he said. He grinned and Rey sighed. 

“You think she was happy?”

“Ahsoka acts like she was. Ya know?” he said. “She makes it sounds like your mom had no fucks to give about what anyone thought she should do with her life. Like she did exactly what she set out to do. Lived life to the fullest, however she wanted.” 

Rey smiled. “She actually didn’t have any fucks to give. I remember that part pretty well myself.” 

“And look,” he said, nodding to the clouds parting over the valley. “She’s always right here. Right here for you. Whenever you need her.” 

Rey looked at him. “That was really beautiful, you know that, Ben Solo?”

He snorted inelegantly and Rey laughed when he rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah,” she said. “Mama would have liked you a little bit.” 

**_  
_**

*****

****

Ben had been way too good. Way too strong and handsome and adorably supportive. When Rey had hugged him goodbye long enough Finn and Rose threatened to go through security without him, they’d finally separated. 

“It’s okay!” he’d said. “This was a good pit stop! We’ve got this, Sunshine. A couple more years and we’re home free.” 

Rey’s heart sank like an anchor falling to the Gulf floor at the implication. He was going home to Florida and she was staying in Oregon. It would be another year until he could move out of state, and Rey had three more years of college to go. It all felt impossible. 

She’d sat in the quiet car as the minutes ticked by after they left. Planes criss-crossed the sky overhead and Rey wondered how they could all be filled with people so sure of where they were going when she felt absolutely stuck. 

She laid her head on the steering wheel and stared at her motionless hands, open in her lap. The open road back to Ahsoka’s, back to college, back to the familiar, green land of Oregon lay ahead, but Rey couldn’t even turn the key to go. 

****

*****

****

A solid month of work at the school cafetorium and swirling ice cream cones at the DQ downtown did nothing much to lift Rey’s spirits. With classes out for summer break, and the small college town dwindled down to the few sleepy reserves, Rey was drowning in the peaceful calm of a quiet life. It was enough to make someone scream. 

Lambchop jumped into her lap as Rey stared into the firepit. She was zoning, her father would have said, hypnotized by the dancing flames. Ahsoka’s backyard was a serene spot, perfect for getting lost in a book while swinging in a hammock or planting a tomato plant by the kitchen backdoor. In another life, maybe that would have appealed to Rey Sunshine, but the summer stretched out before her like a blank canvas. And she had no idea what to make of it on her own. 

She scratched Lambchop’s head as Ahsoka walked out to the fire. The back screen door banged shut behind her. Rey studied the orange flames leaping at her feet, alive and happy. A perfect antithesis of her mood, dull and gray. Maybe she should draw a fire. Or burn everything she’d ever drawn. Either way. 

“What’s up, buttercup?”

Rey ran her fingers through her kitten’s fur and smiled weakly. “Oh. Nothing.” 

“You okay out here?”

“Mmhmm.” 

The fire crackled and Ahsoka sat in the chair beside her. 

“Reyanna, can we chat a minute?”

“Sure.” Lamby rolled over in her lap and Rey scratched under her collar. 

“Are you...did you have a good year here? At school, I mean?”

Rey looked into the flames and felt her face warm with the heat. Even in the dead of summer, she could wear a light sweater and be comfortable. 

“I did. Yes. And thank you so much for letting me live here, again, Ahsoka. I don’t know how I would’ve…”

Ahsoka held up a hand and smiled. “No, no. No thanks needed, my sweet. You are my best friend’s only daughter. I’ve been privileged to watch you grow up.” 

Rey smiled at her briefly and looked back at the fire. 

“You’re a wonderful girl, Reyanna. Your mother would have been proud of you.”

Ahsoka reached over and held Rey’s hand. She looked at the fire while she spoke. “But, you’re not a girl anymore. Are you?”

The fire popped and jumped over dry twigs and Ahsoka continued. “You’re grown now. Every bit as hungry and brilliant and fantastic as Mel was when we were your age.” Rey met her eyes, and noticed they were wet with tears. “But, you’re not Melody. You’re Reyanna. And you can’t live your mama’s life over, not even if you live here in her shadow and listen to me talk about her every second of the day. And she wouldn’t want you to.” 

Tears slipped down Ahsoka’s cheeks and she placed Rey’s hand in both her own. 

“You’re half-alive here, I think. Correct me if I’m wrong, but honey, I can see what’s happened since you’ve moved here. How you’ve gotten...quiet. Less...yourself. And I can’t speak for Chewie or for Melody or for you, but it kills me to see you folding in on yourself like origami. Tucking parts of you away for safe-keeping. Staying silent. Being still.” 

She looked around the property, at the treeline and the pond at the edge near the orchard. 

“I want you to grow. I want you to live your _best_ life. This land is supposed to nurture that, it’s supposed to be fertile soil that helps you bloom into the strong oak tree you’re meant to be one day, and I’d love to see that happen right here in this commune, but if it can’t? I want you to go chase it. Go stand in the sun. Live life. Squeeze out every drop, like your mama would want.” 

She met Rey’s eyes, streaming tears that matched Ahsoka’s as she spoke. 

“Live a life people don’t understand. It’s okay. We all love you. You have her inside you, no matter what.” 

*****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ...Epilogue coming within a few days. Already written.  
> xo  
> Berry


	14. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: brief mention of infertility, Reylo baby via adoption

 

**_Chapter 14_ **

**_Always_ **

**_*****_ **

There is frost on the grass. 

It hasn’t reached the kitchen window pane, it’s not cold enough for that, yet, but they’ll need a sweater before they step outside, for sure. Rey lifts the mug to her lips and blows a whisper into the steaming coffee. 

Once upon a time, tea would have sufficed. Nowadays, coffee is a much safer bet. The floor shakes the slightest bit when Ben comes down the hall. He’s always been such a large, gorgeous person, even back when they were kids. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey, yourself.” She hands Ben his own mug, his favorite, the one Chewie brought back from the Bahamas a few years back. There’s too much cream and sugar swirled inside, just the way he likes it. 

“Thanks, Sunshine.” He presses a kiss to her temple and picks up the crust of Rey’s toast from her plate where it balances on the counter. “Mmm,” he hums. “What you got goin’ today?”

“The usual. You?”

“The usual. And a meeting with my principal, so that’ll be fun.” 

“Awww,” Rey croons. She lifts a hand to run her fingers through his hair. “Poor big man scared of a tiny, little woman.” She grins at him and Ben sneaks a hand around to pinch her bottom. 

“I’ll show you scared.” 

She shrieks a little and moves away with a jump. 

“Be home around dinner,” he says, kissing her temple before he leaves the kitchen. 

“Hey - “ Rey stops him with a hand around his necktie. She tugs him close and kisses his lips - those beautiful lips she will never tire of needing - and then she smiles as his eyes linger closed a bit longer than hers. 

“Have a good day.” She’s smiling at him. There’s nothing easier in the world, no one who lights her up from the inside like him. Never was, never will be.

“You too, sweetness.” 

He grabs the last of the sourdough toast from her plate and she lands a half-hearted smack to his arm before he’s gone in three strides. 

“Love you!” he calls. 

He hadn’t taken a jacket, and maybe he should have. He’s a Florida boy, after all. He still hasn’t grown accustomed to the chilly Carolina fall mornings, but the cool weather suits Rey fine. It’s a different climate than Florida, that’s for sure, and from Oregon. No doubt about that. 

When she’d first moved to Boone with him for their teaching jobs - Ben landing a high school English position at a private school while Rey took jobs teaching art at several places - she’d gone through a whole new round of culture shock. 

North Carolinans had syrupy, drawling accents and generational claims of property on three separate mountains. Rey’d owned almost nothing of her own growing up in the commune. Even the baskets they’d used to harvest apples and pumpkins were shared property. The entire community had been founded on equal rights as citizens, a sharing of responsibilities. Everything she’d owned could fit inside a foot locker on the houseboat when she’d moved to Florida with her dad at 15. It was a minor miracle the day she’d owned clothes beside school uniforms. 

 

The neighbors they’d made in the Carolina mountains were lovely people, though. They loved when Rey sent over Ahsoka’s baked apple cobbler at Christmas, or when Ben retrieved random kittens from  trees or frisbees from rooftops. No one mentioned their decrepit vehicles parked out in the carport, or complained when Chewie and his girlfriend, Joanne parked their RV on the lawn when they visited. It wasn’t like they were around all that often anyhow, only quarterly maybe, since they liked to dock the _More_ _Lazy Days_ all up and down the east coast. 

It’s a magical spot they’ve ended up in, Rey and Ben often agree. One they never would have imagined would suit them as well as it does, but it’s home. Their house was built in the 1950’s. The brochure had called it vintage. Chewie had announced it enormous. Leia had pronounced it charming. Larger than the houseboat or Ahsoka’s cottage in the commune, but smaller than the Florida mansion where Ben had grown up, they’d signed the paperwork together before they even showed up in town. The little house sported chipping, pale blue paint and a wide front porch. 

It’s Rey’s favorite place to lay on the front porch swinging bed, lazily combing fingers through Ben’s hair. She always feels when they lounge together in that spot, whether listening to cicadas in the summer or watching snowfall in the winter, all the time in the world belongs to her. 

When she’d shown up in Florida after her first year of college, she never could have dreamed they’d end up here. 

Ben had been so surprised. It had felt so damn good to shock him for once, watch joy break across his face. Rey thought in that moment, maybe you never know how someone really feels about you until you show up unannounced and elbow your way back into their life. It had been hard telling her dad of her decision to move back to Florida. Harder still to maneuver her way into rooming with Rose at UF three hours from Ben, to get the school to accept her transfer, but it had been worth it. Once Ben Solo had scooped Rey into his arms and peppered her with questions, she felt the correctness of it all in every answer she’d given him. 

“I choose you. It’s easy to choose you. I want this, Ben. Here. With you. And I’m sure.” 

There were something like tears in his eyes as he’d held her that night in his bed. “Nobody chooses me,” he’d said quietly. “I’m not used to this. You deserve better than me. You deserve more.” 

“I am my mother’s daughter,” she’d whispered, eyes ablaze as she looked at him steadily in the dying light. “I can lead a life no one else understands. And I’m yours.”

No one they’d known in high school had been shocked they were still together at their high school reunion a couple years afterward, not in the slightest. 

“Hey, Rey,” they’d grinned. “How’re you and ol’ Solo doing, huh?” 

“We’re very good,” she’d smiled back, shaking hands and giving hugs. “Both teachers. Well, almost. He’ll be shaping young minds in no time.”

“Well, that’s fucking terrifying,” Poe had said, slapping Ben on the back when he’d joined them at the buffet line. 

“Turns out I love school so much, I never want to leave,” he’d said, placing a hand to the back of Rey’s neck, an anchor for her too-fast beating heart. “Plus, I get to coach basketball with this one job I’m interviewing for up in North Carolina, so that’d be sweet.” 

Poe had slapped him too hard on the back as he’d walked away to find Hux. Apparently, some people at reunions were old friends, and some were potential hook-ups with ex-partners who still gave you the eye across a dance floor. 

Finn was travelling that month with an off-Broadway production of _The Lion King_ , and Rose had been too entrenched in medical school to get away for the reunion. Paige showed up and brought plenty of photos of them both, though, and kept everyone laughing for hours. She amused them all with stories about Rose fainting during a dissection in a cadaver lab at school, and of Finn being mistaken for a Tony award winner by Al Pacino in Brooklyn. 

Nathan Silverman, the former football quarterback had been crowned Reunion King than night, and Queen Q'ira had naturally retained her reigning title. 

“Oh my God, Reyanna! How are you?” she’d shrieked when she’d run into Rey in the ladies’ room. “You look amazing! Oh my God, I love that blonde hair! And that cat eye? I could never manage that on these tiny, shit-colored brown eyes even once in my whole life.” She’d grinned and acted like they were best friends, while Rey had shrugged and smiled faintly, waiting for the insult that never came. 

“Wasn’t it bonkers how close we all were in school?” she’d asked. “Don’t you just miss it like crazy now?” 

Rey had struggled for words. By the end of the night, Q'ira had walked most of the ballroom with her arm threaded through Rey’s, and they’d actually laughed at a good deal of memories together. Rey had shrugged at Ben more than once throughout the evening, clueless how she’d ended up buddy-buddy with a one-time adversary.

“Can I ask you something?” Rey had asked, once Q'ira was walking to the exit. Q’ira’s high heels dangled from her fingertips. “Why did you all hate me in high school?”

“What? I didn’t hate you in high school, woman!” Q'ira had said, smiling in a way Rey could have sworn was sincere. “You were so incredibly cool! I always thought you were so pretty, that’s all I remember! Jess had a thing for Ben. That must be what you’re talking about. We always had such fun together, you and I! Didn’t we?”

Only Jyn was a pill at the reunion. She hadn’t known what to expect until Rey had bumped into Fett, of all people, at the nametag table, shocked to see him present. 

“Fett?”

“Reyanna! Hey,” he’d said. His blonde hair was shoulder-length on one side, and earrings climbed his ear on the opposite side to his shaved scalp. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I’m here with my wife,” he’d said as Jyn walked up to stand beside him. She’d wound an arm around him possessively and eyed Rey with disdain. “You two know each other?” Fett had asked. 

“No,” Jyn had said, as Rey answered “a little.”

“We took art from the same teachers a couple times,” Jyn said. “We didn’t see eye-to-eye on what was good.” She looked Rey up and down, popping her hip out till she wobbled in her platform boots. “Still don’t.” 

“And you two know each other…” Rey offered, hoping to ease the interaction.  

“We met on the local art scene after high school,” Fett said, hooking an arm around Jyn’s shoulders. She glared at Rey with the same kohl-lined eyes Rey remembered from their days at school. “You remember, don’t you, Reyanna? The art scene you thought was juvenile and uninteresting?”

“Oh. I - uh - “ 

“Mainstream taste,” Jyn muttered. She popped the olive from her martini into her mouth and rolled it around on her tongue.

“Best post-secondary education we could have gotten,” he said with a proud grin. 

“Okay. Well, good to see you.” Rey had smiled tightly and hurried away before the conversation became any more awkward or any more meta. 

“You gonna make an honest man outta him anytime soon, Reyanna?” Hux had asked, when she’d found Ben again at the edge of the dance floor. “Has he asked you to marry him yet? Or is he too much of a pussy, still?” 

“Nice,” Ben had said with an eye roll. Hux held his glass up to mime a cheer, though Ben had been sober for almost a decade by then, hands deep in his pockets as people offered him a drink. 

“I want to call him my boyfriend as long as possible,” Rey had said. She’d wound her arms through Ben’s and met his smile with her own. “Took me a long time to earn that right again, you know, after we broke up. I’m in no hurry to hand over that title until Ben wants to.” 

“She’s already my everything, anyhow, so - “ Ben lifted a hand in mock surrender and Hux made a choking noise. 

Hux had made a sour face. “Good God,” he’s moaned. “As disgusting as when we were kids.” 

It was only another minute until he’d had all he could take, and he’d walked away while Rey was still looking up at Ben. 

“You ready to go?”

“Mmhmm.” 

They’d left the auditorium hand-in-hand that night, and Rey wondered if Ben also remembered chasing her down in the parking lot after prom. 

“That street light over there? By the minivan and the Porsche? That’s where you broke my heart, Sunshine.” Ben pointed and Rey rolled her eyes as she climbed into the rental car. 

“We broke _each other’s_ hearts,” she corrected as he slid into the car beside her. “You were grinding on Bazine Netal that night in front of God and everybody, need I remind you, Ben Solo.”

“No. No, I specifically recall you breaking my heart. More like you sledgehammered it into tiny shards of broken glass and then stomped them into the dirt right in front of me.”

“And you say I’m the drama queen.” She rolled her eyes and leaned her exhausted head back against the seat. “Take me home and ravage my body, why don’t you? We’ll call it even.”

Ben lifted his eyebrows twice and put the car in gear. “Don’t have to tell me twice.” 

They’d walked the beach the next morning and decided that was insanity once they started sweating so much they couldn’t think straight. Three weeks later, when they’d moved to North Carolina and Rey had tugged an old cardigan out from a cardboard box in the cool pre-dawn morning, she’d smiled. It was green like Oregon and relaxed like Florida. North Carolina and Rey got along just fine, and since Ben had been freed from the confines of his parole officer years earlier, he never took for granted moving across state lines. Choosing where to live had been a hard-won victory for him. 

Now, they only had to go home to Florida when Leia was up for re-election, or when Rose graduated from another program or residency or had a baby, or something. 

The sun’s peeked over the hills by the time Rey puts her mug in the sink. 

“Mama!” 

A sweet voice calls through the small house. 

“Coming, baby!”

Rey walks barefoot through the old house to her daughter’s room. The restored wooden floors are one of Rey’s favorite things about the house, and she’s still too much of a Floridian to wear slippers or socks indoors. 

Nova’s room is a mural of unicorns and butterflies and astronauts launching from the pages of an open book Rey painted on the largest, empty wall after they’d moved in. It had taken years to have a baby, and finally they’d decided to bring home a child through adoption instead. It was a choice some people hadn’t understood - so many people thought blood was what mattered when building a family, but Ben and Rey had enjoyed speaking defiantly to anyone who would listen. 

“I’m not related to Rey, and I love her more than anybody else, so...” he’d say to the neighbors and students who argued you never know what you’ll get if the baby isn’t your blood. “I mean, then again, down in Florida where we’re from, you don’t marry your cousins - “ 

He joked about it, and people laughed. Only Ben Solo and his smart mouth could say something like that, with his too-handsome face and his former-rich-kid charming tone and get away with it. 

It felt good to be on the same team as Ben, aiming straight at a common goal. When Nova Melody Sunshine Solo gazed up at them from her car seat at the social worker’s office, Rey burst into tears and Ben wrapped an arm around her shoulders. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d hold her when she cried in those early days as a mama, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

Her daughter is standing in her crib when Rey opens the door, waiting. Rey lifts her and holds her close. “Good morning, ladybug.”   

She’s toasty after a long night of sleep. Lines are pressed into her cheeks. Rosebud lips yawn as Rey brushes unruly tangles of curls from her forehead. They’re dark brown, Nova’s eyes, sort of like Ben’s. Leia likes to tell Nova her grandfather, Han, had brown eyes, too, when she visits. Ben always rolls his eyes and shakes his head at his mother’s extra-gracious retelling of his father’s best attributes. 

“Ready?”

Rey dresses her baby in one of Ben’s hand-me-down, a gingham smocked bubble suit adding big, rubber muck boots. If they’re going to go through the garden to collect eggs together, she’d rather keep her baby’s feet clean. 

“Here, baby girl. Let’s put on a little sweater,” Rey says. "Let's go get the eggs from the girls."

Two chubby fists are stuffed through arm holes, but one little button is enough to keep it fastened. Nova holds her mother’s hand while they traverse the back steps into the grassy yard to the chicken coop. It’s still dewy outside. Birds are chirping in the branches overhead, and the baby shivers at the cool air. 

The caterpillar Nova’s been following scurries under a rock, and Rey watches. The sun peeks over the shed and light breaks over her face and she smiles at the rays breaking through. Lambchop scampers down the steps just behind them. She loves to stretch her gray legs in the garden before napping in the sunbeams on Rey’s living room rug all day while Nova practices walking.

They walk slowly to the chicken coop and Rey considers the mural she’d painted there. She likes to use this project as an example when she’s teaching art class at the college in town. Her students always love seeing what their professor is truly best at, and this is Rey’s wheelhouse. When you craft something from your head and your heart, the art will create itself. You just listen and let the art bloom. 

She likes to tell her students what’s in the well comes up in the bucket. If they’re short on inspiration, it always comes from their history, their own story. Themselves. It took so many women to help her grasp that when she was a girl. Her greatest hope is to model those amazing women for the girls she teaches, now. 

The Florida-yellow sun may be fading just a tiny bit. It might be time to do a touch-up soon. Maybe Nova will come with her and have a art lesson with her mama. She already loves to paint with Rey. 

The silver stars shimmer right beneath the rooftop of the shed. The Northwest  apple trees look clear enough beneath the big sun’s rays. The fields of bright white daisies along the bottom edge never seem to need refreshing, either. They’re almost as vibrant as the towering evergreen tree that takes center stage, the one Rey painted directly at the heart of the scene.

“Mama - “ 

Rey looks down to see her daughter, struggling to stand in a patch of mud. She’s dirty and adorable. There’s a smear across her nose and Rey picks her up to hold her. 

“Cold,” Nova pouts. She wipes her hands down the front of Rey’s shirt and giggles, when her mama chuckles and kisses her head.  

“Cold, baby? Come here,” Rey says. She holds her daughter and steps closer to the chicken coop, out from under the branches of the trees that shade the yard. 

 

“Here. I’ve got you. Come stand in the sun.” 

 

*****

THE END

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Sunshine State readers,  
> I have written some stories, and I have had some readers. Trust me when I say however, you hold a place in my heart no one will ever take. This is for you. This work will be removed from the site this week. I hope you enjoy - I wrote it for you and I love you all.  
> xo  
> Berry


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